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“Not yet,” Chris replied heavily.
“But,” Brendan paused and Chris could see his brain working. Finally, he said, “You’re scared you will.”
“Scared is too strong a word, but yes.”
“But you really like him.”
“Yes,” he replied firmly and thought of Joq—his skin so warm and smooth under Chris’ hands, hell, even the feel of his feet against Chris’ stomach, the rise and fall of his chest as he breathed and his eyes shone with the light of the TV; the way he’d laughed lowly at the stupid antics of an action movie.
Yes, he really fucking liked him. Wanted to fuck him again more than he wanted air.
“And he hasn’t,” Brendan cringed and smiled at the same time, his face twisting comically, “repulsed you yet, so maybe keep at it?”
Chris chuckled. “Thanks, good talk.”
Brendan glared at him. “I’m trying here, man, I just don’t get the problem. You like him, you still like him, keep seeing him.”
“Yeah, well, I want to do that but he kinda ghosted me and now he’s agreed to see me again but he’s not giving me much and well, I don’t know how much to push it because, you know, I could lose all interest at any time.”
Brendan stared at him. Chris could feel it on the side of his head where his eyes were fixed on his fingers drumming on the table.
“Fucking hell,” Brendan finally said with feeling. “He ghosted you?”
“Yeah, I dunno, he seems like he’s got his own problems.”
“Ditch him,” Brendan said. “He ghosted you. You.”
Chris cracked a smile. “Thanks, but I’m hardly the catch of the century. I could fuck and ditch at any moment.”
“Jesus, you’d just bail?”
“You don’t get it,” Chris sat up and met his eyes. “It’s not conscious, but I have to get out, get away from them. If I stayed it’d be so much worse.”
“Worse how?”
“Worse like, if they touch me,” he shuddered, shook his head. “I just have to leave and never see them again.”
“Jesus, man, that’s fucking harsh. Why would you do that?”
“I thought you were supposed to make me feel better?” he replied dryly.
“What gave you that idea?” Brendan held up his hand before Chris could reply. “But seriously, you like this guy, maybe don’t do that?”
“It’s not conscious,” Chris stressed again. Fuck, why was he having this conversation. “I freak out,” Chris sat back sullenly. “I always, always, lose interest. But I actually started to like this guy, like as a person. And the sex is phenomenal.”
Brendan’s face twisted.
“Don’t be a dick, you know guys fuck,” Chris said.
“Do you want to hear about my sex life?”
“Fuck, no,” Chris looked aghast.
“Exactly, it’s not the ass fucking, it’s you doing the ass fucking.”
Chris couldn’t help it; he cracked up. Brendan laughed along with him, looking relieved.
“Well, I still think you should ditch him if he’s just randomly ghosting you for no reason,” Brendan said after they’d settled down. It sounded awkward, but well, the whole conversation was awkward; and stupid if that was the advice he was getting.
