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‘Me too, but I don’t know how to say what I need to.’ His next words caught and he cleared his throat. ‘There’s things you need to know about before you make promises of forever to me.’
‘What in the hell are you saying, Connor?’ She fought to hold back tears.
He dragged in a deep breath. ‘I don’t think you’re going to want me, once you know the truth.’
Nausea swirled in her stomach. This couldn’t be happening. Not after they’d just made beautiful, sweet, profound love. ‘What aren’t you telling me, Connor?’
He sucked in a sharp breath. ‘Things that you’re not going to like, one little bit.’
For a moment she was speechless, but then she gathered her frayed nerves and put what she did know into perspective – she loved him, he loved her, they could get through anything, surely? ‘Right, well, now’s your chance to come clean, or clear the air, or whatever it is you need to do, so we can hopefully move past this.’
Connor’s lips pressed together, and closing his eyes, he slowly shook his head.
She felt exposed, and at the mercy of him, and she hated how vulnerable that made her feel. ‘Well, come on then, please don’t leave me hanging here like this.’ She held her breath as she waited for his reply.
He wrung his hands together. ‘I’m not so sure if I can be the man to give you what you want.’
‘My god, that’s not telling me a thing, Connor,’ she huffed. ‘We can’t be together if you’re keeping things from me, because that makes you a liar in my opinion, and liars are the lowest of the low, so please, talk to me.’ Her tone was a mixture of frustration and anguish.
A mixture of emotions swept over his face – her scorn, fuelled by hurt, had reached her target. And she instantly regretted being so cranky. She went to speak again to somehow soothe him but stopped herself. Maybe, if she gave him a moment to catch his breath, he might then fill that silence and open up to her. Biting her trembling bottom lip, she tucked her shaky hands beneath her legs. And not long after, just as she’d hoped, her silence urged him on.
‘Okay, here goes.’ He heaved a weighty breath. ‘There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just go ahead and say it straight.’ His gaze was filled with anguish. ‘I can’t have children, Sammie.’
Shock slapped her. ‘What do you mean?’
His Adam’s apple bobbed as he took his time replying. ‘I’m infertile.’
Thunder struck her heart, hard and brutal, and her stomach twisted into tighter knots. ‘But, how?’
‘I found out I had testicular cancer, and had to have both removed last month.’ He dropped his head into his hands. ‘I’m so sorry I never told you before now.’
Concerned for him, heartbroken for him, she squeezed past the sting of what felt like betrayal. ‘But you’re okay now, right?’
‘I am, yes.’ He sniffed, blinking faster.
‘I’m so sorry that you’ve gone through something so terribly scary.’ She took a moment to gather her thoughts – all she cared about right now was that he was going to live. And then a thought struck her, giving her hope. ‘Don’t they offer for you to freeze your sperm when you go through something like this?’
He nodded, inhaling sharply. ‘They did, and I agreed to it at first, but I had a moment of recklessness … maybe spurred on by my rage at losing what made me a man, or at least that’s what I thought at the time. So I went and signed forms to destroy my samples.’ His voice broke and he roughly ran a hand through his hair. ‘I was stupid, making a decision in anger, but there’s nothing I can do about it now.’
Totally blindsided, Samantha had no idea how she felt about all this. ‘I’m relieved to know you’re going to be okay.’
‘Thanks.’ He paused. ‘Does this change how you feel about me?’
‘Honestly, I think I need a little time to let it settle.’ She felt awful. ‘Sorry, Connor, but I have to be honest with you.’
‘I understand.’ He gave her hand a squeeze. ‘There are other ways to have kids, you know.’
‘Yes, there are, but until now, I’ve never really thought about things like that. I’ve always just imagined having children with my husband, you know, the natural way.’
His expression was painfully sad. ‘I get it, it’s a lot to take in.’
She remained silent but offered him a sad smile in return. ‘It doesn’t change the fact that I love you, deeply, just so you know.’
‘I admire you taking it like you have, Sammie, your kind heart is one of the many reasons I love you so much.’ He paused, holding her gaze as he sucked in a shuddering breath. ‘But that’s not the only thing I need to talk with you about.’
‘Oh my goodness, Connor, there’s more?’ Her quick reply was instinctive.
‘Yes.’ His forehead puckered, and for a few short moments, he closed his eyes. And when he unlocked the windows to his soul, and looked her way, there were tears building. ‘I’m the reason your parents were on the road that night.’
