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Declan acted as though he didn’t hear me. His headphones were sitting beside his laptop, so I knew there was no noise-canceling going on. He was just ignoring me.
Well too damn bad. I was not going to be ignored.
I walked over to him, shutting his laptop, leaning around his chair and forcing him to look at me. “You’re not going to ignore me,” I told him, practically looming over him. “I didn’t sleep with Sawyer.” When his eyes flicked downward, away from my face, I could tell he didn’t believe me.
Had I ever met someone so infuriating? Someone who made me want to yank out my own hair and scream? Declan was being impossible, and it was aggravating me so much I could strangle him.
“Hey,” I said, louder this time even though his ear was less than a foot from my head. I gave him a gentle slap on the back of his head. Finally his black gaze returned to mine, a tiny frown on his face. “I didn’t, and if you don’t believe me, that’s your issue, not mine. You know Sawyer would say anything to get to you, so why the hell would you believe anything he says?”
Declan exhaled, slightly turning his body toward mine. “But you said…”
“I know what I said. I said it because no one at the party would’ve believed me if I denied it. You don’t even believe me, and you’re my roomie. You’re supposed to believe me.” Actually, he wasn’t supposed to, mostly because of the whole I was his friend but he wasn’t mine thing.
Damn it.
“Trust me, I wouldn’t touch Sawyer with a ten-foot pole,” I went on. “And that kiss? He only did that to make you upset. Honestly, Declan, I have no idea why you’re so upset. It isn’t like I’m your girlfriend.” Uh, probably not the best thing to say to the bipolar boy who showed me his manic side today.
His eyes dropped to the floor, staring holes into the carpet between us. “I know. I just…I don’t know. It’s stupid, but I don’t want Sawyer to get his hands on you.”
“Why does it matter? I’m an adult, and I can make my own decisions.” I had to make Declan realize that it wasn’t okay for him to just fly off the handle any time Sawyer so much as looked at me. And Travis…the next time I saw him, I’d be having words with him about that picture. These boys were not going to use me like a pawn.
“I know,” he said again. “I know you are.”
“Then treat me like one. Don’t act like I’m yours. I’m not yours, Declan, and I’m not Sawyer’s—and I’m not going to keep being in the middle of whatever this is. I’m my own person, and I don’t like being used, by you or by anyone.”
His dark eyes were measured in lifting to mine, his stare zeroed in on me in a way that made my stomach flip. Such a sad, sorrowful look. I hated when he looked at me like that, as if his whole world had been taken away, like I was the one bright spot in his life. “I would never use you,” Declan whispered. “Never.”
Even though I wasn’t sure what to believe, I found myself believing him. He was either a really good liar, or he was too prone to let his emotions take charge. Staring at him right now made my heart hurt; I wished I could help him, wished I could fix him…but sometimes when you’re broken, there’s no such thing as a fix. A torn up photograph was never the same, even with tape.
“I’m sorry,” Declan added, still holding my stare. And then he did something that was so sudden, so out of the blue, all I could do was stiffen and breathe in response. Actually, no, I didn’t think I could even breathe properly when he did what he did next.
He leaned his head down, resting it on my shoulder. One of his arms remained locked in place on his desk, but the other, the one closest to me, gingerly rested on my lower back. Hugging me. He was hugging me…I think.
His breath was hot on my neck, and he whispered again, “I’m sorry.” His voice broke on the last word, and I closed my eyes.
How the hell was I supposed to respond to this? After everything, I was still pissed at him, but it was hard to remain ticked off when he sounded so broken, so defeated. His shoulders were slumped, his whole body leaning into mine.
Still, I couldn’t help but wonder if this was the real Declan, or if the real Declan was the one at the party.
It was ridiculously difficult to keep my guard up when he sounded so depressed. Though it was probably a bad idea, I wrapped my arms around him, one of them around his shoulders and the other against his head, cradling him to me somewhat.
“It’s okay,” I whispered, even though it wasn’t.
Would you look at that. I said I wasn’t a liar, and here these guys were, making me into one. Didn’t bode well for the rest of the year, did it?
The truth was none of this was okay. Absolutely none of it. I had to remember from now on that these guys didn’t care about me. Declan only sort of liked me because I reminded him of his dead girlfriend. Sawyer only wanted to sleep with me to hurt Declan, since it was obvious I wasn’t going to be like everyone else here and side with him. And Travis…I didn’t know what to think of Travis, not yet. I knew he’d brought Declan to the party on purpose, but I didn’t know why.
None of them were normal. None of them were good for my health and my sanity; I knew it, and you’d think that fact would stop me from feeling anything towards them.
Maybe I was just as crazy as they were. Maybe I was the biggest glutton for punishment around. How else could I explain the weird, indescribable feelings rising inside of me? I didn’t want to be caught in the middle, didn’t want to witness the drama constantly unfolding. That much was true, but those boys…
No, those men—they were like drugs, and I wanted to use them all, even though they were all bad for me. Sawyer, Travis, Declan, the whole mystery surrounding Sabrina and Hillcrest, all the rich students and their judgment.
This place, these guys…they just might kill me.
Chapter Fifteen – Ash
Kelsey was not happy with me. I hadn’t gone to any other party after the first one, preferring to spend my Friday nights and weekends tucked away in my room with Declan. I wasn’t even sure how many weeks it’d been, and I constantly had Kelsey texting me, asking me if there were any possible boyfriends or if I’d hooked up with any rich hotties yet. I loved Kelsey, but sometimes she could be a little much.
