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“Yes, and in California, where you get half of my shit if we split after ten years.”
“Hah, there’s a hidden message in there somewhere.”
“Of course, if you want half of my money, you’ll have to stay with me for at least ten years. I believe I can wear you down in that time.”
“How does your mind work?”
“About the same as yours. But I have to say, you missed a step. If you really want to stick it to the… what was it again? Oh yes, homewrecking skank and her bitch daughter, before your Dad returns, you should have had the house condemned.”
“What?” My pulse began to race.
“You heard me. He wouldn’t know what really happened; he’d suspect her of subterfuge because he came to your wedding, and there’d be a big fight. Then one of your brothers, or we will have to put him up while she goes to hell for all we care.”
“Would you jump out of a plane with me?”
“In a heartbeat, just say when.” I think I just might like being married to his crazy ass.
“But how do you know that I’ve done anything?”
“Because your enemies are my enemies, so I have to keep an eye on them too. Didn’t you read about my genius in my portfolio? Why do you think the Feds wanted to recruit me to be a profiler at twenty-two?”
“So what? You figured all of that out just by watching them?”
“Yes, them and you. I knew you weren’t done the night with the bat attack. When I was alerted to what happened at the airport, I figured you had a hand in it.”
“You better not try any of that hoodoo bullshit on me or else.”
“Yes, ma’am, now let’s get you back before your brothers come a calling.” Somehow, I don’t think he’s afraid of that happening. But now I have another worry. How the hell do I keep shit hidden from this mind fuck?
“So, what do you want for a wedding present? Think carefully because I can get you anything.”
“Fleas.”
“How many?” He didn’t even miss a beat.
“About a thousand.” We were in the back of the Rolls on the way back to the resort, and I was only half joking.
“Done!” Wait, no questions asked?
“Really? Where the hell are you going to get fleas?”
“My people will handle it. Any place in particular you want them delivered?”
“My Dad’s house. Can you get them by Saturday? Preferably at about the same time as our ceremony.”
“Done!” Be still, my black heart.
“Just how crazy are you anyway? I mean, I know I’m pretty much certifiable; I don’t try to hide it; what about you?”
“You’re not crazy. You just don’t like people fucking with you. Nothing wrong with that. I’m the same way, only ten times worse, little Alyssa.”
I gave him stink eye because, seriously, he was defaming my character. “My brothers would have me locked away if they knew what I was up to.”
“So don’t tell them. It’ll only make them worry.”
“But you’re not worried.”
“No, because after I put my ring on your finger, no one in their right mind would mess with you.”
