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Were my dreams about to come true?
“The first death I experienced was the death of living in fear, worry, and doubt. It consumed me so much that I felt like I was suffocating. Dying, a gruesome, slow death, losing every bit of my sanity each day. Hence my move to Chicago. I never thought I’d leave my pink and purple walls at mom’s house, but I did. Quit my job and everything to follow God’s instructions.” Her smile that glowed in Zeek’s living room was not the smile I’d just seen. Her entire demeanor changed. Her whole being radiated. “I don’t know who told you that I was broke or homeless, but I’m far from that. My account may not reflect yours, but I’ve never gone without. Lake Michigan is my view every day and not from a cardboard box but a highrise condo.” She snorted, shaking her head.
I’m so confused.
Did she just say highrise apartment in Chicago? Where the rent is damn near twelve thousand a month?
“The second death I experienced was relationships.” Her bottom lip trembled and those mascara covered lashes blinked until her tears stayed put. Finally. Fucking finally she showed some emotion. “Nobody understood why I had to leave. Nobody tried to understand. People thought I was crazy, thought I lost my mind to leave everything I knew to move across the country. I’m very much sane. But see, that’s the thing about purpose. Walking in your purpose. It’s not supposed to be understood by anyone outside of you and God. Folks were affirming my downfall the minute I shipped my things. Nothing hurt me more than having to mourn relationships that I thought would last through the test of time. Then, the final death was people pleasing. Excuse my French, but that bitch was hard to lay at rest.” Her laughter caused the hairs on my arms to rise.
“I genuinely love loving on people, especially my family, and friends. I love helping in any way that I can. It’s a part of who I am. It’s my love language. God created me this way. Over the years, so many people took advantage of my kindness and selfless love. Just constantly taking and taking. Not once asking or offering to refill me up for my benefit. Seeing me empty yet asking me to deplete myself to dust, and then having the audacity to catch an attitude and cut me off when I decline one time to be there as if my previous record doesn’t show that I’ve been there. I’ve given all that I am every single time when asked and not asked. Declining because I’m so empty that I’m barely hanging on.”
Like a broken dam, tears flooded my face as her words pierced my heart over and over.
“I own my part in it too because I allowed them to treat me that way because their place in my life at the time was what was important. I had a piece of them. But then God asked me a question that shook me to my core. Why would do you want pieces of someone? Are you a dog that eats crumbs on the floor? Is that how you think I see you?” Her features became pinched as if the memory was too hard to digest. “I had to spend this time away from everyone. A season with just me and God, for Him to do a work in me. Show me my heart and the hearts of others. Show me how conditional loving humans are, but also show me that He’s always been there. Never changing.
“In the beginning, the silence was so deafening because everyone I thought cared for me, as they once said, wasn’t there in my darkest season ever. No one showed up. No one asked the right questions. God had to break me down, take it all away. The money, the fame, the job, the people, the creativity. He had to strip me bare of all the idols and things I placed before Him to show me that my dependence is on Him and not on people cause they will certainly disappoint you.”
Two lone tears were wiped away before they had the chance to free fall.
“I had to learn what my value is, and I had to learn my worth. Had to learn to be alone and find peace and love in that. You asked me what happened to me.” She sat up and leaned across the table. “Life happened to me. People happened to me.” She sat back and released an exhausted breath.
As painful as it was to hear her story, I was a glutton for punishment. “Why didn’t you call me Aleyah? You’re my sister. We could’ve been there for each other.”
She looked at me with pure disgust. “Delusion isn’t a color that you wear well, Sunnie. Ask yourself that question. Why have you not been there for me? Answer honestly.”
Maybe I was touched with a little of the delulu bug because I was asking shit that I knew the answer to but wanted to stall on revealing my ugly truth. I knew the answer without having to think about it.
“Truthfully…” Was I really about to do this? Was I really about to speak my truth? “I have a hardened heart towards you because I feel like you robbed me of so much of my childhood and teenage years.” I paused, swallowed the lump in my throat, and proceeded. It was too late to stop. I opened Pandora’s box and had to finish.
“Mom focused so much time, effort, and love on you that all I got was pacified crumbs. She was trying to right so many of her past wrongs with you that she often forgot about me. Then my dad.” My voice started to tremble. “Yes, he loves me and treats me like his princess, but his love faltered too. I expected his love to fill mom’s gaps only for him to do the same with you. Trying to be the father you never had while neglecting the only one who truly came from him.”
