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“First, I want to thank you all for being here tonight. And I know that you’re hungry.” He gives the players nearby a look. “So I’ll keep this short. It takes a community to support a hockey team. You are our community. So let’s celebrate.” He places the microphone on the stand and walks away as the guys rush over to get in line.
This is my chance. Sean and I drove separately since he had the scrimmage first. All I need to do is create an excuse and disappear before he gets suspicious.
And somehow avoid him while we live in the same house.
It’s a perfect plan.
“Hey, Violet,” I call to her as she and Jake run around playing some game they must’ve made up with the other kids. “Do you want to go home and watch a movie? I’ll make you popcorn tonight.”
She grins.
I’ve learned that popcorn is Violet’s favorite snack. I should feel slightly guilty, pulling her away while she’s having fun, but the urge to escape this place overrides that. I need to get out. And I need to make it happen now.
I see Sean with another guy, half paying attention to what he’s saying and half watching me from the edge of the room. Perfect. If there is someone else distracting him, he’ll question me less.
“We’re going to go,” I say, walking over to him. “Violet is tired.” I hold Violet’s hand as evidence.
Violet, to her credit, doesn’t say anything. She looks bored, which for a kid, is close enough to tired to get away with my lie. I assume she’s playing along so her dad doesn’t suspect she’s having popcorn for dinner.
“Okay, sweetie, I’ll see you at home,” he says, bending at the knees to give her a hug before looking at me. “I’ll see you too?” It comes out as a question. I don’t know what he can see on my face, but I know that he sees something.
“I might be asleep by then. I’m kind of tired.” Another lie. I need to leave quickly before the truth accidentally comes out.
He looks disappointed. “You okay?” His focus is sharp, and I struggle to not recoil immediately.
I don’t want him to see through me. Not here. Not now.
“Yeah, yeah.” I sigh. “It’s just a long day… for her of course.” I try to shield my face from his view with my hair. The less he can see the better.
Sean nods his head, but doesn’t say anything else, accepting my excuse.
“But you stay. It is your team, you should have a good time.” I give him a tight smile and walk away without looking back. I don’t want to stay and risk more questions.
For that reason, I can’t relax until the elevator doors open and Violet and I are able to head towards the doors. Even then, it takes stepping outside for the relief to wash over me.
Violet doesn’t question any of it. For the first time, I really appreciate Violet’s silence. It gives me time to process what’s just happened.
I told myself not to fall for him. Tears prick my eyes, but I refuse to cry over a man I barely know. This is ridiculous. I shouldn’t care this much over a man I’ve kissed twice.
I feel my phone vibrate as I drive but I don’t dare check it. There is no good outcome here. I shouldn’t text and drive. I shouldn’t be looking forward to Sean’s name on my screen. And I definitely shouldn’t get sad if it’s not his name.
So I keep it locked away in my back pocket as I exit the highway. Every move Sean makes from this point forward will serve as judgement for his feelings and I’m afraid that I’m going to come to one conclusion: he regrets me. Or if he doesn’t now, he will.
I can’t live like this. I refuse to be constantly looking for ways in which I’m not good enough for him. God. What was I thinking?
That’s the problem. I wasn’t.
I turn left into our neighborhood, rubbing my thumb over the steering wheel.
Maybe after tonight, after some sleep, this’ll all blow over. If this is who he is, if I’m one of many, then it won’t be awkward for him. My presence won’t affect him at all. So all I need to do is get it together, and I can pretend like nothing ever happened.
One of many. I wish I could cut the thoughts from my mind.
I don’t blame those women. They’re right. I don’t mean anything. How could I? We’re strangers. And I’m convenient. I’ll be forgotten.
There is a knot in my throat that I swallow down. But it grows in my stomach, making me feel sick. I need to get home.
I think the going to bed early part might not be a lie after all.
