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“I’m happy too.” I kiss her head, and she leans into my side.
CHAPTER 33
SEAN
Ipace around the kitchen, waiting for Astrid to wake up and tell her what I've decided. I want to get this over with. Every step feels heavy, each moment of waiting amplifying the anxiety that churns in my stomach. A gnawing anticipation urges me to face the one thing I’ve been desperate to put off.
Finally, Astrid emerges, her warm smile wrapping around my heart.
“Hi,” she says, greeting me as if I’m her favorite person in the world. Her smile is genuine, radiant. The sight of it twists inside my gut like a blade.
I’d rather break my own rib cage open than break her heart. But I need to do what’s best for her in the long-term, not what’s best for me right now.
“Astrid,” I say, “Why don’t you have a seat.” It’s not lost on me that the last time I told her this I was handing her a giant bouquet and sweeping her off her feet for a romantic day.
I try to swallow and clear my throat, but the lump of regret gets stuck. The air in the room is heavy, charged by the impending change in our relationship. I take a deep breath, knowing what I’m about to do, and wishing more than anything that I could stop it.
“What’s wrong?” she asks, her brows furrow with concern. And fear.
I hate myself for what I’m about to do. “Astrid. This isn’t working out. I’m going to help you find a new family.”
The color drains from her face.
“Don’t worry. You can stay here until we find you a place. You don’t have to watch Violet. I’ll take care of that so that we can transition with the new nanny.”
“New nanny...” Her voice cracks. A mixture of hurt and disbelief pull down the smile that I no longer deserve to see. “You’re replacing me?”
“No—”
“Yes, yes you are.” She stands, pushing back the stool. “Is this because of what Violet said yesterday, Sean? Because I never encouraged her to— to—” She shakes her head. “I know I’m not her parent, okay? I understand that I just work here.”
I tamp down every emotion that statement ignites in me. “It’s too late, Astrid. It’s done. And I’m sorry I crossed the line, that’s on me.” I place my hand over my heart, a futile attempt at easing the pain that I feel. “I’m sorry, Astrid. This is my fault. And I don’t know how to make it up to you yet, but for right now, I think it is important for us to... to separate the close relationship we’ve built. I’ll help you find a new family to work with, you don’t have to worry about that. And it doesn’t mean I’m kicking you out. I’ll help you find a place to live.”
“Because it’s in the contract or because you care?” Her gaze pierces through me.
“Why can’t it be both, Astrid? I’m not doing this to hurt you.”
“You’re doing it to hurt yourself. And I think that’s worse.” There’s anger rumbling beneath the hurt in her voice.
I welcome that anger. Her rage is what I deserve.
“Astrid, I’m sorry,” I try to say, but I know that my words won’t be enough.
She shakes her head, looking at me one last time, before she leaves the room.
CHAPTER 34
ASTRID
The bottom has fallen out of my life. I can’t breathe. I can’t see. Everything is Sean and everything is breaking apart. I steady my breathing in hopes to prevent a panic attack.
Where did I go wrong?
I try and wrap my arms around myself, as if I can stop the pieces of me from falling apart.
It’s almost as painful as watching him on the ice. I squeeze my eyes shut. I can still see the blood on the ice. I was so relieved when I heard that he was going to be okay, only to have my world come crashing down once more.
I hurry down the hall and lock the door behind me so that he can’t follow me. Not that he’ll want to, I think to myself. He doesn’t even like me. He made that abundantly clear.
