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“I signed up for this. I knew that not following his order would get me killed. Ruby was just trying to live her life,” I explain. “She was scared, being threatened by Bricks, then me, and she did what she thought was best to save herself.”
Winger drops his head back against the wall, banging it gently a few times.
“I guess this is a good lesson for me,” he chuckles. “I see some of the brothers with their women, and I wonder how it would be to feel something strong enough toward another human being where you want them to be yours forever.”
“What’s the lesson?” I ask when he doesn’t continue.
He lets out a heavy sigh. “The lesson is that love is not worth it, Hawk. Love will eventually get you killed because you don’t think with your fucking head anymore. You think with your dick, then the heart joins the chat, and do you know what the end result is? You. Are. Fucked.”
I can’t argue with any of what he just said. When it came to Ruby, most of my decisions were made by my dick. But now I realize that my heart had a bigger part in it. I am in love with this girl, and I’ll never get to tell her.
I think I love you, she whispered to me only hours ago.
Now, I wish I could go back in time and tell her that I think I love her, too. That is one regret I’ll have to take to the grave with me.
In my peripheral vision, something catches my eye. I turn to look and see that Prez is walking away, with his cell phone pressed to his ear. Since he never takes calls during church, I can only imagine that this was important.
The rest of the members continue talking amongst themselves, giving me and Winger the space to chat.
Looking over the room, it feels like an out of body experience knowing that once I step out of it, I will never see it again. I will never see my club brothers again. I will never see the sky or the stars, the sun when it’s light out. There is no tomorrow morning for me anymore, only this moment. While everyone will look at everything with new eyes going forward, I will be buried six feet under.
I allow myself another moment of weakness as I wonder if Ruby will miss me. If she’ll wonder what came of my life. If she’d want to even know why I never tracked her down years later.
I wonder if she’ll find herself a man who will love her enough to take care of her, have children with her, give her the home life she deserved.
Jealousy sets heavy in my chest, but I’m not sure if it is because I want to be that man for Ruby despite the fact that I won’t live long enough for it, or if it is because she will be alive to enjoy such a life.
I never imagined I’d want that sort of life. It’s never been my thing. But now that it’s all being ripped away from me, I can’t get it out of my head.
“I’d rather put a bullet through my head than shack up with a woman permanently.” Winger mumbles from next to me, as if he can read my thoughts. “Look what doing that did to you, brother. I’m gonna do my thing and live my best life, alone.”
Nodding along with everything he has to say, I let him get it off his chest. Hopefully, he will feel better about his life choices based on my experience with mine. Whether that’s good or bad is up to him to figure out.
Suddenly, there’s commotion by the table where we hold all our meetings.Prez is back and banging the gavel on the table. It looks and sounds like it’s hard enough to crack the table.
“Everyone back at your seats.” His voice rolls like thunder over all of us. “Time to vote.”
I look at Winger, surprised to see his eyes are full of unshed tears.
“I’m sorry I disappointed you, brother.” It’s the only thing I can think of saying.
He bobs his head up and down and swallows hard. “You’re not sorry for saving her though.”
I blink in confusion, not realizing that’s what he was looking for. I shake my head, ready to take my punishment.
“Never.”
We both turn and walk over to the table, with me taking a seat in my spot for the very last time. The president’s eyes go over each one of us, never pausing over anyone in particular, not even me.
“All in favor of voting Hawk out of the club say aye.”
A resoundingAyeechoes all around us, making my heart squeeze painfully in my chest. In a moment of helplessness, I press my hands to my thighs and dig my fingers in. My basic instinct is to run, but it is the last thing I will do. Getting out of the club with the brothers’ respect is the last thing I can do.
“All against voting Hawk out of the club say nay.”
Everyone looks down at their hands except for Winger. He turns his head and stares at me. It feels like he’s drilling holes into the side of my head.
“With an unanimous vote, it’s been decided that Hawkeye Paulsen is no longer a member of the Savages MC. As such, he will turn his cut and patches in.” The gavel hits the table as it marks the final decision.
