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To live right.
So, she gave me clean money.
“I’m stepping out for a minute.”
From the sneakers on my feet up to the hoodie on my head, she studied me with questioning eyes. There haven’t been many moments when we weren’t under the same roof, so I’m sure she thought I was heading out to do some shit, but I wasn’t on that. After I got out the shower I texted Bishop. I really needed to talk to somebody before I let myself do something stupid that I’d regret or couldn’t take back.
“Okay.” I knew it took everything in her to not question me. Probably feeling like she didn’t have that right when she did.
Easing her mind, I kissed her cheek and rested my head on hers. “I’m not going out to do anything stupid. My mind is all types of fucked up and I’m going to talk to Bishop.” Her eyes fluttered closed and she exhaled into me. I gave her a sense of relief and trust by being honest and open. “Text me if you need anything while I’m out.”
Those brown pools of warm honey stared up at me, making me feel needed and loved. “I love you, Ezekiel.”
Those three words.
“I love you too, Sunnie Mae.”
Before I could get lost in her world any further, I left and took the long way to Bishop’s house. Drove down the intercostal with my windows down, smelling the salt air. Mom loved coming to the beach. Loved sitting out here to relax and listen to the waves.
I missed my mom so damn much.
“Hey, Ezekiel. Come on in.” Aziza, Bishop’s wife, greeted me with a hug I didn’t know I needed. A hug that felt motherly and secure. “Everything is going to get better, I promise.” We stood there for a while embracing. Nothing sexual, even though Aziza was the Mrs. Parker for all the men of my generation.
“Thank you, Aziza.” When I stepped back I noticed Bishop leaning against the kitchen entry wall. I ain’t gonna lie. I was stuck for a minute. A little fear pumped in my heart. “I meant no disrespect, Bishop.” It was no secret this man was crazy, but he was extra psychotic over his wife.
Smirking, he winked at his wife, who was giggling and shaking her head. “That’s your one and only freebie. Baby, we’ll be out back if you need me.”
The Cambridges lived in luxury. There’s a difference between living wealthy and living in luxury. You can have a mansion hallow with no substance. You can also have a nice-sized single-family home converted to expensive levels of luxury. To the unknown outside eye, their home looked modern, nothing more. However, the minute you stepped inside, it told a different story. From the inside to the massive backyard, it screamed money. Luxury. Expensive. State-of-the-art and top-of-the-line.
For thirty minutes, he and I sat by his fire pit in a comfortable silence. He smoked a cigar and got lost in the orange and red flames. He never rushed me to speak. He gave me time to process and was ready to help however I needed him when I did.
“Today was the reading of my mom’s will and she left me her million-dollar insurance policy.” I racked both of my hands over my head, chuckling in confusion. “I don’t find gratitude in the money. I’m not grateful for it, Bishop. It’s not a blessing to me. It feels like my mom had to die in order for me to have that. An unwanted exchange. Like her life was worth a million. She sacrificed herself for money to help me get out of the porn industry. Almost like some weird ass illuminate ritual or some shit.” I was reaching, but my mind couldn’t make sense of her display of love. It just couldn’t.
I wanted to throw a whole damn tantrum, stomp my feet, and fall out, rolling on the ground screaming that I don’t want the money, I want my mama.
Another round of silence and this time it was me who waited for him to speak.
“You have glory on your side. Let me break it down. Yeah, I’m about to get a little preachy but it needs to be said. Okay?” He put out his cigar and stood.
“Yes, sir.”
“God has anointed you, Ezekiel, and His glory is intervening because God is blessing you. For months you’ve been telling me that you wanted a way out. That you were tired of drinking poison and doing drugs just to function in those spaces? God answered your prayers and gave you a way out. When you fully step back from your business, you don’t know what the domino effect of that is going to cause. Lawsuits and payouts. You might bleed your account dry with the money you made doing porn, yet you won’t be broke because you’ll have the money gifted from your mom. Are you following me?”
How could I not?
He put things in a perspective that I hadn’t considered.
“Yes, sir.”
“Stay in the lane God has created for you to follow because He’s ordering your steps. Glory is covering you, going ahead of you, and figuring it out for you. You don’t have to do anything but be obedient and follow the steps created for you. It’s the glory of God over you, not yours. Right now it feels like the enemy is throwing every fiery dart it can find at you. It’s hard to remain faithful and not get weary, but that’s how the enemy works. Getting you off course to take you out. The powerful thing about God and why He’s the big dog is that He’s not a God that shall lie. His promises are still yes and amen. It started in the spirit. Remember those demonic dreams you were having? Them weapons are forming but they won’t prosper. You’ve come too far to give up. Stand up for me.”
Obeying, I stood up, feeling my body getting attacked with a million little needles. Such a weird feeling, but I wasn’t afraid. I felt calm and at peace.
“When you worship, lift your hands.” Automatically, my hands raised. “God wants an invitation to dwell here, Ezekiel.” He touched the middle of my chest and it set off fireworks in my body. “When your arms are raised to worship, speak openly and honestly with God. Tell him the truth about how you feel and what’s going on in your life. When the glory of God shows up, it will help you make a decision. Fight against the dark thoughts in your mind. If the Lord delights himself in us, that’s reason enough for you to fight. Understand that narrow lanes have access to big promises.
“God called you the way he sees you. He wants all of you. Even the parts you think are too filthy. You’re about to be a father but fear has you operating as an unstable and unreliable man that won’t return the calls of your child’s mother. He’s going to show you how to build your family out of broken pieces. You’re here because you have value in the kingdom even if you don’t feel you have purpose there. Change your ways and watch God give you vision and purpose, but He can’t and won’t dwell in places if you have more love for the world. You’re trying to serve two gods. That won’t work. One will fall off. Let’s just hope that the one that falls off is not the one who holds your salvation in His hands.
“God is delighting Himself in you. You’re chosen, Ezekiel. You’re royalty and His heir. God died for your sins, too. Nailed to the cross and raised, just like you were raised to.” With one hand in the middle of my chest and the other in the middle of my back, Bishop began to pray. “Father of the living God, let Ezekiel’s soul come into divine relationship with who you are. Let the Holy Spirit dwell in the inside of him. God, show him what happens when he chooses righteousness over worldly suffering. Clear his eyes. Give him a fresh work in his heart and mind. Let him see himself as you see him. God, teach him how to vessel your glory and remove anything that is hindering him from surrendering. The promise is still connected to his name and generations to come. God, thank you in advance that your word won’t return void. In your mighty name, we pray, amen.”
