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We don’t say anything most of the drive. Torrance sent Jonathan the address for the hospital Dan was taken to and promised to let us know if anything changed before we got there. My mind is racing as I get lost in my memories. All the little things that Dan has done for me. From taking a punk twelve-year-old under his wing when he already had his hands full with his own children to coming over last night to check on me.
Above everything, one particular memory stands out.
Dan drives me to the hospital and talks with my surgeon. He’s going to be keeping Mom and Norah in the loop on what’s going on. When 10:30 comes around, it’s time for them to wheel me back.
Surgery went well and the doctor says that there will be a scar, but nothing too noticeable. I will have recovery time and then it will be time to start PT. I’m not looking forward to PT at all. A couple years back when I hurt my arm, I had to do some PT, and it was brutal. I don’t even want to know how much more it’s going to hurt with an injury much more severe.
After getting released from the hospital, Dan drives me home. He hasn’t left my side in two days. When we pull into my parking spot, he doesn’t get out. He just stops and stares at me.
“What?”
His silence scares me. “Why are you staring at me?”
“You’re not going to like what I’m going to tell you.”
“You’ve been nothing but helpful since you showed up. I wouldn’t have gotten through surgery without you. There isn’t anything you could say that—”
“I called Jack.”
Except that. I don’t even know what to say. I haven’t seen my dad since my high school graduation. We haven’t even spoken in two years. “Why?”
“He’s your father and had the right to know you were having surgery.” He takes a deep breath then adds, “If one of my kids was having surgery, I would want to know.”
“Yeah, but you’re a dad.”
“He’s YOUR dad.”
“No, he’s my father. He didn’t coach my little league teams or teach me how to drive. You did all of that.”
“Yeah, I did, but being a dad is more than that.”
“Being a dad is showing up.” The words are bitter on my tongue. “He barely made it to my high school graduation. I was top of my class and a star athlete. I did everything, and he hardly came to any of it. But hey, I should be grateful right? At least he came to some of my stuff. When is the last time he showed up for any of Jon’s stuff? What about Rosie? He hardly acknowledges her existence. He walked out on us when she was barely a year old. I’m surprised she even knows what he looks like.”
I’m fuming, not at Dan, at Jack. It always comes down to me being angry at Jack. He’s why I pushed myself so hard in school. He’s why I pushed myself in athletics. Maybe, just maybe, if I was good enough, he’d show up and be there. Even after Dan called him, he didn’t show up.
I look at Dan. “You showed up for the big stuff and the small stuff. You flew halfway across the country to sit in a hospital room for two days! You are more our dad than Jack will ever be.”
I wish I could get out of the car, slam the door, and storm off, but I can’t. I can’t even get my leg turned to get out of the car without help. I just want to yell and scream. My eyes are stinging with emotion and I refuse to cry. He doesn’t deserve my tears.
Dan drops the subject and helps me up the stairs into my apartment. He orders some pizza and turns on the TV to see if there is something on. We find an Astros game playing, but it’s just too agonizing to watch knowing I will never play again so we turn it off leaving us in deafening silence.
Dan is finally the one to break the silence. “I’m sorry if I overstepped. I know it wasn’t my place to call Jack.”
“It’s fine,” I mutter. I’m acting like a child, and I don’t even care. I do care, I don’t want to, but I do. I sigh in resignation. “You were probably right; he does deserve to know I had surgery. Did he actually pick up the phone?”
“I left a message.” Typical. “But he called me back.” That’s surprising. “He misses you. Did you know he’s only an hour away?” I try not to make eye contact, but Dan can read me like a book. He nods. “That’s why you chose to come out here, isn’t it?”
I shrug. “I guess I figured that maybe if I was a good enough player maybe he’d actually come to my games. Even living an hour away he never came. Not that it matters now. I was injured and having surgery and he still didn’t show up.” I don’t dare look at Dan. “I think that says more about him than any other time he didn’t show up.”
There is a storm of emotions rippling through Dan’s eyes, but mostly they are filled with compassion. He knows more than anyone what Jack put us through. He clears his throat.“I’m allowing you one more day of self-pity and then you’re done with all that negative talk. You understand?”
I’m so lost in my own thoughts that I jump when Jon speaks. “I’m sorry about the other night.”
I look over at him. “Me too.”
“Don’t get me wrong, it felt kind of good to hit you.” He gives a small chuckle, but there isn’t any humor behind it. “But I never should have said what I did.” He stops at the light and looks at me. “You’re nothing like Dad.”
Those four words are the greatest things he could have said to me. I don’t want to be anything like our dad. I don’t want to have anything to do with the man. I want as much space as possible between me and him. For years my biggest fear was not having his approval, then it became a fear of never measuring up to what he claimed to be my potential. It’s only been the last couple of years that my biggest fear was becoming him. Up until Ben’s wedding, I think I was well on my way to achieving that. I guess Natasha did me a favor when she reacted the way that she did when we broke up. Without her making my life miserable, I never would have even thought of coming back to Ridgeview. I never would have found what I have with Millie.
