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Even if it takes Ruthie a hundred years to truly see me, I'll be here, waiting for a single smile from her. I know I don't stand out amongst my brethren. I'm not incredibly smart like Sakkar, our medic. I'm not outgoing like Erzah or always making jokes like Zaemen. But I hope Ruthie sees me. The real me. The devoted a'ani who would do anything for her.
See me, I silently demand. See me tonight, Ruthie. How I would keffing adore you with every breath I'd take if you'd just let me.
Her gaze drops, and so does my heart.
Not tonight, then.
"I appreciate you letting me sleep here," she says, voice delicate and soft and it makes me ache all over with yearning.
As if she needs to ask. "You're welcome in my bed at any time." Her head jerks up and I realize what I've said and quickly add, "But I should warn you I'm waking up early tomorrow."
"Oh?"
I desperately want to touch that delicate ear again but I don't want her to be bothered by my attentions, either. So I close my hand tightly and force myself to rest it on her hip. "We're going to town tomorrow. Erzah was telling me he thinks the town could use a second cantina and he wants me to go with him to give my opinions."
Ruthie looks at me in surprise. "He really wants to stay here? On this planet?"
"Is that so bad? I don't think Lord Straik will continue as he has in the future," I admit. I'm surprised she hasn't considered staying herself. This is the safest place in the galaxy for a human. "With his mate pregnant and the authorities looking closely at his mother, he and his mate will settle down somewhere quiet. We crew are just thinking ahead to our futures. Not everyone wants to serve on a ship forever."
"Of course not. I didn't mean for it to sound like that." Her fingers skim over my chest lightly, and I close my eyes with bliss at the small touch. "I just...I guess I feel like I'm still finding my footing, and it's hard to think of someone leaving our group. Risda's so quiet that it doesn't seem like a place that Erzah would choose to settle in."
I grin at that, on safer territory. Ruthie doesn't seem to realize that we all have different plans for what happens if Lord Straik retires. Dopekh wants to go to the nearest station and apply for a bounty hunting license. Zaemen dreams of his own ship. Me, I dream of whatever Ruthie wants to do. "Erzah has big ideas of running his own cantina. I like that for him."
"Risda, huh." She taps a finger on my chest, right over my quickly-beating heart. "I want to go with you tomorrow. Can I come with?"
"You...do?" Perhaps she sees me after all. Perhaps she wants to spend time with me. Perhaps?—
"I want to get a good look at the place," Ruthie continues, oblivious to my hopeful thoughts. "Form my opinion without my sisters in tow. You know, in case I decide to stay. Do you mind if I come?"
"Of course you can come." I am dying inside, but I manage to sound jovial.
Jovial unto death, that's me.
CHAPTER
SEVEN
RUTHIE
Sleeping in Kazex's bed is amazing. I wake up early, fully refreshed and completely aware of where I am. It's impossible not to be—his scent is everywhere, and if I so much as twitch, I run into a thick, muscled limb. Kazex is a bit of a sprawler, it seems. He's taking up most of the bed and almost all of the blankets. I've curled up under one arm, pressing myself against him, a small lump in the bed at his side.
My arm is around his waist and my breasts are pressed to his chest. I am extremely aware of this, holding myself still so as not to wake him and ruin the moment. If he knows I'm here, I'm obligated to pull away. But...I love pressing my breasts up against his hard, muscled form. It feels so good that I want to rub myself against him. My nipples are hardening and I'm so tempted to shift and scrape them against his skin just to revel in that delicious sensation.
But I've been ignoring him for weeks. I don't get to do that to him. It doesn't seem fair to him if I send mixed messages. Well...even more mixed than now with me half-naked and in his bed. I'm telling myself that this is just friendly. That he's being a good buddy to me.
Good buddies don't rub their aching nipples all over each other.
Reluctantly, I extricate myself from the bed, careful not to disturb him. He continues to sleep, oblivious to me crawling over him, and rolls onto his side, the blanket falling to the floor.