My eyes caught Zeek standing at the window, looking in with worry haunting his eyes. I gave a nod to assure him that I was okay, though I was far from it. Adulting and accepting accountability was hard, and I needed to finish this conversation even with the feeling that she and I would never be the same.
“You’ve always gone above and beyond to treat me with the utmost respect and unconditional love but I’m not able to reciprocate because my heart is rooted in jealousy and insecurity. Comparison is the thief of joy and you’ve unknowingly robbed me of my joy for decades because I’ve been on this hunt to make you suffer for my lack of attention as a kid. Making you suffer for taking my parents from me. Making you suffer for being you. Being jealous of you and also wanting to be you created this monster inside of me. I could’ve told mom how I felt and she would’ve included me more. I could’ve done the same thing with my daddy but I thrived off this made-up lie in my head, that if I become better than you in every avenue, they’ll see I’m the better daughter. On the exterior, I reign supreme over you, Aleyah. Yet, internally you have what I desire most - inner and outer beauty. Peace and freedom. I’m chained to the lies, hurt, pain, and whatever other evil I’ve succumbed myself to.”
“Wow.” Her raspy voice whispered, eyes glossed.
“I haven’t been there for you because that means letting go of the fuel that has pumped me to reach the success that I have. I’m not a good person when it comes to you, but I want to be. I want to heal the little girl in me, but it’s hard. So damn hard. You’ve always been there for me, Allie. Always.” My small voice sounded like I did when we were kids. Hearing it surprised us both.
“Don’t do that, Sunnie. Don’t try to victimize yourself and emotionally manipulate me.” She gritted, eyes narrowing. I wasn’t trying to do any of it on purpose. It’s a defense mechanism that has worked on everyone in my life. That broken little girl inside of me that I’ve been ignoring, not wanting to heal, she was screaming for her big sister to hold her, to love on her.
“I… I’m sorry for the pain I’ve caused you. I’m really sorry for not being there when you needed me.” Honestly, I was. She deserved better than me. My actions have been evil and hearing her story… I just wanted her to forgive me. I treated her like a stranger that had done some cruel shit to me. Aleyah has never ever harmed me.
Her perfectly arched lips curved into a smirk. “The part that hurts more than anything is that you aren’t sorry, Sunnie. You’re afraid, that’s it. Afraid of losing the man you love because he’s finally getting to see the real you. You’re afraid that those dreams will come true, so you feel that if you try to repair what God is showing you is broken, then the reality of the dreams coming true is slim to none. Am I right?” Aleyah’s level of discernment and wisdom were unearthly.
How did she know?
Why was God sharing my secrets with her?
“I release you, Sunnie Mae Austin. I release you from my heart.” Everything slowed down and my jaw dropped. What did she mean? “When I moved to Chicago, I started my forgiveness journey with myself and the people who have hurt me. At the hands of evil men, I’ve experienced abuse and trauma no human should ever endure. I have scars that will follow me for a lifetime. But the pain you caused me hurts worse, and that speaks volumes to how deep the wounds you inflicted hurt me. But I’ve forgiven you, I forgive you. Forgiveness is for myself, never for you. I need that to move on about my life. A life that doesn’t have you in it.”
Gasping, I tried to touch her, but she flinched like my touch was harmful. “Al-Aleyah, that isn’t…”
“Isn’t what? Fair. Baby sis, we’re past that phase. My decision comes from your actions of wanting to be the villain in my life story. I’ve never treated you less than the queen you are. You’re my blood sister, you rank higher than anyone, but you’ve always treated me like I was beneath you. Lower than a peasant. Never once have you shown up for me and you never will. You truly enjoy me suffering for reasons that I will not waste my time trying to understand. I don’t need you in my life, Sunnie. While I can’t control your actions, I can control how you treat me by removing myself and that’s what I’m doing. Protecting me from you. Loving me how I wanted you to love.”
My body shook uncontrollably as she hugged me. Soothed my sobs and held me as my world shattered. “I love you, Sunnie. I always will. I pray you find the happiness you’ve been chasing. Take care.”
Feeling her arms try to release me, I held on to her tighter. “I’m so sorry. Please don’t leave me. I can change. I can fix this.” Dear God, I needed a miracle.
