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I wonder if where I’ve been is obvious to everyone else, from what I look like. I brush through my hair as I walk through the crowd. To my surprise, no one seems to notice me. Not more than usual at least. I guess there is no neon sign above my head that narrates what I’ve done. I kissed Sean. My face heats at the memory of what just happened. I really kissed him.
“Oh,” I say, startled when I almost walk into someone. “Excuse me.”
I can’t make out who it is. There is just a flurry of long hair as I stumble back. Whoever it is doesn’t stick around for me to apologize, she just rolls her eyes and walks away.
I shake my head. I got so caught up in the fantasy in my mind I forgot where I was going. I look around the room, trying to find Violet or Jake, and spot them with Connor and Tanner on the other side of the room.
I turn towards them, coming to an abrupt halt when I hear my name.
“That’s Astrid,” a high-pitched voice says.
I look around, realizing a moment too late that it is not a kind observation. It’s the woman I almost ran over. She looks me up and down with clear dislike.
Great. I’ve managed to make enemies already.
I pretend to be interested in what the nearby waiter is serving for appetizers as I try to listen in.
I can’t quite make out what the second woman says, and I don’t want to make myself too obvious. I pop the offered cheese into my mouth but skip on the champagne, knowing that I have to drive Violet home tonight.
That’s when I overhear one of them say, “she’s just the nanny.”
Just the nanny. My stomach drops. The euphoria I once felt crashes through me, its warmth replaced by thick nausea. Fuck. My head spins as I contemplate what they’re saying.
“You know how players are.” The words of their conversation follow me even as I try to escape. I don’t bother turning around to see which woman said it. The fact that it’s even a topic of conversation is mortifying enough.
The most embarrassing part is, I don’t actually know how hockey players are. I don’t really know anything about the sport. Sure, Sean is a man in the spotlight, I could fill in the blanks. He’s handsome, successful, well off financially. That’s enough to win anyone over. He can have whoever he wants.
I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand and fight back tears as I hurry towards Connor. Just the nanny. I can’t shake her words from my head. She said them with such disdain too.
How can someone who doesn’t know me dislike me so much? Is it jealousy? They don’t think I’m good enough to matter to him. I’m just one of the many that he’ll forget. And then they’ll get their chance?
Dammit. I let my desire get the best of me. I don’t know why I thought this would be a good idea. I twist a strand of hair between my fingers. It was just a kiss. Okay, two kisses. But that doesn’t mean it meant something to him.
Even though it meant a whole lot to me.
God, I’m so naïve. Of course, I’m not special, Jesus. He’s a professional athlete, traveling across the country half the year. I’m a teacher who’s most exciting part of the day is a little jog around the neighborhood. We are in two very, very different worlds. I should have known better, but I went and got a crush on him anyway.
“This good, right?” Connor looks down at the food still clutched in my hand.
“So good,” I say, surprised that my voice doesn’t shake.
I keep myself occupied as I let their conversation wash over me, giving, “uh huh,” and “wow,” every few pauses to feign interest. I don’t want to draw attention to myself by being cold or standoffish. But I also don’t want to appear overly interested and inadvertently get drawn into something lighthearted that I can’t stand to talk about. It’s not that I’m not interested. It’s just… I can’t really think right now. The only words that would come out of my mouth would be embarrassing truths I’m not ready to share.
I look around the room, scanning for my exit, my gaze catching on those women again who laugh openly in my direction.
I wave a hand near my face. It is too hot. I pull at the thick fabric of the jersey. I need to sit down somewhere. Or go outside. It’s starting to feel as if the room is closing in around me.
I consider going to the bathroom to escape again, but I’m unsure if I want to risk running in to Sean again.
Sean. The reoccurring thought that makes everything worse.
I know that this moment is hard, but I have to get it together. Even if I don’t mean anything to him, I can’t lose this job. I need to be professional. And there is very little professionalism in making out with your boss at a party.
Oh how fun it is to go from sky high to rock bottom in such a short time.
Maybe tomorrow I can get it together. But right now, the hurt is just too raw to hide. I need to find a way to avoid him until I’ve processed this.
The man who I assume is the coach walks over to a microphone set up near the center of the room. It doesn’t take much to command this crowd’s attention. The moment he walks over, everyone quiets.
