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Something is still troubling her, and if it is not the thought of remaining here on Laedirissae, then what is it? I pull back from our embrace and clear my throat, trying to find the right words to ask her, but Haley speaks first.
Her eyebrows are drawn together tightly as she gulps and says, “There is something I need to talk to you about.” Her beautiful expressive eyes glisten with unshed tears and my gut clenches at the sight. “I know you think I’m your spirit mate, but. . .” She pauses for a moment and her face is a mask of agony that makes both of my hearts race in fear.
“I promised myself I would be completely honest with you. This morning, when you touched my stomach and talked of the future, I. . . I can’t be what you need.” She shakes her head. “I’m not whole. I’m not perfect. I can’t be your mate.”
Misery cloaks my mate’s spirit as she chokes back a sob, and her face is paler than I’ve ever seen it. My chest clenches at the sight of her pain, but I do not understand the words she is speaking – Haley is my mate, and she is perfect in my eyes.
I reach out to touch her cheek, but she flinches away from my hand. She takes a deep gulp of air and draws her shoulders back as if she is bracing herself to face a flock of attacking anuroi. “I can’t have children. I can’t give you that future.”
I struggle for a moment to process what she has said, and in my silence, Haley continues to speak, her voice trembling as the words pour from her mouth in a nervous rush. “I have a medical condition called endometriosis. Basically, my reproductive system is totally fucked up. I had surgery a few years ago, but the doctor said there was too much scarring.”
So many of the words Haley uses are unknown to me, but I understand enough that alarm for my mate clouds my brain. There is only one clear thought that echoes over and over.
“Are you all right? Please tell me it is not fatal. We must find Warrix.” I clasp my hands around her arms and wildly look behind her to the path beyond that leads to the campsite and to the medic. I cannot lose her. Not now that we have only just found each other. She cannot die.
“No, no. . . it’s not going to kill me.”
Her words cause my shoulders to immediately sag with relief and I feel like I can breathe again as I pull Haley towards me for an embrace.
After a moment, she pulls back from me and continues, “But it’s painful sometimes, and it means I will never have children. It took me a long time to come to terms with that, and I thought I finally had until Ch-Chad. . .” She stumbles over her words. “Until my boyfriend, Chad, cheated on me with another woman and blamed it on me. He said I wasn’t a real woman. He said. . . he said I was damaged.” The last sentence is said on a rough exhale of breath and Haley’s gaze drops from mine. Pink rises in her cheeks and swiftly spreads down her neck.
The chip Vrenner implanted inside me does a good job translating most of Haley’s words, but sometimes – like now – there is still confusion that frustrates me. I do not understand some of the things my mate says, and yet, I think I comprehend the general idea. A human male broke his commitment to my mate and chose another female over her, and he had the gall to place the blame on my precious mate for his actions. He hurt my mate.
This Chaad does not sound like an honorable male. He sounds like the lowest of beings. My Haley deserves better than to be discarded and treated like she is nothing. She is everything.
Before I can respond, my mate clears her throat. “And then, this morning, you touched my stomach and you sounded so excited about our future together, but I can’t give you that future. I will never be able to give it to you.” Tears roll down Haley’s face as she chokes out the last words on a sob and she begins to cry in earnest.
I gather my mate in my arms and try my best to soothe her, murmuring words of comfort and stroking my hand over her hair. She buries her head against my neck and my skin grows wet from her tears. I wish I could take away every moment of hurt she has felt, but all I can do is stay by her side and offer the little comfort that I can. But it does not feel like enough.
After a while, her tears fade until they’re replaced with soft sniffles. She eventually leans back and looks up at me with watery, reddened eyes, waiting expectantly for my reaction. I cup her face in my hands and rub my thumbs over the tracks left by her tears as I search for the words to make her understand how I feel. To make her understand how precious she is to me.
My voice is soft as I speak. “This former mate of yours. . . this Chaad, he sounds like the most dishonorable of fools. There was a saying in the old language ancient Laediriians spoke. . . Scummi ahv awa. It means excrement of algae. It was and still is one of the worst insults. That is what that male is. If I could reach across the universe, I would make him suffer for the way he mistreated you.” My gaze locks with hers and I hope she understands how serious and sincere I am.
“As far as your ability to have kitlings. . . it does not matter to me.” Haley shakes her head and opens her mouth to respond, and I raise my brow at her. “Whether or not you can have kitlings does not make you any less of a female and it does not make us any less mated. Nor does it make me love you any less. Just the opposite, in fact. It makes me love you even more because of how strong and courageous you are. It makes me cherish you even more than I already did. You are my future. You are my amoris, my love, and you are perfect in my eyes.”
Haley interrupts. “But the mate bond. . . it’s supposed to pick the perfect mate for you, and it obviously made a mistake when it picked me for you.”
I shake my head at her words and stroke my hands down her back. I do not want to let go of my mate, and perhaps, if I continue to touch her, she will absorb the sincerity of my words. And my love for her.
“The amoris bond has never been about reproducing. It is about finding our spirit’s ideal complement. Kitlings have never been a guarantee or even needed for a couple to be joined together by the amoris bond. In fact, before the amoris bonds disappeared same sex bonds happened sometimes between Laediriians, and those bonds did not produce kitlings. The amoris bond is about being connected to the being who makes our spirit whole. It is a special bond unlike any other. That is why the amoris bond is important to our culture and why we cherish it.” I murmur as I wrap my arms around her again and Haley moves into them willingly.
“And your other point. . . the amoris bond does not actually pick our mate. It only enhances feelings and desires that are already there. Sometimes, it points us in the right direction of our mate, someone we may not have realized we were drawn to, but it does not create the emotions we feel for each other. It does not create the love I feel for you.” I fill my lungs up with a deep breath and plunge ahead with my next words.
“Both mates must be willing parties to the amoris bond. If you do not wish to be bonded to me, I will understand.” The words taste like ashes in my mouth, and I cannot believe I am saying them, but I mean them. “You are everything to me, and I want you to be happy. No matter what.”
Even if losing her will feel like my hearts are being ripped out of my chest, I only want her to be happy. If it means never seeing my wonderful, beautiful, courageous, intelligent mate again, it will be worth it just to know she is happy and safe. I will yearn for her until I die, but I will die at peace.
Chapter 30
Haley
“I want you to be happy.”
His words echo through me, and I believe him. There is a hesitancy in his voice that I have never heard before. The confident warrior that I have fallen for is gone, and in his place is this tender man who looks as if he is already mourning my absence.
Tears burn my eyes and threaten to spill over again as I gaze up at him. I can see the sincerity and love written all over his face and it warms me, and yet. . .
When I first told Chad about my diagnosis, he reassured me that it didn’t matter, but it did. I saw how Draggar acted with the children in his tribe. How he patiently answered each one of their questions and how he happily carried them around. He would make an amazing father, and he deserves to have children of his own. Not to mention that his whole species is literally on the brink of extinction.
