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With that, she was content. The tears and fear and anger she felt seemed to turn to sleepiness as she finally settled in to rest after a long day, hugging her deceased toy into her chest. I kept her stacked against my speaker and silenced myself so as not to bother her.
When I was sure she was fully asleep, I crossed the hall to Oli and June’s room where Oli sat on the edge of his bed, tackled him in a hug, and cried into his giant chest until my eyes ran dry.
Chapter 9
Kai
The girls didn’t come back to Madrid this year after the holidays. Instead, they stayed in the States to finish out their last three semesters of school. Our international university was mostly for temporary exchange students anyway, so I couldn’t blame them. Only I stayed behind with my parents while everyone else shifted through and moved on as if they were surfing a conveyor belt that ran much too quickly.
I was alone. And now, without Javi, I was alone.
It was terrifying.
He was an asshole, obviously, but he was also a human who knew me inside and out. He was the structure and stability I’d been hanging on, no matter how weak it was. I didn’t just break up with Javi. I broke up with my job, my main stream of income, my social life, my romantic life, and a version of myself I hardly even cared for, but now suddenly missed.
But the more time that passed since the breakup, the further away I got from that relationship, the more I looked back and realized how fucked up it had all been. I felt eerily hollow as the majority of my life fell away, and I had to just toughen up and bear it. Empty numbness was a little better than the weight of being his girlfriend, and if those were my only two options at the moment, I was grateful to take the former.
My skin clearing up the more I distanced myself from him was a tell-all. I was even sleeping better. My monthly visits from Aunt Flow still hadn’t returned, though I didn’t think that was entirely Javi’s fault. Who knows? The point is, I was getting better, and I should have done it sooner. So, as hard as it was, this was my life now, and that was that. All I could do was make sure it never happened again.
Last week’s call with Jonah annoyed me a bit, but he was right. I hated that he was right. He almost always was, but he had a very matter-of-fact way of speaking that I just wasn’t in the mood to hear. It almost felt like he was trying to pick a fight with me. Logically, I knew he wasn't, but I was never known for my lack of passion. If I was anything, I was a vassal to my own emotions, and he had this strange way of inflating them and making them stronger than me.
It was like he felt them along with me, and we somehow shared in the pain, making it all-encompassing. It was a two-way street, admittedly. I felt his emotions much differently than I felt Oli’s, for example. It was a curious thing that I didn’t quite understand, but in short, the conversation ticked me off…in a helpful way.
I paced around my tiny apartment for days, trying to figure out where I felt safer; here at home where Javi could show up anytime, or out on the street where he could catch me, but only if he could find me. I honestly didn’t know, until I realized something.
I was in danger no matter where he found me because I was me. Because I was weak. Because I’d let him walk all over me for so long and would do it again if only to avoid conflict or keep him from getting angry. Survival tactic or not, it was a terrible habit. I had to find a new method of protection. One that didn’t break me down, but built me up.
I considered self-defense classes, but they were expensive and the schedule didn’t agree with mine, so I settled for the next best thing. The gym. I certainly couldn’t make myself any taller, and definitely not taller than Javi, but maybe I could make myself more powerful.
I got a membership at a place only ten minutes walking from my building and forced myself to go each morning. Not only because I needed to get stronger, but because I needed to get used to being on the street, to being out in the open and vulnerable knowing he lived in this city. The walk to and from the facility was arguably the hardest part of the workout.
For the first few days, I just stayed on the cardio machines and observed what other people did, hating myself because I knew it wasn’t doing me any good. I spent nights watching influencers on Instagram, doing my best to sort the misinformation from facts and find someone whose goals aligned with mine. After a week or two, I’d gotten into a groove. I was even starting to have some fun with it, but my brain was quick to fight against me each time I felt a spark of joy.
Now, I stood on a platform with a barbell at my feet, staring at my reflection in the mirror in front of me. My eyes trailed the lines of my shoulders, down to my elbows, my forearms. I looked at my own abdomen and my legs. Not strong. Not bad, but not strong. I’d have to be stronger. If I wanted to push him away next time, I’d have to be stronger.
You were with someone last night. I know it.
His typical words rang through my head. How many times had he come to my house and said that to me? How many nights had I spent waiting for him, just for him to place the blame on me somehow?
You never want to have sex. That’s how I know you don’t love me anymore.
Funny. He knew it before I did.
Why do you always flinch when I touch you? God. I can’t even fuck my own girlfriend without her flinching. You don’t like anything I do.
I never wanted to hear about sex again in my life. I never wanted someone to so much as reference closeness, or touch, or fucking in front of me. All I ever knew it to be was downright disgusting. Degrading. Unenjoyable. Images began to accompany the memory of Javi’s words. Sensations. Feelings.
Stop. Stop. Stop.
I picked up two more plates and added them to the barbell.
Pull. Just pull.
I did. I pulled. And the gritting feeling of moving that weight, the burn that ran through my body in reaction, was greater than the pain of those memories. For a moment, they were gone. My mind went silent.
I wouldn’t have to feel anything anymore if I didn’t want to. No one could touch me anymore if I didn’t let them.
Lies.
