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Joq shook his head. “She probably just needs some time. It’s nice anyway, having someone else in the apartment.”
“You don’t like living alone?”
Joq’s hand paused where he was reaching for his coffee before he moved again like he’d stalled and rebooted. His eyes were fixed on his coffee as he replied, “Not used to it, I guess.”
“I’ve always lived alone,” Chris replied not wanting to pry into who Joq used to live with even though he really, really wanted to ask. “Even when I lived with my parents or at boarding school, it felt like I lived alone. What’s that saying? Surrounded by people but alone.”
“Maudlin,” Joq replied, lips twisting into a smile.
Chris grinned. “I liked it. Anyway, how are you?”
“I think you know how I am,” he sat back, crossed his arms over his chest.
Chris reached for his coffee. Coffee probably wouldn’t help. Everything felt magnified—his awareness of the brown liquid in the mug, the feel of Joq’s presence breathing in front of him, the number of people around them. Chris couldn’t recall feeling anxious in his entire life; he was the type to shrug stuff off, fall into indifference, never get too close. He didn’t like it at all. But he liked Joq. And he liked wanting someone. Really wanting them.
He decided that was worth getting over himself.
“I like you,” he stated.
“I’m not—”
“Looking for anything serious, I get it, but,” he smiled nervously, “maybe we could go back to before, before I pissed you off and you ghosted me.”
Joq shook his head and sipped his coffee. “You didn’t piss me off.”
“Hurt you then.”
Joq snorted. “You didn’t hurt me either.”
“Well why not carry on like before if you’re not hurt or pissed off?” Chris asked both hopeful and kind of pissed off himself.
“The drama,” Joq replied steadily. “I’ve had enough drama from being with someone to last me a lifetime.”
“If you get involved with people, you’re going to have some drama.”
“Exactly.”
Chris sipped his coffee. He’d just negotiated himself out of it. His grandfather would’ve watched that series of moves and levelled him with a look full of disapproval.
He sat back, crossed his arms over his chest and decided to treat it like a business negotiation, that’d put him on stable ground.
“I think you enjoyed,” he paused over the word choice, “our time together.”
Joq stared at him, but his lips twitched in a ghost of a smile.
“And I think you do like me, just a little bit.”
Joq glanced away, a crack in his armour showing.
He didn’t say anything and Chris waited. Waiting was the hardest and most important part.
“Be with me. Exclusively, I mean,” Chris blurted. Screw his problem.
Joq met his eyes. “Not open?”
Chris was aghast. An open relationship? “Definitely not.” He started stirring his coffee aggressively for something to do with the jealousy that roared through him. “I don’t want to share you.”
And for some reason that seemed like the perfect thing to say because Joq relaxed, smiled warmly like he’d never smiled at Chris before and Chris couldn’t help returning it, full of hope and nerves.
