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Astrid glances at me, and I find it hard to meet her gaze. "I'm not sure exactly when, sweetheart. But I'll come back as soon as I can."
The room is filled with a heavy silence, broken only by Violet's soft sniffles. I wish I could undo the pain I've caused, but I know this decision is irreversible.
"I want to say goodbye properly," Astrid says, her voice choked with emotion. "Can we have a special day together before I go?"
Violet's tearful eyes light up at the suggestion. "Yeah! A special day with Astrid!"
Astrid smiles through her sadness, her resilience shining through. "We can do whatever you want, Violet. Ice cream, your favorite games, anything."
Violet's tears transform into a hesitant smile. "Okay. But you have to promise to come back soon, Astrid."
Astrid hugs her tightly, a silent promise passing between them. "I promise, Violet. I'll be back before you know it."
As Astrid and Violet share a tender moment, I watch, the ache in my chest a constant reminder of the consequences of my actions. The white lie that Astrid will return is to protect Violet, in hopes that as time passes, she’ll forget how much Astrid means to her. The thought sits like a boulder in my chest.
The special day ahead will be bittersweet, a poignant farewell to a chapter that brought joy and heartache in equal measure.
CHAPTER 36
ASTRID
Isit on the edge of my bed, my knees drawn into my chest, as I let the tears out. It’s my new post-work ritual. I shudder as the sadness overwhelms me. It’s been days since Sean and I had that conversation, and I can’t seem to escape my feelings, no matter how hard I try.
My eyes are hot and uncomfortable, and my lungs hurt in my chest as my breathing turns ragged and tears start to slip over my lips and onto my knees.
I watch the tears pool there, my heart breaking more with every drop. It’s like I can feel the pieces fracture. Piece by piece by piece.
The tears become an unstoppable cascade. The pain turns numb. I stare at the wall in front of me, not seeing. Not thinking. Lost within myself and so desperate to escape.
I don’t know how long I stay like that. The heavy weight makes it feel like an endless void of forever.
But I can’t linger here forever; I know that. It is a survival instinct that kicks in, not lessening pain. Life demands movement, even in the face of heartache.
With a deep breath, I force my shaking legs to stand. I begin to pack more of my stuff, gathering the small pieces of my life that aren’t tethered to Sean. I have enough saved for a deposit on an apartment. Even if the monthly payments are high, I can go back to bartending at night as a way to supplement my bills so that I can stop nannying and go without ever having to see Sean again.
The last thing I want to do is go through all of this only to have to see him at team functions again. No. I’d much rather pretend he doesn’t exist. And he should do the same.
I was smart enough to put a clause in the contract to protect myself from this very situation. He’ll have to let me live here for the remaining months or pay me out. But after everything, I’d rather just never talk to him again.
Either way, it will be a transaction devoid of emotion. I’ll find a way to take care of myself. I always do.
That’s the settling thought I cling to, it becomes a mantra in my mind, propelling me forward, preventing me from sitting too long in the pain.
I research. I get out a pen and paper because writing it down makes me feel like I’m getting something done. I make a list of ten places, figuring that’s a good enough start.
I call around to a few apartment places. Now that I have some savings, my options are a lot better. The first few places don’t have any apartments open until next month. I put my name down just in case but keep calling. The fourth place has an immediate opening. I circle the name of the apartment complex three times in big, excited circles.
And it is a place that I can afford. Well, for now. But I’ll figure out the rest.
I always do.
I’ll always find a way to take care of myself, I say again and again until I start to believe it myself.
The initial steps toward independence feel daunting. I don’t know why. I’ve done this before. I’ve lived on my own for most of my life. But I’ve gotten used to living with Sean. And it started to feel safe.
I shake my head. There’s no use dwelling on it. And with each phone call and every detail jotted down, I gain a sense of control. The repetition of I always find a way to take care of myself becomes a source of strength, a declaration that empowers me in the face the unknown. I won’t fail. No matter what. Sure, the pain of his betrayal, the heartbreak, that won’t go away as fast, but I’m resilient.
The same resilience I’ve had all my life remains an unyielding force that propels me toward a future where I will carve my own path, independent and self-reliant.
