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My phone chimed.
I ignored it.
In it was a couple of soft arm chairs, a side table, and a mini fridge. I went straight to the mini fridge and yanked it open.
My phone chimed again. And again.
“This is kombucha,” I said. “Your booze is booch.”
“Hard booch,” she said. “It’s like seven percent. I’m pretty sure that is a lot.”
“I will take whatever.” I grabbed the first can that looked pretty, cracked it open, and took a swig, the delightful carbonation hitting that satisfying note at the back of my tongue. My phone chimed again. “This is pretty good.”
“Your phone keeps going off,” Caley said.
“I can’t look at it right now.” I looked at it anyway.
In the midst of notifications on the lock screen of my phone was a text from the producer of my show. I swiped it open, read the text, then flung my phone across the room.
It hit the back of the armchair and fell into the padded seat. It chimed as it landed.
“What is going on?” Caley said.
“You need cameras in the meeting room.” I pinched the bridge of my nose with my fingers. “Then you’d know what was going on.”
“Oh,” Caley said. “We do have cameras.”
I took another swig of the kombucha and rounded on my friend. She was just standing there, smiling at me with that look on her face that made me absolutely certain she didn’t know why I was so upset.
My phone chimed.
“What part of that meeting looked like it went well?” I asked.
“Well, you essentially declared your interest in him in a very traditional way for his culture and he clearly was interested in it. I didn’t even know you knew how to hit on him like that. It was so assertive,” she stammered, looking down at the floor. “He behaved very well. He was very careful not to hurt you, including taking preventative measures like flattening down his spikes so you didn’t hurt yourself when you went at him. He accepted your interest and said he was down to marry you, and when you told him you had a whole bunch of husbands he had to fight, he was still interested. He came here thinking he wouldn’t have to do that and was still okay with it. You made a really good first impression. Overall, it was a pretty great first meeting.”
I sighed.
My phone chimed.
“Caley,” I said. “Caley, Caley, Caley!”
She tore her eyes off the floor with visible effort to meet my eyes briefly before looking back down at the floor.
“How was I supposed to know anything about his culture?” I asked. “I knew nothing about him walking in, including the fact that he was a MASSIVE FREAKING SNAKE! He flattened his spikes? Caley? Shouldn’t you have told me he had spikes in the first place? Do I need to worry about barbs in other places? Caley, I thought I was meeting one of those hot space cat elves that you’re shacked up with. You should have prepared me for this.”
My phone chimed.
“They’re called Atisari.” Her voice got really small. “And he isn’t a snake. In the historical context of our interactions with their species, they are called Naga. You can read about them in several ancient cultures, though there isn’t that much information. I thought it would be better for you to meet him without any expectations.”
“Caley, I had expectations.” I stared up at the ceiling. “And you need more input on how to run this whole thing. You need to hire a licensed therapist to do this part of the job.” I gestured at the room. “I love you, babe, but you are not qualified to consult people on whether or not they want to marry an alien after a first meeting. Especially if you’re setting them up with someone so… inhuman.”
“That’s valid.” She frowned. “Except for the inhuman part. His upper body is very humanoid. Next time I do this, I’ll give basic courting information and stuff about the species they’re meeting.”
“Yes, Caley,” I said. “That would be a good start.”
The silence was filled with my phone chiming several times in a row.
“Were you by any chance live streaming when… you know…” she asked, extending two fingers out straight as she glanced over at my phone.
