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“No shortage of irony there,” he says. “Dying from the illness she dedicated her life to combating?”
“What’s so unusual about that?” Holly asks. “Advocates die all the time from diseases they’re crusading against.”
Aaron stares hard at her. “You’re not fooling anyone, Holl.”
“Is that what I’m trying to do?” Her voice sounds almost playful, but he knows better.
“You can be as stoic as a statue for the rest of the world, but I can tell this is eating you up.”
She meets his gaze for a few seconds and then looks back out to the rolling Laguna shoreline below them as it snakes alongside the cyan-colored ocean. “She was terrified of needles, you know?”
“An opioid addict?”
“Her addiction was to pills. Vicodin, Percocet, et cetera. She once told me that her needle phobia was the only reason she hadn’t overdosed years ago like so many others.”
“But this time she injected?”
Holly starts to walk again. “The evidence was lying right there by her foot.”
Aaron follows after. “What are you thinking, Holly?”
“I don’t know. But it’s so hard to imagine her injecting herself. Maybe she wasn’t looking for just another high?”
“Wait. Suicide? Is that you what you believe?”
“I have no fucking idea what to think!” Holly snaps and then glances at him with a conciliatory grin. “Sorry, Aaron. You don’t deserve that. I’m only venting.”
“Vent away.” He waves to the dirt trail and the barren hills surrounding them. “This is our safe space.”
“At the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter whether her death was an accidental overdose or something else,” she says.
“Why not?”
She shakes her head. “Either way, I failed her.”
“Come on, Holl.”
“I took her on pro bono, Aaron. My charity case. Now she’s dead. Some charity, huh?”
“Holly…”
She surges forward, breaking into a jog.
Aaron hurries to catch up with her, breathing heavier and feeling a slight burn in his thighs. “Let’s say you were an oncologist instead of a psychiatrist,” he says.
“Sure. Why not?”
“Would you blame yourself for every patient you lost to cancer?”
“Not exactly a fair comparison.”
“Why not? Like cancer, opioid addiction is extremely lethal. The world’s best doctor isn’t going to be able to prevent all overdoses in her practice. Or all suicides, for that matter. You know this, Holly.”
“But how many oncologists cause cancer in their own patients?”
Aaron throws his hands up in the air and has to catch himself as he stumbles over a small rock. “You caused her to misinterpret her own memory, is that it? Is it your fault she confused you for her childhood abuser?”
Holly slows to a gentle trot. “I gave her unproven therapy, Aaron. I combined two powerful psychedelics. And I did it as much for my own gain as for hers. Clearly, Elaine wasn’t ready.”
