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“Anna, you have a visitor?” she calls upstairs.
Her words jump-start me into action, and I sit up and straighten my bed, fighting to keep the beat of my heart under control.
I hear footsteps on the stairs but refuse to go and look, not wanting to appear too desperate.
But it’s not Jeremy standing at my door. It’s Sammy.
“Hi,” I don’t know what else to say, and I try to swallow down the disappointment.
“Hi.”
We both look around and avoid eye contact. I wonder if this is something Mum asked her to do. They always got on so well — Sammy was part of the family. The thought runs in my mind like it’s always been fact. Only I’m not sure that’s correct right now.
Sadness brews in my gut, and I know I’ve wronged Sammy in so many ways. She keeps looking around the room. There’s a lot of stuff I’ve trashed or thrown out or broken since being back. I’m sure she’s making up her opinion of me. We used to be so judgemental of anyone who did drugs.
I shake my head, trying to rid the memory of what I was like before because that’s how everything is now: before Jeremy’s dad and after.
Before, it was okay.
After is when it went bad.
I can’t define the before and after as Jeremy because that might kill a part of me I can’t live without.
“You’re not wearing your bracelet?” She nods to my wrist. I can’t even remember when I last saw it. I didn’t notice it was missing either.
“It broke,” I lie.
She nods and sits on the edge of the bed.
“How’s university?” I ask, trying to find anything that resembles safe ground.
“Good. Hard.”
Our words are stuck, like we’re not sure what to say to each other. Only that’s not wholly true. I owe her an apology. A big one for many reasons, but they’re all fuzzy in my mind at the moment. It feels like I have so much to apologise for.
The thought sparks a heavy weight — guilt — in my chest.
“I’m sorry,” I start, “for a lot of things. I need to work on what I’m sorry for most.”
She doesn’t say anything but offers me a small smile. She looks sceptical.
“I know it’s not a lot. Maybe when I’m better, we can talk properly?”
“Okay.”
She leaves shortly after that.
I should see her visit as a step back to normality, a good thing and one that shows I’m getting better. She’s always been there for me, but I’ve been far from best friend material, and I’m ashamed.
I never wanted to be that type of friend, and yet it was so easy to fall into that trap. I didn’t care. I didn’t care about anyone.
My mind begins to whirl, and the pain in my chest grows, attacking me with every breath. It grows and grows until there’s nothing else in my mind other than Jeremy.
I need Jeremy.
I grab my phone and call him. “Come on, come on,” I shout into the phone; although he hasn’t answered any of my past calls, why would he now? The wave of desperation washes through me as the rings sound out in my head, every one a nail in my heart telling me he doesn’t want me anymore. He doesn’t love me.
It’s too much. I can’t do everything all at the same time. I can’t fight the need to throw something down my throat, the emotions wrapped up in my behaviour towards my best friend, and my broken heart. It’s too much. I’m going to drown.
