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I race downstairs and bolt out the front door. Mum’s been in her studio, and over the last week, she has started to relax and trust that I won’t do something stupid.
Turns out she was wrong.
I run to his house, nothing but desperation chasing at my heels.
Nothing has changed; it looks like it always has. Now I’m here; I can’t leave until I see him, so I use the spare key and creep inside. It’s quiet as I move towards the kitchen. There’s nobody here, although there was. Beer cans and bottles litter the surfaces, so I know he’s still having parties.
Sadness pulls at me as I take in the house.
It used to be a beautiful home, everything in its place. But now, all I see is emptiness — a hollowness to the pretty pieces of furniture and décor that impressed me once.
I keep walking around, lingering in case he turns up. He might be asleep or passed out upstairs, so I check. My hand pushes the door to his room open, the hinge creaking and breaching the room with a shaft of light. But he’s not here.
But there’s something else here that might help.
As soon as the thought hits, it’s all I can think of. I race to his nightstand and pull the drawer open, searching through the contents. It’s empty, but I can’t get rid of the thought in my head. It worms its way in and won’t leave. I pull open every drawer in his room, but it’s clean.
“Arghh!” I look around the room, the sense of being out of control now digging into me, draining any strength I have right from me.
The bathroom has a medicine cabinet, and my hands shake as I scratch at the corner to pull it open. Three bottles of prescription drugs, all with Penelope’s name, sit looking at me. They are all half-filled, and I snatch one and give it a shake.
The relief explodes inside of me, and it’s like I can breathe again.
I twist the bottle open, tip a few out into the palm of my hand, put them straight into my mouth, and swallow.
My eyes close for a moment as I bask in the relief.
The bottle slides into my coat pocket, and I leave, jogging down the stairs.
But as I head to leave, Penelope opens the front door.
“What are you doing here?” She looks right at me.
“I um, was just,” I point towards the stairs as if that’s enough of an explanation.
“You know, I thought you were better than this. We let you into our lives, and you repay us by breaking his heart.” She bustles past me, carrying several shopping bags into the front room. “I misjudged you, Anna. I thought you’d be good for him, but you turned on him when he needed you most. Cruel.” Her words hold spite and tear at my already fragile heart. I should be able to stand up to her and explain why she is part of the problem, enabling him to do whatever he likes and that her own addictions have seeped into our lives. But I stay quiet, stunned into silence.
“He’s better off without you. Don’t come back.”
“I didn’t break up with him, Mrs Archer. I just wanted to do the right thing for both of us.”
She looks me up and down. Even now, after everything I’ve seen, she makes me uncomfortable, as if I still need to make a good impression on her.
Stupid.
“Leave!” she screams at me, and I jump, stumbling backwards.
I pick myself up and shove my hand into my pocket, feeling for the bottle like it’s a lifeline, and I’m lost at sea.
I don’t need to run home. I walk, confused that I’m conflicted about my actions and angry with myself.
Before I reach the front door, I grab the bottle and take another two pills, and then shove the bottle into my sock, making sure my jeans cover them. It’s uncomfortable, but I know Mum will take one look at me and want to search my pockets. She won’t believe anything I have to say, and I don’t blame her.
“Where have you been? Sammy left, and the next thing I know, you’d vanished.”
“I’m sorry.” I rush past her into the kitchen to grab a glass of water.
“Where have you been?”
