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“It’s confusing, okay? I don’t know what to do. It’s just...” I let out a disgruntled "Argh!" Some of the other café patrons turn my way, and I suddenly feel embarrassed with myself.
“The answer is pretty simple to me,” Tabitha says. “You need to talk to him like an adult. Make your feelings known.”
“I’ve tried that and...”
“Tell him that unless he opens up, you’re gone. He needs to realize what this means. If he can’t get his head out of his ass for this, then he doesn’t deserve you, girl.”
I nod, taking her words in. She’s got a point. I don’t want to rush him, but I can’t exactly wait for him to stop being cold to me and derail my entire life for something that’ll never come. There are some guys out there who are remarkably dedicated to "stubborn as hell," and Bear may well be one of them.
Everything is easier said than done. I don’t want to confront him. I don’t want to hurt him, just like he doesn’t want to hurt me.
But inaction will just hurt both of us more.
We have to figure this out.
Together.
NINE
bear
The sun is still out.
And I have a beer in my hand. I’m purely a social drinker. Unless I’m at the bar, or at a big cookout or party, I don’t see much point to it.
Now I understand.
You want that numbness. Something to make the pain feel not so intense.
I have no idea how it’ll work, but I’m there, on the back porch, watching the sunset.
Alone.
I kick my feet up, trying to distract myself from the thoughts plaguing me.
The loneliness.
It’s so strong. Especially as I experienced what it's like to be with someone. To want them so intensely, and not just for the sex. I miss her smile, her laugh, her wit. I miss everything about her.
I don’t want to hurt her.
Maybe I already did.
I tell myself the hurt is less here than if I kept trying to let her in.
A quick cut to the heart rather than a brutal gash.
Still hurts. Still makes me want her.
Marriage is a sham, I remind myself. Not just my mom. All the stories of broken hearts and homes, of people betraying one another, sometimes even stories of violence.
I want to say I would never do such things to a woman. That I would be forever faithful, that I would always be a loving husband.
Everyone holds themselves to such high standards. Would I be foolish to think that I’m immune to such things?
I wonder when it gets around to really numbing the pain.
There’re footsteps in the house. I assume it's Char, given she does have a key, and a thief would have to be a damn fool to bother breaking and entering such a remote house.
