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It made me want Remi for more than just an escape. It made me want him for keeps.
Edging closer to him and pulling his arm back over me, something poked into my ribs as it filled the gap between us.
The new panda brought tears to my eyes, and they fell.
I made a new vow, not to Remi but to the new gift—that I’d never let Cedric find it.
Snuggling closer to Remi’s chest, hearing the slight rattle from what sounded like a recent cold, I felt safe for once. I wrapped my arms around him as his tightened around me, too. My fingers massaged where his lungs were as they let out raspy breaths.
“I missed you,” I whispered, my head tipping back, ready to see the beauty of his face and forget all the horrors he was attached to.
But I couldn’t, because one of those horrors was still on his face.
White powder hung around his nose, crusting in the dried drizzle.
My nostrils flared in fury, and I broke out in silent sobs as I fought the urge to break my other wrist with the force that I wanted to hit him in the nose to stop him from ever snorting that shit again.
He hadn’t chosen me.
I was wrong.
Cedric could do what he wanted to me without repercussions. He could rent me out, have me raped for money.
And Remi wouldn’t stop him.
He had chosen drugs. AGAIN.
And he always would.
Chapter 60
Catharina
“You think I don’t know what you’re doing?” Remi sat straighter on my bed, distancing himself from me. Our mundane conversation about a future we’d never get—over. “I know you’re playing me. Telling me what you think I want to hear. Because you think I want more than an hour with more than your tight cunt.”
His back towards me, he didn’t see me straighten, too, startled by his choice of words.
I was too tired to fight him on this. My body was weak from the concoction that knocked me out this afternoon. I was too tired to demand he stop the drugs because the reality was, he never would.
Even if he did want so much more than an hour with my tight...
He was a mess.
The bad attitude was because of the shit in his system. But he’d say it was because I’d let him lead every conversation tonight while he lay on the floor. Until ten minutes ago, he was too wrecked to lift his head from the carpet.
Maybe it wasn’t wise to put in such little effort if I wanted my plan to work, but it was hard to be around him when he was like this. I couldn’t even pretend to enjoy his company. All I could do was agree in a flat tone to the false promises and pretend I fell for the lies he whispered.
It was like he saw straight through the drug fog and to my soul, making him aware of my act. It increased his stress levels, which had been higher than usual since he’d returned from tour.
He hadn’t said why that was.
Until tonight, he’d barely spoken to me, and he’d been here three days straight, without leaving. Three long days since he woke up on my bed, cocaine loitering around his nose. My moods had been low and my patience thin ever since.
That large bag of coke left on my bedside table had been emptied in less than sixty-two hours.
A new record.
A heaviness weighed down my mind and my chest as I sank back on the bed, pulling my bedsheets up to my neck, hiding my naked body. My heart raced, terrifying me with the fluttering feelings. The drugs implanted in me the past few weeks had the opposite effect on me, feeling all the lows while Remi got higher and higher.
