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Aaron doesn’t entirely disagree, but it’s the last thing Holly needs to hear at this moment. “You helped her to unlock the lifelong secret that had been suffocating her like quicksand. You gave her her first real chance at recovery.”
“I pushed her too far, too quickly.”
“It’s always so easy in retrospect,” Aaron says. “Accidental or deliberate, she was always going to be at huge risk. You can look back and try to make all the sense out of her death as you want to, but it will still be just as senseless.”
Holly stops, and so does Aaron. “You’d feel differently if she’d been your patient.”
“Maybe.” He lays a hand gently on her shoulder. “I’ve lost five patients—that I know of—to suicide. The last one hurt just as much as the first. But I don’t blame myself for any of them.”
She eyes him dolefully. “Lucky you.”
“I look at it another way, Holl.”
“Which is?”
“How many people have I saved from suicide? How many deaths have I prevented? How many loved ones have I spared the agony of suffering that kind of loss? No way of knowing, but one thing I am certain of is that it’s a hell of a lot more than the ones who died.”
“A win-loss column?” She snorts. “That’s a rosy way of looking at it.”
“It’s not rosy, it’s realistic. Look at you. How many of your clients—those recalcitrant addicts—have become sober thanks to you and your innovative methods? How many overdoses have you prevented?”
“You’re really pulling out all the stops, aren’t you?” Holly groans. “It’s odd, though.”
“What is?”
“The last time I saw Elaine—the day before she died—she told me she was done with drugs. The way she said it, too, made me believe her.”
“I don’t need to tell you that relapse is the rule not the exception among addicts.”
“True. But there was something different about her. A real focus. A passion for self-agency.”
“Sure. In the moment. Then something changed. Maybe she was triggered? A text? A call? God only knows. In a crisis, people usually revert to what they know best, where they find most comfort.”
“Maybe.” Holly is silent for a long moment. “But you want to hear the worst part? What really makes me hate myself?”
He squeezes her shoulder. “I do.”
Holly’s eyes redden and tears begin to pool above her lower lids. “I’m relieved.”
“Because of the accusations she was going to make?”
“Yes!” Holly cries. “They won’t see the light of day now.”
“That’s understandable. Natural, even. No matter how her allegations might have landed, the whole ordeal was going to be an absolute nightmare for you.”
“Do you know how guilty that makes me feel?” She wipes her eyes with the sleeve of her shirt. “A woman died, maybe because of the therapy I gave her. And now I’m relieved she’s dead? What kind of monster am I?”
Aaron looks deeply into her eyes. “How else are you supposed to respond? After escaping an existential threat like that? Relief is inevitable.”
Holly’s face crumples, and she embraces him, squeezing him tight enough that he can feel every sob that racks her body.
Aaron hates to see his wife in such pain and distress. But he loves the feeling of her in his arms. And he realizes that, at some level, the two are inseparable.
CHAPTER 15
Thursday, April 11
Holly wakes up feeling slightly disoriented. Technically, she is in her own bed, but she hasn’t lived in Aaron’s house for almost six months. And lying there with her old comforter wrapped around her, she can’t help second-guessing her decision to have slept over. But she didn’t want to be alone last night. And after dinner, where she and Aaron split a bottle of pinot noir, it seemed the most natural thing in the world to crawl into bed with him.
