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The front door closes and I see Mila hesitate at the bottom of the stairs like she isn't sure if she should come back up here or not.
"Then what is going on?" Tahani snaps at me. "You're fucking my best friend! Oh my God." She shakes her head back and forth and then grinds her palms into her eyes like she just caught a mental image. "My father is fucking my best friend."
"Stop saying that," I growl, frustrated even though I shouldn't be. None of this is her fault.
"What do you want me to say?" she yells at me. "I just caught you and Mila naked, Dad! You're obviously fucking her."
"It's not about fucking with her," I snap, running a hand down my face when Mila slips away, disappearing into the living room. "Jesus, Han. I may be an asshole, but I'm not that fucked up, kid. I'm in love with her."
"You…I…" Tahani stutters and stumbles, the shock plain on her face. Tears well in her eyes. "You're in love with her?"
"Yeah, kiddo."
Her bottom lip quivers as she stares at me, and I know she sees the truth in my eyes.
"I've been half in love with her for a long time," I confess, clenching my hands into fists when two tears roll down her cheeks. I want to comfort her like I have every other time she's come to me crying, but I'm the reason for her tears this time. And I'm not so sure she'd let me hug her right now. "I know it's fucked up. I'm an asshole for even thinking of her like that. I'm old enough to be her father. She's your best friend. I know it's fucked up. I tried to fight it. For four fucking years, I tried to avoid her, to pretend this shit wasn't happening, but it happened anyway. And I'm tired of pretending that she means nothing to me. Right or wrong, she's mine, Tahani. I'm fucking crazy about her."
Tahani just watches me as I talk, tears streaming down her face. I've never dated much. Certainly never brought them around Tahani. She knows me saying that I'm in love with Mila means something. Fuck, it means everything. I think she knows that, too.
"Why didn't you tell me?" she asks.
"What was I supposed to say? That I've been falling for her every fucking time I've seen her. I know how that sounds. I'm old enough to be her father, Tahani. I didn't want to hurt you and didn't know she felt the same way." I shake my head, not sure there are words to make this easier for her or to make her feel better about it. Maybe I should have stayed away from Mila, fought harder, refused to go there with her. Maybe that was the right thing to do. But I didn't do that. Nothing I say will change that fact now.
"You lied to me. You both lied to me."
"I'm sorry."
I'm so fucking sorry, kiddo.
"Maybe you are, but you did it anyway." She smiles at me sadly, that disappointment still in her eyes. "You both knew I was worried about you, but you lied to me anyway. Did you come here because she was here?"
"No, I…" I sigh heavily and shake my head. "I didn't know she was here when I got here. That's not why I came."
"Then why?"
For the first time in my life, I think about telling her what's going on with my job. I seriously consider telling her the whole fucked up truth. But I can't do that. I can't burden her with anything else when I've already sent her world spinning out of orbit by falling for Mila. I need her safe. It's my job to protect her, and I can't fucking tell her the truth when it'll only worry her more.
"I needed to get away for a while," I say instead, giving her a partial truth.
"You're still lying to me."
I grit my teeth, but say nothing.
"I'm not a little girl anymore. Why can't you just tell me what's going on? I know something's wrong."
"I can't, Tahani. It's not safe."
"Does Mila know?"
I flinch at the question.
"She does, doesn't she? You told her, but you won't tell me," she says, her expression crumbling again. Tears stream down her face, betrayal in her gaze. "Why can't you trust me too?"
"It's not even like that, Hani," I say, hating that she thinks that's what this is about, that I don't trust her. It's not even remotely close to the truth. "You're my daughter. It's my job to protect you, not the other way around."
"Are you in danger?"
"I–" I swallow and shake my head, not willing to vocalize the lie. I'm fucking tired of lying to her. I've been doing it for years, and I hate it.
