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He was done praying over and for me, but I wasn’t.
With my eyes closed and heart open, I tilted my head back and let my soul speak. “Jesus, I can’t do this by myself. I don’t know what to do but if you send your glory and help me…” My body started to tremble and emotions choked me. “I’m scared, God. I don’t know how to do this. I don’t see what you see, but I don’t want to go back to my old ways. I’m afraid of what’s ahead. You’re calling me to be a father and I need help. God, let your glory appear. I don’t want to be on the world’s side of safe but on the side of glory. God, I want you to be pleased with me. I wanna be what you delight in. God, I’m at a pivotal point in my life and I just want you. I need you. Show me your glory. Help me to see your glory. I’ll follow you. I surrender to you. Even if I lose everything and everyone and it’s just you and me, I still want you. I’m ready to fight. I only want those around me and in my life that are ready to fight. I say yes, God.”
Life had a crazy way of humbling you. My parents invited me to have brunch with them at Another Broken Egg and for the first time in our family’s history, us three sitting around the table when there should’ve been four, a gloom of incompleteness haunted our table. An awkwardness that teased my inner pride and ego, laughing in my face that the solemn expression on my parents' faces, especially that of my mom, I caused it.
I’m the reason she’ll never have family dinners with both of her girls.
I’m the reason she’ll never have mom-and-daughter dates randomly throughout the week.
Aleyah had gone so far as to block me. I tried calling and texting her a hundred times, but I couldn’t get through. When she said she was wiping her hands clean with me, she meant it and I had to live with the burning consequences.
“How’s Ezekiel doing? Grief is a hard thing to manage. Is he seeking counseling?” My daddy, the first man to own my heart, wasn’t a big fan of my relationship with Zeek. I couldn’t blame him. What father would be okay with his daughter pining over an adult entertainer? Several times he’s voiced his concern and fear of Zeek potentially influencing me to live on the wilder side of life and join him in a few flicks.
That wasn’t my style.
I’ve been nude a time or two but nothing not tastefully done.
“Um, he’s managing the best he can. A few days ago he started counseling with Bishop, which is good. We’re both managing all the grief in our lives the best way we can.” My dad and Bishop were… acquaintances.
Back in the day when my dad called himself being a dope boy, he worked on the corner for Bishop and his brother until he moved up to lieutenant status. For years he lived a double life. Working for Waste Management during the day driving garbage trucks and running the streets at night. My mom never knew about it. She never questioned the extra money in their account because it wasn’t odd for him to get large bonuses throughout the year. He made good money at Waste Management and still does now in the position of leadership.
None of it was suspicious until it was.
Stacey Diane Austin flipped her shit and filed for divorce.
Aleyah’s dad, my mom’s first husband, got hooked on drugs way too early in life. It destroyed their family and destroyed their marriage. While my dad wasn’t using his own supply, being the one to supply it hit too close to home. Luckily, my dad was a fighter and fought tooth and nail for my mom and to keep our family together. He stopped working for Bishop and continued working at Waste Management.
Looking out the window with a faraway look, my mama wasn hurting. Daddy followed my gaze, seeing his heart wounded. His arms tightened around her, nose gliding along her cheek until his lips rested on her ear, where he whispered a secret passage of revival that made her cheeks spread into her big smile.
I loved my parents’ love.
I loved how after so many years of being with each other, the desire to belong with each other never wavered but grew as the years passed.
“What’s troubling you, mama?”
Loving on my daddy a little bit longer, she took a sip of her warm lemon and peach tea. “I keep looking out the window in hopes your sister will come, but I know she’s not.”
“Because she’s not in town, Stac. Remember, I told you that after I dropped her off at the airport?” A wave of jealousy swirled around my stomach. Wanting to grow into bigger tides, but I suppressed it because the relationship between her and my daddy reflected the integrity of his heart.
He loved Aleyah.
Treated her as if she came from him.
They’ve built a solid relationship that I used to try my hardest to destroy.
Shame on me.
“You… you saw her? Where is she going? Is it back to Chicago?” My lips started moving faster than I could control them.
My parents looked at each other before my daddy looked at me with all honesty and said, “Yes, I saw her. Have seen her quite a few times since she moved back. Where she’s going, that I don’t know. When it comes to her personal life, she isn’t so forthcoming. And no, she isn’t moving back to Chicago. At least not right now.” Daddy got quiet and looked off. Every few seconds he’d clear his throat and rub his eyes and mom would try to soothe him. I sat confused on what had caused him to get emotional.
Kenny Austin rarely cried. Had no problem expressing himself and being vulnerable but tears weren’t ever invited to the party.
“Did she… did she tell you about our conversation?”
My dad excused himself from the table and my mom sighed. “No, baby, she didn’t. What happened, Sunnie? I know something happened because after she left you she came to the shop and hugged me for what felt like hours. Hugged me and cried. Saying she loves me and forgives me and then she leaves and goes to the house and does the same thing with your dad. And now she’s gone again and no one knows where she is.” Looking at my mom was like looking at Aleyah. They were so identical that it hurt.
“I… um… whew.” Where was the food because this wasn’t the place for this type of conversation. Granted we had the back corner of the restaurant to ourselves, but still. “I owned my mean girl mentality when it comes to her.” My dad came back at that moment and I wished he hadn’t. It was one thing to confess my wrongs in front of my mom, but doing so in front of my dad, I didn’t want his perception of me to change.
