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I set my phone on the charger and strip off my clothes, making my way to the shower and turning the shower on as hot as it will go.
I collapse onto the shower floor, letting the water run over me as I cry. How could I have been so stupid? I promised myself that I would never let this happen again. I can’t believe I thought that he was different. They never are. They’re all the same.
I watch the water swirl around the drain as the steam rises, wrapping itself around me like a comforting cocoon as I plan my escape. I don’t know how long I sit there before I come back to my surroundings. I don’t know what to do with myself.
Where do I go from here? I obviously can’t stay. I’ll have to move. I start to do mental math. I’ve saved a lot these past few months...the only bills I’ve had to pay have been gas, car insurance, and student loans. I should have enough. At least enough for a security deposit and first month’s rent. I can figure the rest out when I’ve moved far, far away from here. Somewhere where the memories of Sean don’t haunt every corner.
And Violet...I can’t even think about losing Violet right now. If I open that wound, it will never heal.
After the shower, I dry off and get dressed in sweats, careful to avoid looking at the clothes of his that I’ve inherited over the time that I have lived here. I can’t handle those thoughts now, and I do my best to tuck them away.
Packing seems like a daunting task, but I know that I can’t afford to linger here. There’s only so much my heart can take. And every moment since our conversation has felt like a reminder of the love that’s slipped through my fingers.
I grab a box I didn’t break down from the closet and start throwing in clothes, not caring if they’re neatly folded or if they’ll wrinkle.
I glance around the room, the walls pushing in around me as I think of the moments we’ve shared.
I can’t let myself go there. I run a hand through my wet hair. I can never go there again. It’s best for both of us. Until I can move out, we’ll just have to pretend that none of this ever happened. And after I move out, I’ll pretend like he never existed.
CHAPTER 35
SEAN
Ishould never have gotten close to her. What was I thinking? I hate myself for it. I hate myself every time I look into her eyes and see the pain that I’ve caused. I’m her monster. And I can’t stand to see it reflected on her face.
The weight of guilt presses on my chest as I confront the reality of what I must do. Violet, sweet and innocent, has formed a bond with Astrid. It is a connection that transcends the nanny relationship, and I dread the moment when I have to break the news to her. My heart tightens at the thought of causing Violet any distress, but the truth must be told.
As I approach Violet's room, the hushed tones of her laughter and Astrid's gentle voice filter through the door. It’s a scene that has become a daily comfort, a reminder of the warmth Astrid brought into our lives. The irony isn't lost on me as I prepare to shatter that sense of security.
The door creaks open, and Astrid looks up, her eyes mirroring the sadness I feel. Violet, engrossed in a picture book, looks up with a bright smile. Her eyes light up at the sight of me.
"Hey, Daddy!" she exclaims, her enthusiasm infectious.
I force a smile, my heart heavy with the impending conversation. "Hey, Violet. Can we talk for a moment?"
Astrid, sensing the gravity of the situation, closes the book and exchanges a concerned glance with me. Violet, ever perceptive, picks up on the tension in the air.
"Sure, Dad. What's up?" she asks, her innocence amplifying the weight of my decision.
I sit down on the edge of her bed, Astrid taking a seat beside us as she exhales. The tension is clear on her face.
The room feels smaller, suffused with an atmosphere that's both heavy and fragile. I take a deep breath, grappling with the words I'm about to say.
"Violet," I begin, my voice steady but filled with regret. "Astrid is going to be leaving for a little while. She has some things she needs to take care of."
Violet's brows furrow, her eyes searching mine for an explanation. "Leaving? But why? Astrid is our friend."
The simplicity of her statement tugs at my heart. I glance at Astrid, who wears a pained expression, her hand reaching out to reassure Violet.
"Astrid is our friend, sweetie," I say, my voice softer. "And sometimes friends have to go away for a bit. But we'll see her again, okay?"
Violet's eyes well up with tears, and the pang of guilt intensifies. "But I don't want her to go. She's nice, and we have fun together."
God, none of this is right.
Astrid places a comforting hand on Violet's shoulder, her eyes reflecting the shared sorrow. "I don't want to go either, Violet. But sometimes grown-ups have to do things that are hard. I promise, I'll miss you every day."
Violet's lower lip trembles as she processes the information. "When will you come back?"
