AllFreeNovel
Share Us
I reached a hand out from under the covers, hoping for some sort of connection. It’s fine if he didn’t want to hook up with me, I just didn’t want to feel so far away from him. He took my hand softly, running a finger under my palm. An energy grew inside me from the contact, a tickle running through my wrist and to my chest, somehow pushing my body deeper into the bed. I gasped.
“Palms,” he whispered.
I did a double take, caught his eye, and smiled. He began to do the same, but the look dropped from his face as his hand fell away. He wasn’t okay. I didn’t know why, but he wasn’t okay.
He stood quietly and turned off the light. It was going to be a weird few days.
???
The next morning, I found myself splayed on the floor of the shower.
Ribs. Collarbone. Forearms. Palms.
I jumped, and the slick, white tub squeaked underneath me with the movement.
Hips. Oh my god, hips.
My knees bent, folding my legs into me as the hot water continued to fall.
He made me…come. I could hardly believe it. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d done that. Years. It had to have been years.
It was clear he didn’t want to repeat whatever the hell happened last night, but I wasn’t sure I’d ever stop thinking about it. This newfound sexuality was like a shiny new toy I got to play with every day if I wanted to. A toy that was attached to me, right between my legs. He’d discovered this treasure, this thing that I never wanted to lose again.
God, how I loved his calm curiosity, his serene seduction. He had always been so plainly himself, whether he was happy about it or not. Unapologetic. Unique. Fucking perfect. That warm, bubbling feeling rose in my gut, strong enough for me to realize I was totally, completely fucked. Never did I think I’d find myself having to get over a crush on Jonah, yet here I was. At least I could play with him in the privacy of my showers.
I ran my hands up my body, thinking of the way he’d touched me at the beach, of the way he’d explored me on the edge of the futon, of those tattoos that lined his arms, and the way he always glared when he was unhappy. The pressure built deep inside me, stacking itself piece by piece as I imagined him right outside in the other room. I wanted him to wonder what I was doing, to put his ear to the door so as to be closer. I knew it would never happen, but a girl can fantasize.
My hips bucked. I was desperate for him to just burst into the fucking bathroom and have me. Anything he wanted, I’d give it to him, if only he’d take it. He wasn’t my strange little Jonah anymore. He was Jonah. God. He was night and day, my peace and play, he was the very person I felt comfortable crumbling for. How badly I wanted him to take advantage and what a shame it was that he didn’t feel the same.
I slapped a hand over my mouth as my head kicked back and pleasure lifted through me in waves. The image of his face watching me hung in my mind, snake eyes staring, those lips smirking. So forbidden. So desperate.
The residual shakes left my body, my escapade hardly offering any reprieve, and I cringed with clarity at the current situation.
Fuck. I was officially done for.
???
Jonah
I fucked up. Big time.
For the duration of the night and well into the morning, there were three things playing on a cruelly vivid loop in my head.
One. The heartbreaking truth about Kai’s experiences which seemed to be washed over by what happened directly after.
Two. What happened directly after. My fingers on the soft, wet spot between her legs, the taste of it on my tongue, her mouth sliding over the skin of my hand.
Three. Perhaps the most torturous of them all. That desperate little look she had in her eyes the entire time her body begged me for it.
The last twelve or so years of my life had been spent dreaming about the very moment I almost took. So many nights were lost planning it, calculating it, plotting the hypothetical. But it came without warning, and it came as something else.
I was not going to be her comfort person to explore in order to open herself back up. Besides, if she knew just how dark the things I wanted to do to her were, I’m not sure she’d see me as such comfort anyway. Which was a whole other problem in and of itself.
After twelve years of thinking about her, of being a total fucking dork in high school and researching how to kiss online with Oli because we got no practice in real life, of letting my imagination run absolutely wild while I got no real reprieve, there was no way I was going to be a cute little hook-up for her to experiment with. I’d had more than a decade to think about every tiny detail of what I wanted to do with her, and if I let myself do it, she’d know. It would take her all of two seconds to understand exactly where I stood on the matter of us being together.
Had my lips touched hers, I simply would not have been able to stop. Not until she shunned me away, which I’d never be able to handle. Had I fucked her, I would’ve had to fasten her wrists to the very frame of my bed so she’d never leave me, and while I wanted to do that, I didn’t want to do it in such a way. I wanted to know that when that bind came off, she’d stay with me forever. Willingly. Longingly.
She’d never love me as I did so hopelessly her and, frankly, that was enough pain for one lifetime. The last thing I needed was for her to have me and then leave me as well. I wouldn’t be able to get over that. I’d never forgive myself for losing that. I couldn’t handle the thought of after. I was just so used to living in the before.
