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As I think about all this, my eyes connect with my mother’s. She is staring at me with such intensity, I feel drawn to her. I slowly approach the bed, sitting on the edge of it once I reached it. Ruby is still sleeping, but my mother’s hand stopped moving over her hair.
“Hawkeye,” she whispers like she actually knows who I am.
I nod and attempt to smile, scared that I would set her off like it happened the last time I was here. She repeats my name while looking calm, and I try not to get emotional about it.
She is the only one who ever called me Hawkeye, which is my actual given name. My mother was a huge fan of an old show from back in the day. The main character was named Hawkeye, and she had a crush on him. My father thought it was funny and never protested when she suggested the name for their child.
Now, I watch her as she repeats it over and over again, but it doesn’t freak her out for a change.
“Hi, mom.”
The sound of my voice throws her off. Her hand clutches into Ruby’s hair just hard enough to wake her up.
“Mary, are you okay?”
Ruby’s voice sounds raspy from sleep, and I’ve never been more attracted to another human being. All the feelings I’ve avoided to think about over the last couple of weeks flood my entire body. I can’t believe I’m about to admit this, even if it’s only to myself, by I missed her while I was away.
“Hawkeye,” my mother whispers.
Ruby takes a minute to untangle the fingers stuck in her hair. It is not as easy as one would think since my mother doesn’t understand what’s happening.
“Mary,” Ruby repeats her name a couple of times. “Hawkeye is okay. I told you I’d take good care of him…”
“Hawkeye,” my mother says again.
That’s when Ruby turns her head and looks right at me. The surprise on her face is genuine. So is the happiness I see etched into her features.
“Hawk,” she gasps. “I didn’t know you were back.”
My mouth lifts into a smile. I seem to be doing that a lot when I am around her. The craziest thing of all is that I don’t mind it. This is not good at all.
I don’t have time to process the fucked up insanity going on in my head when I see my mother grabbing Ruby by the shoulders and pulling her down. I am about to try to save her when I see that all she wants to do is hold Ruby closer. She smooths her hair back over and over, treating her like her own personal doll.
“This is common with dementia patients,” Mrs. Clarence explains from next to me. “A lot of them carry an actual doll everywhere they go. It gives them comfort.”
I remain seated on the edge of my mother’s bed, watching her as she gives Ruby all the love and attention she hasn’t shown to anyone since the onset of this terrible disease.
“Do you think she recognizes me?” I ask Mrs. Clarence.
“It’s hard to tell,” she admits. “The way she says your name makes it sound like she does. But my guess is that she is remembering a much younger version of you, and not who you are today.”
I nod and keep on staring. My eyes move to Ruby’s, noticing every single detail. She doesn’t have a stitch of makeup on, which only helps to make her appear younger than she is. She’s never looked more beautiful than in this moment, not even when I watched her all dolled up on the stage at the strip club, or in the throes of passion while I fucked her. I like this version of her the most.
“Mary…” Mrs. Clarence gently shakes my mother’s shoulder. “It’s time for your meds now. So you can sleep.”
A nurse makes an appearance from out of nowhere, holding a syringe. They take advantage of my mother being distracted by Ruby’s presence and push the needle into her skin.
The next ten minutes go by painfully slow. I let out a sigh of relief when I see her closing her eyes and releasing the hold she has on Ruby.
“We need to talk now,” I tell her and get up from the bed.
Mrs. Clarence takes her leave from the room, giving us some privacy. Ruby comes to stand next to me as we are as far away from the bed as possible.
“I didn’t think you’d be back so soon,” she tells me in a low tone.
There are so many other things I should do. Instead, I hook a hand around her nape, and pull at her until she is standing on the tips of her toes. I lower my head until our lips are close to touching.
“Just one kiss,” I tell her right before doing just that. Our first kiss on the lips.
