AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“Then I blew it to shit,” he mumbled.
There was nothing to say to that so I remained quiet, hoping he’d continue.
“I was going to tell you. After the auction. But you walked out and heard my bullshit comment to Asher. I saw the hurt that caused and something inside of me broke. I’d seen that disappointment before on Barb’s face when she’d ask me to leave the Navy and I refused. Everything in my head twisted and I snapped.”
“Why’d she want you to leave the Navy?”
“At the time, I thought she just wasn’t cut out to be a military wife. And I’ll admit back then it pissed me off, because when she married me I was in the Navy and she knew I had no plans of getting out. It was an asshole thing to think—there’s a big difference between knowing your husband will be gone on deployments and actually living through them.”
I could see that. Having your husband gone for months at a time had to be hard.
“But that wasn’t why she wanted you to leave,” I surmised.
“She never gave a reason, but looking back, I think my deployments are what triggered her depression.”
“Wilson—”
“Baby, I’m not saying I was the cause. I’ve thought a lot about it in the last week. Other than figuring out how to fix things with you it’s all I’ve thought about. Barb hid her depression from me. She didn’t have days when she couldn’t get out of bed. She hid it well. What she didn’t hide was her sadness. But…” He paused and blew out a breath. “She wanted kids, and after trying for a few years and not getting pregnant, we tried fertility drugs. She got pregnant but miscarried.”
My heart broke for both of them.
“I’m so sorry, honey.”
“Miscarriage after miscarriage. She never made it past thirteen weeks. After each one she would go into this fog of sadness.”
“Of course she did. That’s devastating.”
It was like I hadn’t spoken when he went on. His voice hoarse and full of grief.
“With each baby we lost a part of me died. I didn’t want to try again but that’s all she wanted and I wanted her to have what she was convinced would make her happy. So the cycle continued until I had nothing left to give her. By then I was working at Homeland, I buried myself in work. It was the only way I could cope. I knew I was facing another lose and that fucking killed me.”
I’d thought my fight would be to help him through the guilt he’d bottled up about his wife. It was clear the real battle would be to see him through the grief of losing his children. Coming into that knowledge tore my heart to shreds. Big, strong Wilson McCray carried an unbearable weight.
“Wilson,” I whispered and nuzzled closer. “I don’t know what to say but I promise we’ll find a way through this.”
“That afternoon in my suite, I knew I loved you. I knew I would give you anything to keep you happy. I knew if you asked me for a family I’d give it to you. I’d go through loss after loss with you until it broke me. Broke you. In that moment, I’d never been so scared in my life. The thought of failing you, watching your pretty eyes dim with sadness, watching you cry, was too much so I thought if I pushed you to leave me I could save both of us.”
This bore contemplation.
I wanted kids.
Maybe not right this second, but in the future. I wanted big family holidays and Sunday dinners. I wanted to run kids to sports practices and drag my butt home at night exhausted from games, and grocery shopping, and school events. I wanted a loud, messy house with kids running amok.
But I wanted Wilson more.
“What are you thinking about, Atlee?”
I traced a line down his chest with my fingertips. If all I had was Wilson, the tradeoff would be worth it. He’d make it worth it. We’d have each other and I knew he’d never let me regret my decision.
“I was just thinking that loving you is the best decision I ever made.”
That was a tiny fib—I hadn’t been thinking that but it was still the God’s honest truth.
With a growl Wilson flipped our positions—his hips fitted between my legs, one elbow to the mattress propping him up, the other cupping my jaw. His blue eyes glittered with so much love my chest caved in.
Oh, yes, loving Wilson would always be enough.
“Hate to break this to you, princess, but you’re a shit liar.”
