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ASTRID
Sean won’t be home until later today, but I still feel a pang of disappointment as I walk up my stairs to an empty kitchen. I hate the way we left things, because now that I’ve learned about his dating history, the only thing I want to do is ask him what’s going on, and what this all means.
But I can’t. He left for the game stressed out. And I refuse to be the thing that stresses him out more.
The house is too quiet with him and Violet. I sigh, wishing that she wasn’t gone, and that he was still here. I’ve gotten so used to his presence that I don’t even want to go run alone now. I rub the headphone bud between my two fingers, considering what I should do. I love my music. But Sean’s right, it is kind of dangerous to run and not hear the world around me. It is also hard to run when the only sound I can hear is my strangled gasps for air.
It's not exactly encouraging.
So I choose the headphones today but shorten the run as a compromise.
The first burst of cold wind against my face is reason enough to turn around and slip back in bed. I pull the zipper on my running jacket higher. There is a list of things I should’ve done better to prepare for this moment. Gloves for starters. Maybe another layer of pants.
The first couple of days of fall to winter are miserable. I’m a pretty happy person. Unless I’m cold. I shiver. This whole running thing was starting to grow on me. It had become a habit, a ritual. And it was actually pretty fun. I was even getting better.
But all of that was with Sean.
Now it’s not enough. It’s hard to push myself without him. It is hard to want to push myself when I’m too busy wondering if he’s seeing someone else too. It’s not as fun to be running away from something instead of towards it. I slow to a walk, cutting my run short.
It’s better to call it instead of pushing myself. The last thing I need is get hurt out here all alone.
I fold my arms against my chest, trying to convince myself that everything is alright. But it’s not working. I jog a little to get closer to the house faster, relieved when I step inside and warm up.
I stay longer in the hot shower, enjoying the way the water stings against my wind-raw skin. I linger, not caring if that makes me late. For the first time since the school year started, I’m not looking forward to work. I don’t multitask well when my emotions are frayed. And today my emotions are completely unraveled.
Things don’t improve once I’m at school. Every time I attempt to focus on a lesson or a lecture, I find myself wondering what he’s doing and who he’s with. The thoughts become physical. My heart races. My throat tightens.
This is ridiculous.
He’s not supposed to mean so much so quickly. Sure, we had a nice date. And he’s a really nice guy. But that’s it. That’s all that’s happened between us. I shouldn’t have got my hopes up or let my daydreams slip away from reality. Nice, casual dates do not mean anything other than that. I can’t expect that to also mean exclusivity.
The truth doesn’t make me feel better. This is probably something I should’ve thought about before sleeping with the man I live with and work for.
The school day goes by slower than usual, and I find myself checking my phone, staring at his messages, but never able to respond. What is wrong with me? But I can’t bring myself to type the messages I want to send. My fingers always hesitating at the last moment, deleting what I’m not brave enough to send.
The afternoon sun casts long shadows across the pavement of the school parking lot. The air is more crisp than it was this morning. The fallen leaves crunch beneath my feet as I hurry to my car.
I don’t have much time in between the end of my day and Violet’s parent-teacher conference. Just enough time to make sure Heather is still watching the kids at my place tonight. Sean’s place.
I knew today was going to suck when I woke up. I could just feel it. I should’ve gone right back to bed. Called off sick. But Sean felt terrible about missing Violet’s parent-teacher conference, and I did volunteer so…
I get to the school a few minutes late, which frazzles me even more. My footsteps echo through the hallway as I hurry. Luckily, I’m familiar enough with the school that I find her classroom quickly. I smooth my hair and take a deep breath before walking inside.
“Mrs. Wilfred,” I say in greeting, slightly out of breath.
“Hello,” she smiles, extending her hand for me to shake.
I’m not sure what she does or doesn’t know about Violet, so I don’t offer any additional details about who I am or why I’m here in place of Sean.
“Take a seat.” She gestures to the chairs. “Violet is doing well in school,” she says, starting our conversation off in a way that puts me on edge.
I can feel the but coming on.
“But she is struggling to socialize with the other kids. Is that a problem you’ve noticed at home?”
“She goes through phases, some days wanting to talk and tell us everything, and then other days she’ll pretty stay quiet,” I respond honestly. It hasn’t been a warning sign to me, since she’s so much like Sean, but I’m by no means a childhood learning expert. “Is that normal?”
“It is.” The teacher pauses. “I wouldn’t worry about anything right now. Just keep an eye on her development at home and let me know if anything changes.”
