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The man has moved on without me. There’s no use in arranging and rearranging the chess pieces life has set out on the board in front of me.
I need to accept that Nolan doesn’t want the things I want. At least, not bad enough.
52
NOLAN
With school getting ready to restart in the next few days, Stella and I venture out to the farmer’s market. I’m relieved for her to head back. I think I did well, keeping her out of the house and away from the TV over the past few weeks, but I’m quickly running out of ideas to keep her busy.
So today, vegetable shopping, it is.
I wasn’t expecting this outing to be that entertaining, but ten minutes into our stroll, she spots a clown who’s performing.
She gasps audibly. “He’s making balloon animals, Daddy! Can I go watch?”
I squint in the direction of the clown. I’m pretty sure it’s my retired fourth grade teacher in that professional clown costume. He was a decent enough guy, even if he gave me a D in Math.
I shrug. “Sure, go see if he’ll make you a dragonfly balloon.” Then I bend down to her and point out my destination a couple booths away. “I’m going to be right over there at Rainbow’s. If you finish first, come straight over to find me.”
“I will. Thanks, Daddy!”
I watch my daughter excitedly run over to the line of kids in front of the clown, and then I trudge on over to Rainbow’s stand to stock up on fresh produce.
She’s helping me to fill up a box of asparagus, watermelon, broccoli, apples, and green peppers, all while making small talk. My box isn’t even halfway full when Karli and Layla show up.
“Hey big bro, You need way more veggies than that. Ronan’s right—you are growing a dad bod,” Karli balks, throwing a few more things into my box.
“Look who’s talking, health nut. I don’t see you with any vegetables.”
“They're all in here,” she responds, laughing and patting her stomach.
“Go away. You’re a pain in the ass,” I tell Karli.
Chuckling, Layla gets to showing my annoying sister something at the neighboring booth. That allows me to finish picking produce that Stella and I actually like, and not for the amount of fiber or antioxidants that Karli’s trying to ram down my throat.
Back in college, the hockey nutritionist said something about making sure we had a rainbow of colors in our diet, and well, that’s just about the only thing that stuck with me. I don’t need to know why. I just need to make sure Stella’s eating her rainbows, too.
“Have you talked to Inez lately?” Rainbow—the person, not the spectrum of veggie colors—asks me out of the blue. I nearly drop the cucumber I’m holding.
“Oh, uh. No, I haven’t. She’s really focused on work right now, so I don’t want to be a distraction,” I say, my chest tightening at the mere thought of the girl I love.
Every moment of every day, I wish I knew what she was doing. I’m dying to know how everything is going for her. Is she enjoying the city life? Are her new castmates treating her well? Is she making sure to eat her rainbow of veggies, too?
“Nonsense,” the vendor scoffs at my excuse.
I glance across the market and see the clown sticking a balloon crown on Stella’s head. “I’m serious, though. Inez is busy. Plus, I’m busy too, focused on officially getting custody from Lilian.” I have no idea why I feel the sudden need to be defensive about our schedules. “What Inez and I had was just a little fling. It’s over now. She’s busy. I’m busy. We’re done.”
Inez doesn’t have time for—what did Lilian call me?—right, a backwoods loser like me.
“Of course, dear,” Rainbow mutters, putting an abrupt end to the conversation.
Rainbow goes back to her work. I go back to grocery shopping. A heavy silence lingers above us. I can tell that she’s struggling to mind her business. And I’m struggling to not say what’s weighing on my chest.
Then, I just burst. “Fine. I accept that it’s over. But why the fuck does it hurt like this?” I grab at the front of my T-shirt, like that will somehow relieve the ache in my heart.
Rainbow observes my face for a long moment. She releases a sigh, setting a hand on my arm. “Life can be cruel and ugly and hard. That’s why so many people start to forget what love feels like. But a lucky few find someone special who is patient enough to teach them all over again. That’s what Inez did for you. She reminded you what it feels like to be loved. So you’re not going to be able to just walk away from that again, Nolan.”
I flinch, letting the words sink in. Is it true that I won’t be able to move on from Inez? Will I have to carry this load around for the rest of my days? Will I always feel this broken?
