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“I was,” I said.
My phone chimed again.
“Oh well, no publicity is bad publicity?” she said.
“Caley,” I repeated. “I just showed millions of people a giant alien dick.”
“Dicks. Does Aeson know that?” Caley frowned.
“Who the fuck is Aeson?” I asked, taking another chug of the kombucha.
“The owner of said phalluses,” Caley replied.
“No, the Naga doesn’t know that he just sent a dick pic to the entire planet,” I replied.
I finished off the kombucha, dropped the can on the ground and then stomped on it, flattening it. I scooped it up and held it out to my friend.
“Recycling?” I asked.
She took it from me.
My phone chimed again.
“Maybe you should look at that,” Caley said. “Do you think you’re getting so many messages because of the picture? You weren’t in it, were you?”
I dug another kombucha out of the fridge and then picked up my phone from where I threw it, lifting it up to my face to unlock it.
“It wasn’t just a picture,” I said. “I’ve been saying picture because the producer of my show texted me asking about a picture, and I’m absolutely certain someone screenshotted the live stream I was running.”
Caley fell silent for a moment, her face reflecting the horror that was swelling in my chest like quicksand wrapping around my ribcage, sucking me down into the depths of the suffering that awaited me.
There were a few texts but I ignored them, opening up the BirdSong social app.
I’d been tagged in a photo and I pulled it up. It was marked NSFW, so I clicked on it. There I was, my face in perfect, horrified glory, stationed in the background as I looked down at a still shot from the livestream, getting my first clear look at the hard alien member. What I’d caught a glimpse of before I thought for a moment I’d not seen properly, but I did.
There wasn’t just one of them.
He had two.
There was the massive inhumane log of a beast on top, but under it was a smaller, white, tubular looking thing that looked slightly above average for what I would expect on a human man. It was at least six inches long and the width of a banana, but the tip was curled in like a water wiggly toy, one of those water-filled tube toys.
The impossibly sized log on top was a darker color than his blue green skin, and the entire thing was shiny like an oil spill. There was a glowing teal tattoo running up and down it like an electrical burn from a lightning strike. It had loose skin at the tip that looked like it could pull back to reveal something else entirely.
I scrolled down, reading some of the comments and winced.
They were just as bad as I knew they would be.
No one was worried about me, concerned about me, wondering if I was okay or what had happened after the stream ended. Instead there was comment after comment mocking me. There were a few comments about me being a traitor to my species. There were a whole lot of love me long time racist comments.
This was ridiculous.
I had literally had one disastrous meetup with this alien and these random internet keyboard warriors were freaking out about my loyalty to the human race as a whole. The things they were writing. They didn’t know me at all and they were assigning an entire world of meaning to the tiniest details of the look on my face.
“Should I go tell Aeson you aren’t interested?” Caley said. “I can tell him about the whole… incident too if you want. This is all my fault anyway.”
I looked at my friend.
She was gripping the crushed can so tightly her knuckles were white. She was staring at the floor, her shoulders hunched as she looked down at the ground like the entire weight of the world was pressing down on her.
