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My therapist doesn’t think it’s a smart idea. To be honest, I’m not sure it is either. But I feel something I’ve never felt before, and I’d be a fool not to try and see where it could go.
I’m sitting on the steps that lead to Merritt’s apartment, waiting for her mother to leave. I don’t hear any screaming, so I take that as a good sign. An hour passes, and I don’t mind. It gives me time to think about what I want to say.
The door cracks open and her mother steps outside. She pauses when she sees me, probably wondering who the scary man with all the tattoos is. I stand and step aside to let her pass.
Merritt’s head peers out of the doorway, her face twisting in confusion. “How long have you been sitting out here?”
I shrug and shove my shaking hands into my pockets. “It’s a nice night. I wasn’t keeping track of the time.”
She joins me in the brisk air and sits on the top landing, patting the space beside her.
“How did it go?”
“It actually went really well.” Merritt recounts their conversation, and I’m overcome with pride. Instead of slipping into old habits, she sounds stronger. Happier. I can’t help but feel like I had something to do with it. Who knows where she’d be if Tanner hadn’t come to me for help.
Merritt rests her elbows on her knees, propping her head up with her hands. “My mother made me think twice about breaking up with Chase. Now I’m left with this feeling like I don’t know if I made the right choice or not.”
My heart drops down the flight of stairs below. I watch as it tumbles, cracking a little more with each concrete step it hits.
I can’t tell her how I feel. Not if she’s still in love with her ex.
So I do the right thing and say, “To me, the choice is crystal clear. You have to ask yourself one question: Do you love him?”
“Of course I do.”
My chest clenches, nothing but a gaping hole now. “Then you need to fight for what you love. You’re a warrior, remember?”
A smile spreads across her face. The smile that makes my stomach ache whenever I look at her. “Thanks for coming to check on me,” she says.
“Any time, doll face.”
“You wouldn’t be here if you had a life, you know.” She leans in and nudges me with her shoulder, forever teasing me about not having a life outside of work.
“If it weren’t for Chase, you would be my life.” There. I said it. Now she knows. She knows how I feel and she can decide where to go from here.
Her jaw ticks open before she catches it and clamps it shut. Her big brown eyes are wide, locked on mine.
Normally, I tell people to fight for what they want. But judging by the look on her face, she doesn’t feel the same about me. She loves him. The only time you can’t fight for what you love is when she’s in love with someone else.
“I didn’t know,” she says.
“I didn’t want you to know.”
“I’m so sorry. I can’t—”
“I know.” I cut her off because I know what she’s going to say, and it will only hurt more to hear her say it. “I know.”
“You have done so much for me, TJ. I don’t know how I can ever repay you.”
I stand and stretch, attempting to seem nonchalant about this whole thing. “You can repay me by staying sober. Stop running away from your feelings. Your avoidance is your downfall.”
She nods, rising with me. “So, we’re cool? I’ll see you tomorrow at the gym?”
“You will.” I wink and trot down the stairs, collecting the pieces of my heart as I go.
Maybe love isn’t meant for me. After everything I’ve been through, how could I think otherwise?
I’m still a statistic, after all.
