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Oh god, not the full name. I shifted nervously in my seat. Surely, this was going to ruin her stay. She’d be mad at me, and then she’d leave, and I’d have to wait a year, two years, who knew how long until I saw her again. “I’m sorry. They live with me, Kai. It’s just more obvious. I hardly even told them.” I stared straight into her eyes so she knew just how honest I was being.
“It’s true,” Oli said. A valiant attempt.
I glanced at him and then back at her. “It just didn’t work, Kai. I didn’t want to have to talk about it. That’s why I didn’t say anything.”
I could already see the emotion brimming in her eyes. Only a few more seconds before she’d probably lower her face to the table and end the conversation, staying quiet until later when she’d tell me how disappointed she was, how hurt she was. Something split in my chest as the seconds pressed on.
How could I be such a terrible friend and leave her in the dark? I racked my brain, wondering where the hell my mind had been. It’s not that I didn’t want her to know. I just didn’t want to waste time on it. The words Kai and I shared daily were precious to me. Why taint them with Caroline’s fuck ups? Why suffer through a lengthy conversation about all the things I’d been through, when I could be listening to Kai tell me about her day or showing her the new melody I was working on? There were many other things that I considered far more important than my failed attempt at a relationship.
“I understand,” she finally said. My brain short-circuited. She…understood? “I’m so sorry it didn’t work out, Jo.” She scrunched her face, unnecessary empathy overtaking her features. “Just remember that whatever happened doesn’t set the precedent for the future. Relationships can be good.”
Oh. I rolled my eyes, the terror of upsetting her now entirely gone as the exhaustion from hearing that shit settled in. I wasn’t really in the mood for lessons of love. I’d had enough of them for one lifetime.
“I’m serious, Jo. Let it go. Don’t close yourself off.”
“Yeah, okay,” I muttered. I picked at the food left on my plate. I didn’t want it, but Kai wouldn’t let it be thrown away and she’d eat herself sick if I left it.
Chapter 12
Kai, Nearly Two Years Later
My phone chimed. Another deposit. My commissions for last month’s sales.
It had been a year since my Instagram account proved itself to be quite lucrative and became my full-time occupation, replacing my virtual clients entirely. Now that I’d graduated, I had a lot more time to dedicate to it too. Apparently, people liked watching me work out at the gym. For some fucking reason. Not that I wasn’t eternally grateful for it.
My new couch cradled me nicely as I scrolled through my bank statements, unlike the old sunken piece of junk I’d gotten rid of months before. My back pain had faded along with the rough patches inside my mouth which I used to chew on nervously. The tacky, purple walls of my little apartment had long since been painted ivory, the old appliances replaced, and the shock current that ran through the kitchen counter whenever the water was running had finally been fixed. Just like I’d always wanted it to be.
I took a note from the Book of Jonah Alexander and hardly left my house these days if not to go to the gym or the occasional photo shoot. My apartment was small, but it was safe and comfortable. Household tasks kept me feeling productive, and my life consisted mostly of working out, cleaning, and creating. Some days I didn’t even open my mouth. Other days, Jonah called. My routine made me feel…content.
I hadn’t dated since Javi, apart from a couple of dinners with Jessie Doe. Very nice and very insignificant. The spot between my legs hadn’t produced a singular sensation in that stretch of time, save disgust whenever I checked my Instagram message requests.
I decided long ago to stop doing that. People were intrusive on the internet. Mean too. It was as if they had no idea that their comments about my body, or their hate, or their criticism were actually appearing before my eyes and affecting my very real heart. All I was doing was posting about my daily life and somehow, to them, I was too thin yet too muscular, not eating enough yet eating too much, oversharing yet not getting deep enough. For a job I had always imagined to be simple, it was difficult in the most ridiculous ways.
Whatever. I always trained better when I had something to be mad about, anyway.
I was hard to get a hold of if not by Jonah, Oli, June, or my parents, but I was still able to connect with a few great gym gear brands who funded my lonely lifestyle. A lifestyle I was grateful for.
For the first time in my life, I had enough money to eat at nice restaurants and buy new clothes whenever I needed to. Matter of fact, I had enough to do a lot more than just those things. It would’ve been nice to feel healed now that I had what I’d always wished for, instead of dealing still with the need to cover up the hole in my gut, but perhaps I hadn’t really grown as much as it seemed. Or perhaps I’d just taken it as far as I could alone.
Or perhaps I’d just taken it as far as I could alone.
As I sat on my nice couch in my apartment I’d worked so hard on, it hit me. I called a family meeting with Jonah and Oli, navigating to our group chat and summoning them both with a video call. Each of their faces popped up separately on my screen, and Oli held his arm up to show June working at the desk behind him with her headphones on. She always had her head down these days, working hard for that master’s degree.
I explained my thoughts, my financial situation, my emotional situation, rambling for longer than a few minutes about everything I’d been thinking about. Without revealing my true intentions, I let them in on every detail of how I felt just to see if they’d come to the same conclusion I had. They did.
“Move here.” Their responses were simultaneous.
I nodded, on the verge of tears for the first time in a long time. That was exactly what I wanted to hear. A single stream of water rolled out of the corner of my eye. “I will.” My heart gushed at the confirmation. Something inside me told me that this was the move that would finally give me the life I so desired, that this was the right thing to do.
Jonah’s phone plunked down on the desk, and Oli and I were suddenly looking at his ceiling. I could hear the faint sniffles and the quick gasps which likely had his shoulders jumping. He was so sweet, and his reaction made me twice as emotional. I wanted to run there this instant and tackle him in a hug.
Oli’s camera shook as he stood up from the bed, and I watched him shuffle into Jonah’s room with a silly grin on his face. Both of them appeared on Oli’s screen a few moments later, folding over each other, showing me only a mix of arms, T-shirts, and perhaps a shoulder or two.
“Aww, Jonah,” Oli crooned. I couldn’t tell if he was trying to comfort the crying boy or being sarcastic. Probably a little of both. He then directed his attention to me, staring at the screen though Jonah hung on his neck, sobbing into his shoulder. “Will you stay with us until you find a place of your own, or—”
“No!” Jonah lifted his head, sucking in every emotion that had been dripping down his face to jut a firm hand out in front of himself. “You’re staying with us. Always. No place of your own. Oli and June are okay with it too.”
I was sure he only assumed that last part but, quite frankly, it was the only opinion he would’ve accepted from them. We all knew that.
