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Shit. I bit down on her shoulder and groaned into her skin. “Say it again.”
“Jonah.” She gripped me hard as she hit her peak, her nails digging into the back of my neck. “Jonah.” Her desperate calls fueled a part of me I’d never released, a beastly part that I’d kept hidden since the day I realized it was even there. It was all for her. Everything was for her. No one could ever be close to me because I was hers, inside and out.
She shook as I held her tight, my free arm squeezing the life out of her and my face buried firmly in the crook of her neck. Every movement, every reaction to my touch, buzzed through her body and reached my skin. I wanted to feel her twitches in my arms, her breath on my ear, her heartbeat against my chest.
My vicious instincts allowed me to run my free hand over her back delicately only until the shakes left her body and she calmed down. Finally, she lifted her face to look at me, but I hadn’t quite returned to myself yet. I grabbed her by the throat and made her watch as I slowly removed my fingers and dragged them through my lips. The second my fingertips exited, she used a hand to pull my hold from her neck and dropped her mouth over them. The little brat locked eyes with me as she showed me what it looks like when she sucks on something of mine. My lip curled.
“You should get up,” I said far too rudely for my liking.
She bowed her head over my fingers once more, scraping her teeth gently along the sides. Those cinnamon-sweet eyes that haunted my dreams since childhood had never looked stickier.
I moved my fingers before she could torture me further and grabbed her with both hands, standing and lifting her along with me. With three steps, I was beside my bed, and a moment later, I’d thrown her on it. Her back hit the mattress, and my traitorous body leaned over her to hold her in place as if I was going to dive in right here and now. She squeaked in response, and another piece of my brain flaked away.
Holy shit.
I couldn’t fucking do this.
“I’m sorry, Kai.” I ripped my hands away from her, running one through my hair as the other grabbed my cock. She stared between my legs, fighting for a peek. “I’m so, so sorry. Get into bed. Make yourself comfortable. I need to… Just… Make yourself comfortable.”
I whipped out of the room and barged straight into the bathroom. It took me nothing more than a handful of seconds to line the sink with my distress, and clarity hit me like a fucking freight train. What the fuck had I done? What was wrong with me? My beautiful Kai. My everything. I ruined it. And now she was in our room, painfully alone after I took that from her. She’d never look at me the same.
Oh god, this was it, wasn’t it? This was the end. This was the part where our cute, childish relationship became a weird adult co-dependency that couldn’t stand under pressure. This was where we’d realize we were too close and things were too weird, where I’d have to release parts of her so she could move on with her life.
I wanted to go back and hold her. I wanted to whisper beautiful things in her ear until she fell asleep. To kiss her and tell her I’d be here forever. But I couldn’t. She just needed help getting close to someone. That’s all I was.
That’s all I am.
Chapter 28
Kai
Jonah entered the room, and I shot up from the bed. He stopped short in the doorway, his eyebrows sinking as he stared. I liked what happened but…the way he looked at me now made me feel like I’d done something wrong, like he wanted to take it all back.
“Kai, I’m so sorry,” he said quickly.
I shook my head nervously, fiddling with the hem of my tank top. “Would you stop apologizing, Jonah? For the love of—”
“Are you okay?”
I bit the inside of my cheek and ripped off a piece of flesh. He seemed so…awkward. “Of course, I am.”
I’d been waiting to see what bed he wanted me to sleep in, if he’d come in and hug me through the night, but it became clear pretty quickly that taking this any further was not on his agenda.
“Right. Good.” He knitted both hands into his hair, staring at me like it was the last time he’d ever see me.
Please come closer to me.
His hands moved, one to his hip and another to drag his eyebrows inward with his pointer finger and thumb. He sighed, rippling his jaw as he let his eyes fall shut.
He regrets it.
Damn.
I’d probably scared the shit out of the guy. It’s not like I wanted to marry him or anything, I just wanted to…I don’t know…explore. We knew everything about each other, we loved each other no matter what, we were there for each other in the hardest times. It only felt fitting that we knew each other in this context too, right? He liked sex but hated people. I wanted to like sex but couldn’t find anyone. Of course, he had the right to put up as many boundaries as he needed, but if you ask me, it seemed like the perfect set-up.
Whatever. I stepped over to my bed and sank into it with a heavy heart.
He immediately straightened up from his slumped position by the door and propelled toward me, dropping to one knee by the futon to help me with the blankets. I placed my head on the pillow, looking at him sideways, and he observed every one of my movements with twitchy surveillance as if he thought the sheets would shatter around me.
