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Damn, I missed my favorite girl.
I owe Leann and Aleyah for their creativity with this obituary. Aleyah crafted my mom’s life and love for her hobbies and family so beautifully. It’s like she had this secret conversation with my mom prior to her death and poured out her words. Don’t even get me started on the poem written in the back addressed to her boys. Out of the four-page obituary, two of them were dedicated to me and Jeremiah. I had a page with nothing but pictures of me and mom. The icing on the cake was my name and my accomplishments, the clean version, were listed. Bishop made sure to read my section extra loud and clear, antagonizing the hell out of my dad.
He was fuming.
I made it through most of the service without breaking down. Jeremiah and I were expected to give the final word at the end, and I wasn’t prepared for that at all. Aleyah had written everything I had to say, so that wasn’t the problem. The problem was knowing that the minute my lips parted, I was going to lose my shit.
“I’m not ready,” Sunnie mumbled, reaching into her clutch for tissue.
I was about to ask her what she was referring to but then I heard the slow melodic hymn and the middle of my chest started to ache. Aleyah had taken the mic and all I could do was rest my arms on my knees, hang my head, and let my emotions fall to the ground. She and my cousin Jonathan started the service singing A Song for Mama by Boyz II Men, creating an atmosphere of sadness and reflection. This song, one of my mom’s favorites. It broke me. Aleyah belted out My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dione like no other. I questioned why Leann chose this song and she said my mom wanted this.
But this… this hurt.
How was my heart supposed to go on without my favorite girl?
After Aleyah finished, the church was a sobbing mess and neither Jeremiah nor I were in a condition to give the final word. Taking my hand in hers, Sunnie walked up to the podium and stood next to Leann, who had Jeremiah’s hand in hers, and our women did what we couldn’t.
Our women.
My woman.
They gave the closing word and thanked everyone for coming out to celebrate our mom on our behalf.
Sunnie stepped in when she didn’t have to. That spoke volumes of her love for me. An endless type of love that grew every day. Making it hard to not cross over those imaginary lines we created to keep our friendship leveled.
“Where’s your mind at, Ezekiel?” Bishop Cambridge cornering me outside the church wasn’t of any surprise. I’ve been dodging him for quite a while now.
Over the years, he’s been a mentor to me. Helping me navigate being a man and the world around me. Offering business advice and wise counsel in the arenas my father should’ve been my sounding board. I called him immediately when Crystal told me she was pregnant and I was one of three men that might be the father. Sought him out like I wanted to do with my dad. His spiritual wisdom and realistic views on life were refreshing. He’s never judged me in my profession. Never made me feel less than. My overall well-being has always been his concern.
My mental health.
My spiritual health.
“Honestly, I’m lost, Bishop.” Thankful that my dark shades hid my eyes, my head dropped not wanting him to see my vulnerability. “It’s the what am I supposed to do next that haunts me. In a few months, I’m going to be some kid’s father. What makes God think I’m strong enough to bear all of this?” My jaw clenched in frustration. With my hands fisted in my starched slacks, I looked over the crowd of people pouring out of the church. We had fifteen minutes before the procession headed towards the burial site.
The final goodbye that I wasn’t at all ready for.
“Right now it may not feel that way, but you’re stronger than you think. God’s toughest warriors fight some tough battles. Scars are a given. But whoever said life was supposed to be easy? When you start walking in your purpose it damn sure won’t make you a part of the soft life club. It’s going to build your faith and strength as a man and a father for the child you’re going to be raising. You were created for so much more than your eyes can see and ears can hear, Ezekiel. Let God use you and stop running.” His words resonated deeply and conviction pressed down on my shoulders, as always.
As much as I’ve grown tired of the lifestyle I created. Tired of the clubs, drugs, and parties. Tired of sleeping around with no end goal outside of money. No matter how unaccomplished I felt in contrast to my bank account. No matter how many times I told Bishop and Sunnie that I’d walk away at any moment, I sipped too many mocktails with my staff and now had a bad case of FOMO.
Fearing that I’ll miss out on the invitation rather than the experience. Fearing that people will forget my name. Fearing that I’ll stop being sought after and won’t have a ‘no’ to give.
I wanted the demand that came with my life but I didn’t want to act on the demands. I wanted the world of secular and lust to continue to want me but I didn’t want to want them.
Odd, but true.
Serving the world weighed my shoulders down, while my inner being cried out wanting to be refreshed with something higher and beyond me.
“Hey, Ezekiel.” A soft raspy voice breezed past my ears as Aleyah came into view.
She too wore dark shades and sported a red nose. The songs we selected for her to sing were touching. Hard for her to sing and not get emotional. “Hey, Bishop.” She hugged him first and then me.
“Where are you headed?” Bishop was nosey as hell.
Used to him prying in her life, she gave a small smile. “Don’t start, Bishop. You know exactly where I’m going since he snitched and told your wife about what I said.” Her playful eyeroll and smile exposed the crescent crease in her left cheek. “I don’t know when I’ll see you again, Zeek. Take care.” She hugged me tight, and I hugged her tighter.
“If I knew inviting you over and trying to do an intervention would mean not having you in my world, I wouldn’t have done it.” Over her shoulder I watched Sunnie stand back ringing her fingers looking over at us. I don’t think the reality of Aleyah’s stance hit until today. Her sister spoke and moved along without a care in the world.
