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There’s a feeling inside me that I can’t explain. It’s like my heart constricts to her knowing glance and concern.
I just give her my best grin as I scoff it off. “You look ridiculous.”
The dresses for the wedding party have been a bit of a sore subject since originally my little sister, Rosie, was designing and making them. In true Belinda fashion, she not only changed her mind but managed to insult Rosie and everyone who had vouched for her in the process. I don’t understand fashion at all, but I know my sister would have made something far better than this fluffy peach monstrosity.
Millie’s brows crease as if she is going to say something, but then seemingly changes her mind. She shoves me in the arm. “Don’t be a jerk.”
I swat back at her. “I’m not being a jerk, I’m merely commenting about how much you look like—”
What is it exactly?
“Molting geese?”
I laugh—, no, that’s not it. “A shower loofah.”
She goes to swat at me again, but this time I’m prepared and I block her, catching her hand, and I feel the zap through my whole body. I drop her hand as if it burned me. There is a charge in the air as we sit staring at each other, neither of us moving. The silence is crackling.
Millie is the one to finally break the silence. “If you don’t get out there, then Ben will never forgive me because it will be my fault.”
How long have we been sitting here? It’s strange how comfortable it all feels.
“Yeah. Right behind you.” I motion for her to lead the way out to the gardens. I make sure to stay a few paces behind.
What is going on with me? I have a girlfriend. You don’t look at another woman when you are with someone else. I’m not that guy. That’s something my dad would do, not me. What am I doing looking at Millie, of all people, like that? But the voice in the back of my head points out that she was looking at me too. There is no way I was imagining that electric charge in the air when our eyes were locked. The logical part of my brain blames my lack of sleep and the fact that Millie noticed that I was off and not myself. Usually I can mask it, but I’m just too preoccupied with everything else going on, and she found me at a low moment. That’s all that was. Friendly concern.
When we finally make it to the garden, Millie and I are clearly the last ones to arrive. Everyone is busy getting into position for the next grouping of photographs. It’s only 9:00 am, and it’s already been a long day. I want to fast forward through all of this so I can have a moment to clear my head.
My phone buzzes in my pocket. I take it out and read Natasha’s name on the screen. I don’t even have to read the text to know what it’s going to say.
Natasha: Sorry, can’t make it to the ceremony. Meet you at the reception later.
I don’t even care at this point. Which should tell me more than I care to read into at the moment. There are tons of people around, and my mask is fully in place now. I transition myself into a completely numb state. I know Todd would tell me that this is a sign I need therapy, but who has the time for all of that?
Mark: It’s fine. See you then.
Even as I type out the words, I know I’m lying to myself. It isn’t fine.
I have a sudden flashback to overhearing my mom say the same thing to my dad when I was a kid. The numbness that I have been trying to hold onto throughout pictures is fading, and the mask is starting to crack. That’s when it hits me: I’m not turning into my dad, I’m dating my dad. Natasha is exactly how he has always been. I try to push the thought out of my head and put the mask back into place. I force back all the feelings of abandonment and resentment from childhood, but the nagging feeling stays in the back of my mind throughout the whole ceremony.
As best man, I have a prime view of the entire audience as they watch Ben and Belinda make their vows. I do everything in my power to not look at my mom, the guilt of all my past feelings creeping up my spine. It just serves as a reminder that as much as I fought not wanting to become my father, what I did was turn into my mother. Always bending over backwards to make those around me happy, even at the cost of losing myself in the process. This new self-awareness couldn’t have come at a worse time. I’m barely holding it together. Somehow, someway, I make it through and don’t miss any of my cues. I even manage to fake a smile the whole time.
When the preacher finally announces Ben and Belinda as man and wife, the crowd stands in applause as they kiss for the first time as a married couple. As they make their way down the aisle, Millie makes eye contact. I try to break it, but I can’t seem to will myself to look away. Something keeps drawing me back in. I can’t keep away. Even in that peach loofah dress she’s beautiful. Not in the same way that Natasha is. Natasha spends time and money to look as good as she does, while Millie is naturally enchanting. She illuminates the world around her, and she makes everything brighter.
Later that evening during the reception I look over to see Millie sitting alone. I stand up from my seat, next to Ben’s brother, Matt, and walk towards her.
When I reach her table I outstretch my hand towards her, “Dance with me?”
Millie looks at my outstretched hand then back up to me.
“Come on, Mills, it’s a wedding. It’s kind of our thing.”
She laughs but takes my hand and stands up. “I wasn’t aware we had a thing.”
“We’ve danced at every wedding we have ever both attended. That’s a thing.”
“So, are there any other things we have that I’m not aware of?”
I scrunch my face as if to think about it, “I’ll compile a list and get back to you.”
