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I didn’t want him to love me less.
I didn’t want him to look at me as not his little princess.
“We talked and I explained why I’ve been an evil bitch to her all our lives. She took the attention off of me growing up. When I wanted your attention, you were too busy spoiling her. That infuriated me to no end. I’ve built my career around making her suffer and look less than. In my heart and mind, you loved her more than me when you two are my parents. Her dad is dead yet my daddy was trying to be something he isn’t to her. I’m your child, not her. And mom, you failed at knowing how to delegate your time and love. You gave her more attention than me when I’m your daughter too. To be honest, y’all play a role in my treatment of her because had you made me the top priority, I wouldn’t feel like my sister is my competition and my enemy.”
What the fuck, Sunnie?
I hated the uncontrollable vomit of my mouth when asked certain questions. My ugly truth was my ugly truth to deal with, not them.
No one said a word.
Mom looked like she was three seconds from leaping over the table and popping me in my mouth, and dad looked exactly how I didn’t want him to.
Disappointed.
“Here you are, folks.” Our server came at the right time. Plates of pipping hot food were placed before us with a side of mom’s evil glare. “Enjoy.” I wanted him to stay because I knew shit was about to hit the fan.
Dad blessed the food, and we started eating in silence. Eyes on our plates, thoughts running wild. The shift at the table had me on the verge of tears, but it was time. They needed to know why I was the mean girl to my sister. They needed to know how I felt over the years. Could my delivery have been a little different? Absolutely. There’s always room for improvement. But we’re here now.
Twenty minutes later the server was back taking our empty plates. “I’ll leave this here for whenever you’re ready.” He placed the check booklet down and left me again to deal with the storm I caused.
“I’m sorry for making you feel you didn’t matter, Sunnie. I’m sorry.” Mom admitted and her apology was genuine but it didn’t feel good. I didn’t feel good because the more I’ve had time to truly sit and think about my childhood, I was never neglected in love, time, or favor. If anything they suffocated me, but that’s the lie I’ve had to tell myself to feel justified in my actions towards Aleyah.
“Thank yo-”
“I’m disappointed in you, Sunnie.” Resting his upper body on his elbows, my dad’s wet eyes sunk my heart to the pit of my stomach. My lies had caused so many people's grief.
“Kenny.” Mom tried to intervene.
“Maybe your mom believes that fucked up story, but I don’t because I know how I loved you as a child and into adulthood. There was never a time when I didn’t overexert myself in making sure you knew how much I loved you, Sunnie. Yes, we gave you everything your heart desired but you were loved well and safely. We loved you well. I loved you well.” He stabbed his finger in his chest with each word and I sat there in a complete crying mess because he was right.
“How dare you feel as though I shouldn’t have been a father to an innocent child. A seven-year-old child. If I’m to love my wife, your mother, in totality doesn’t that mean loving her children too? Because if I don’t that means my love isn’t whole, right? It’s conditional and makes me a fuck nigga. How dare you try to lessen my worth as a man to justify your fucked up insecurities and lies? If my love was conditional or limited why aren’t you around here with daddy issues? Why aren’t you bouncing around from person to person trying to fill a void? Regardless of the Hollywood life you live, you have never dealt with a man outside of a certain caliber. Simon and all his weirdo tendencies, y’all relationship was transactional, but he never treated you less than and he provided for you. Though I dislike his profession, Ezekiel, a high-value man, treats you like the queen you are. So where did I go wrong, Sunnie? All of your relationships have been healthy because I gave you the blueprint on how you should be loved by how I love you.”
This isn’t what I wanted.
This isn’t how this conversation was supposed to go.
I loved Ezekiel so much and fell head over heels in love with him because he reminds me so much of my dad. His selflessness in making sure I’m okay and taken care of. His openness to communicate even when the conversations are hard. How he puts me and my feelings first. The safety net around me. The force field bubble of protection. The comfort I feel in his manly being.
I have my share of shit but daddy issues or even mommy issues have never been one.
Yet, I allowed this spirit of jealousy to create false illusions.
False illusions that had me out here destroying relationships.
“I’m sorry for projecting my insecurities and jealousy on you guys. Blaming you and mom for my issues. I’m… I’ve always been jealous of Aleyah. Jealous of everything she does and her wholebeing. I think it started with kids at school always wanting to play with her and not me. Cousins preferred her over me, or at least that’s how it made me feel. Then one or two comments from people telling me I should be more like Aleyah. If I wanted to go places I should be more like her. How she was special and talented. I wanted them to say those things about me. Their words were planted in my heart and started to root down and cause a shift. I can’t pinpoint when it all began, doesn’t really matter now because I’m a grown woman still thinking as a child. The more I think about it, the more foolish I feel because she’s older than me. When I came along, if anyone should have been jealous, it should be her, but she’s never treated me wrong. She taught me how to love myself in all seasons, yet I’ve hated her in all hers. While I’ve been trying to be better than her, so no one can ever say that if I want to be somebody, I need to be like her. I wanted to make sure I was the more fun one that people wanted to be around because if I had it all and she had nothing, then I should’ve been the first pick for everything. My goals turned into being the best, even if it meant tearing her down. I’m truly sorry, and I hope you can forgive me.”
Catching our server as he passed by, I handed him my credit card with the bill. “Thank you.”
My parents hadn’t said much since I revealed the rotten layers of my onion orbit. Mom went back to looking out the window with the weight of the world on her shoulders and Dad burned a hole in the table. A shift happened in our family. One of pain and regret and I was at the root of it all.
“I’m going to the car.” Grabbing his keys, Dad stood from the table and walked over to my side. Cupping my chin in his hands, he kissed the top of my head and whispered how much he loved me. “If I ever lacked in my love for you, I’m sorry. I truly am. You’re my princess, Sunnie. Though you apologized, my heart is still in pain from your confession. I only ever tried to love you to the best of my ability and I failed. Be safe, baby girl.” He walked away and warm tears soaked my face.
“Mom…”
“I don’t know what to do anymore, Sunnie. I really don’t. Aleyah and I have our issues because of how we started. A child raising a child. But this with you, I’ll take accountability and apologize for the way you feel. I won’t diminish how your feelings. But the part that got me pissed is you trying to blame it on kids picking on you and such, but the raw honesty spoke first. We didn’t love you enough and for that, we apologize, but what I won’t tolerate and apologize for is the way you’ve treated your sister.” In a quickness, she switched from soft spoken Stacey who owned the best hair salon in the tri-county area to Stacey from Driftwood, who used to fight in the middle of the street and carry a blade under her tongue.
An acrylic nail pointed in my face, and her lips pinched. She gathered me quickly. “What did I tell you the last time you called yourself bullying my damn child? I told you that I would beat your ass because I’m sick of it. For years I thought y’all had the normal little sister big sister quarrels. Aleyah never said a word, and neither did your ass. I had to overhear you talking shit about her to a fucking stranger to fully understand what’s been going on for years. For years, Sunnie. On the outside you’re beautiful, but on the inside, you’re ugly as shit. Do you understand the hurt I feel knowing that your sister doesn’t want to be around us anymore? Play them games for all your dumb fans, but I told you not to bring that fake bullying shit to this family.” Her bottom lip trembled, and her voice cracked. “Y’all are my girls. My girls.”
