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“Me too,” he says. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“Let me preface this by saying you don’t have to answer and I fully acknowledge that it’s none of my business. I’m just surprised you’re not with anyone.”
Lando’s face pops into my mind and my stomach twists, like it always does. I pause long enough for him to rethink the topic.
“You know what? Don’t answer that. I would normally never bring it up if I weren’t drugged.”
“No, it’s fine.” I’m so tempted to tell him everything, but I’m too embarrassed. A guy like him, who can have any woman in the world, won’t understand what it feels like to be rejected. “I’m what you call book smart, but as far as relationships go, I’m a total idiot. My radar is broken when it comes to men. I tend to attract guys who want to use me for my brain, then dump me.”
“If I were going to use you, it would definitely be for your body,” he says.
My eyes pop open, and I’m not sure if I should be offended or flattered. Before I can answer, he says, “Wait. That came out wrong. What I meant was you’re really beautiful.”
My heart does a flippy thing that I don’t want it to. “Well, thank you. I think.”
“I’m really off my game tonight,” he says. “Sorry about that.”
“It’s fine. We’ll chalk it up to the drugs.”
“That’s very charitable of you.”
We’re both quiet for a second, then he says, “Weird that you think there’s something wrong with you.”
“What?”
“Your radar. You blamed the fact that you’re single on yourself, instead of brushing it off as a few shitbags who used you.”
“Two shitbags, and I suppose I could look at it that way, but both situations were so strikingly similar that it leads me to the question of: why do I keep attracting them? And how do I miss all the signs?”
“I think it’s pretty normal to miss some signs when you’re in love with someone,” Hudson says.
“One of them used to come over to my place and wash his penis in the sink.”
“Oh, yeah, that’s a pretty big sign.”
“Exactly. Best to avoid the whole thing,” I say. “Anyway, it’s fine. I’m happy. I have people who love me and a job I’m crazy about. It’s more than a lot of people have, so I figure I should be grateful.”
“Sure, but you still deserve to find a guy who will treat you right.”
I turn onto my side a little more to face him, letting his words warm me as much as this blanket. “Thanks. What about you? How come you aren’t with anyone?”
“Oh, I’ve been with plenty of women.”
“But right before you passed out, you told me you’ve never been in love.”
“Did I?”
“Yes.”
“Well, I mean, that was a particularly intense moment. I thought I was about to die.”
“Which usually brings out the truth, doesn’t it?” I ask gently.
“Yes,” he answers, sounding sheepish. “The thing is, it’s hard for me to let anyone see me the way I am. Maybe it’s an occupational hazard, but I sometimes feel like a chameleon, trying to be someone they think I should be instead of being myself. Someone more impressive.”
My heart aches for him, and I find myself wanting to sneak into his bed and hold him tight. “For what it’s worth, I think you’re impressive. Not the smooth persona when the television crew was there, but how you’ve been today. You’re honest and thoughtful and kind, which is all any woman really wants in a partner.”
