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“Out.”
“Out where? Come on, I thought we were over this.”
“I’m sorry, over what, the interrogations? I don’t think you’ll ever be over that. And what gives you the right? You’re pushing me too hard. I can’t do it all, Mother.”
“Well, too bad. You are, and you’ve been doing fine. The only problems stem from that boy.”
I launch the glass across the room. “That boy has a name — Jeremy. And I happen to love him, so get over it. Are we done?” I stand and put my hands on my hips, waiting for her to stop the hovering.
Instead, she steps closer, inspecting my face.
“What did you take?”
“Nothing. You’ve seen to that.”
“I’m not a fool, Anna. Your pupils are dilated.” I shake my head and walk past her. She grabs my arm and shoves her hand into my pocket. I let her, knowing she won’t find anything.
I smile at her when she goes for the other pocket and comes up empty.
After going to my room, I move the bottle under my pillow, needing to keep it close.
She wakes me in the middle of the night by tossing my pillows across the room and finding the bottle. She rushes to the bathroom and tips the contents down the toilet.
“No!” I scream at her, feeling sheer panic at my lifeline being washed away. I dissolve onto the floor, the damaged pieces of my will crumbling all over again.
I thought I’d fooled her. I should have known she wouldn’t leave it alone.
We don’t speak for the next couple days, and she doesn’t leave the house, either. I’m locked away, back in my self-inflicted torture. All the progress lost for a quick fix that didn’t even get me high or give me any sense of happiness.
And Jeremy hasn’t called. Maybe his mother didn’t mention my little visit. He’s cut me out of his life, just like he begged me not to do.
And with every day, I sink deeper, drifting further away from the reality of my life.
Lost.
I know that I need to try and separate my feelings around addiction and my feelings towards Jeremy, but I can’t. They are a tangled mix inside my head.
“Hey, I’ve been thinking, maybe we should go away. To Cornwall, go a few weeks early? Get away. Escape any temptation.” Mum’s standing at the threshold of my door. We’ve been walking on eggshells for the last few weeks, but it’s easing, and tendrils of strength creep around me, making me more stable. Perhaps.
Mum had mentioned going to see someone — a therapist — to talk through my troubles. It sounds like something I should do, but it makes me feel cold, telling a stranger what I’m thinking.
I look up at her face and try to see if there’s a catch coming. “Um, maybe.”
“You need this, Anna. It will be good for you. Change of scenery.”
I can see why she might think that. It used to be my favourite place. And maybe it can be again. After last year, I should be looking for ways to make it up to her.
I nod and try for a smile.
“Great. It’s sorted, then. We can leave on the weekend.” She smiles, and the relief is clear on her face — she was hoping I’d agree.
If the one thing I can do while going through this is make her happy, I’ll do it. I can see that while I might hate her at the moment, everything she’s doing is for my benefit. And I’m starting to see that because I’ve realised I can’t do this on my own.
Being away might work. It might help ease the pain that won’t leave me, although will it be healing, or will I just end up mourning what I’ve lost even more?
Chapter Twenty-One
Travelling back to such a familiar place is comforting. The first glimpse of the sea as it comes into sight, the salty air that’s just the right side of pleasant — it all wraps around me like a blanket, offering me the confidence to breathe again.
