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“But…I want this,” I pleaded. “I can be uncomfortable in my body and still want you.”
“No. You can’t. And I need you to be.”
“I am. I want to feel you inside me. I want it to be you I think of and not him.”
“I want that, too.” Remi looked so pained, tight lips holding back so many feelings.
“You were all for it a second ago.” My fingers skated over his chest, his heart racing beneath my touch.
“I know. I just—” he couldn’t finish.
Or maybe I just didn’t hear him. Rothbart’s voice was in my ears again. You’re a waste of a woman. All those nasty scars in your cunt, only a sadist will ever get pleasure from you. How does it feel that you’ll only ever know pain?
It felt like a fucking lie. Because Remi’s tongue hadn’t brought pain. I blinked Rothbart away, keeping any tears he caused at bay. He deserved no more of them. But Remi’s next answer could easily pull them from my eyes.
“Do I feel different…than before? To other girls? Can you feel the scars inside me? Is that it?”
“Yes. I can feel them. No. That isn’t the reason. And nobody else was worth remembering.”
“Maybe we should have worn a condom.” I fanned away the first tear.
“Cat, listen to me. That isn’t it.” His fingers tightened on my hips again. This time, pulling me closer rather than pushing me away. “And I don’t want to make you cry on our date.”
I closed my eyes as more tears sprung, his thickness almost splitting me, and yet, I still wanted more.
“What’s the reason?” I angled myself for another inch, feeling the second barbell slip inside me and feeling full with him. Feeling fucking desperate for him, and yet worthless like Rothbart said I was.
“You’re not ready.”
“I’m showing you I am.”
Another inch, barbell, and a kiss on his lips as I tried to entice him, our tongues barely brushing and his cock twitching inside me when he again turned to stone. “But…you’re not?”
“I’m not.” He swallowed down the pain, but the words still hurt. “I’ll never be ready to lose you again.”
Air rushed out of me, leaving nothing but soundless words and the racing of my own heart in my ears. “You won’t.”
His fingers moved up my back, pulling me impossibly closer, feeding me a few more inches.
“I made mistakes. I don’t even know if you can call the things I did mistakes. I hurt you. I fucking—”
“It’s okay, Remi.” A trembling finger on his lips quieted him. For a second.
“It’s not. I was an asshole, and I—”
“Did you used to beat me or something?” I stilled in silent prayer, praying he hadn’t.
“I never hit you.”
“Then let’s stick to what we said and focus on the future, not the fact that you could have been better in the past. Maybe I could have, too. Who knows.”
“I do. And you were always perfect. Cat, I—”
“And you’re better now. You learned from your mistakes…or whatever you want to call them.”
We looked at each other for what felt like an eternity.
Breaking the silence, I asked, “Can we stay…” Inside me. “Like this? Until we fall asleep?”
