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Ruby Santiago’s angelic face floats in front of my eyes like a comforting memory. I wonder if that’s what I will see before I take my very last breath. This obsession I’ve developed when it comes to her is out of control. I first thought this is what having feelings for someone would be like, but I can’t get her out of my head, so it has to be something more, and most definitely unhealthy.
In the end, none of it matters. The only thing I can hope for is that she got away safely, just like I had told her. Guilt eats at me that I didn’t actually buy her the ticket and put her on the fucking bus myself. But she is smart. I’m sure she was able to leave.
With a start, I realize that I should be more concerned about my mother. However, my president’s word means everything to him, and if he promised that the club would take care of her, I have no doubt that it will happen.
“Out of respect for Hawk, I would like to give the members the opportunity to say their goodbyes to him and thank him for all his years of dedicated service.”
Prez stands up from his seat at the table and walks around until he is by me. I stand up as well and turn to face him. There is too much emotion when I look into his eyes. He grabs my arm and pulls me into a tight hug.
As bikers, we do not have a reputation of being emotional beings, quite the contrary. But this moment requires it.
“Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your club for so long, Prez.”
I pat him on the back, expecting him to let go immediately. Apparently, he needs a few more minutes.
“You will always be remembered in high regards, Hawk,” he promises.
Once he lets go, one by one, each member of the club that’s present in the church room comes and does the same, a side hug, a pat on the back, a word of encouragement. Some are a bit more emotional than others.
The last one to say his goodbyes is Winger. All throughout the meeting, I felt his leg bounce up and down as anxiety got the better of him. Now, when it is time to say farewell, he can’t even meet my eyes.
He looks at Prez. “Can I have a minute to the side with him?”
The president nods in agreement and walks away. With all the other members going back to their seats, Winger pulls me into a corner. The room is big enough where we can talk without being heard.
He remains quiet for the longest time, his head bend down, staring at his steel-toed boots. I let him have this. I’ve been in this situation before where I had to let go of someone I’d become good friends with in the club. It fucking shreds you to pieces when you have to abide by the rules you swore that you would.
“Was she worth it?”
It’s a short sentence, only four words, but they cut deep. I don’t know how to explain to him my feelings toward Ruby. Is it love? I have no fucking clue. I’ve never felt that kind of pull toward another human being.
I try to picture myself pulling the trigger as I point my gun at Ruby’s head. I get instantly nauseous. I literally ache from it.
“Her life wasn’t worth it,” I respond to him. “But I understand why Prez thought she should be eliminated. Given Bricks’ connections, it would’ve been easy for him to lure her in and find out we played him. She was a weak link.”
Winger nods along to everything I say, complete confusion obvious on his face.
“If you knew she was a weak link in our mission, why would you risk it?”
I don’t know what to tell him. I guess I could share with him the hard life this girl had, the way she was treated by her own parents, how she ended up in that strip club. But, at the end of the day, her story is nothing special. All strippers have a sob story on how they ended up there. Was I about to go and save them all? Fuck no.
“You caught feelings,” Winger concludes from my silence. “You fucking caught feelings.”
He sighs and drops his head back, staring at the ceiling. I lean against the wall and wait for him to go through his grieving process. Although, I’m thinking he will have a harder time once I am actually dead.
“You’ve been a great friend to me, Winger,” I tell him.
His eyes snap back to mine. “Yeah? Well, you’ve been a shitty ass friend to me, brother. You risked it all for what, a piece of pussy? That’s all you got out of it. What the fuck were you thinking?”
This is a lot harder than I thought it would be. It makes me realize that while I am at peace with the club throwing me out, I am not okay with dying. However, you can’t have one without the other.
“I was thinking that sometimes we have to make tough decisions. And that no matter how we look at it, we should not be allowed to make that kind of final decision for someone else, someone who is not in the life, who knows nothing about it.”
Winger smirks at me. “Are you saying that you’re going to fight Prez now and tell him he has no right to kill you because he’s not God? That’ll make for a great final show, Hawk.”
“That’s different.”
I shake my head at him, hating that he can make me laugh even in this dire moment.
