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Tara’s still sitting at the table with the other women. She looks up as I make my way over and stop right next to her.
“Need to talk to you about somethin’ for a minute,” I tell her, looking at the top of her head because I can’t look into those deep, dark blue eyes of hers without lifting her in my arms and claiming her for everyone in the common room to see.
Tara gets out of her seat and she follows me to my room here at the clubhouse. Yeah, I could’ve come here last night instead of going to Tara’s trailer. If I were here though, I wouldn’t have been close to her like I felt sitting in the dark at her place surrounded by what’s left of her things there.
Letting Tara in my room, I flip on the light before following her and kicking the door closed behind me. She looks around my room since it’s the first time she’s ever been in here. There’s not much here. Nothing personal and only some clothes left behind. Everything else I own is either still packed up in storage or at the house already. She doesn’t make a comment as she pulls out the chair sitting at my desk and takes a seat. Tara’s making it impossible for me to get close to her and I don’t blame her for doing that. It’s what I’d do if I were her and hurting the way she is because of me.
“What’s going on, Hawkeye?” she asks, not using Brax like she used to.
“I couldn’t sleep last night knowin’ you were under the same roof and I couldn’t go to you. Even if it was just to hold you in my arms. I know I never gave that shit to you before, but it’s all I fuckin’ wanted last night. Instead of stayin’ at the house and doin’ somethin’ to upset or hurt you, I went for a ride. You know I got a key to your trailer. I went there and let myself in. When I pulled up, there was a biker sittin’ back at the end of the driveway where no one would see him. You know where the trees are at the back? That’s where he was. I went in as if everythin’ was normal and it didn’t take him long to leave the trailer park. That tells me he was there for you and only you,” I tell Tara, watching her visibly pale in front of my eyes.
Everything deep inside is telling me to go to her. To hold her in my arms and keep her safe and protected. I have to grab onto the blankets of my bed and hold tight so I don’t follow my instincts. Tara keeps her eyes locked on me and for the first time, I look straight into them. It’s a fucking mistake. I always feel as if her big eyes can see straight into my soul and dig up my deepest, darkest secrets. I can’t pull away from her stare as she processes the words I’ve just told her.
“What do I need to do?” she asks, her voice quiet and soft as tears fill her eyes.
“You need to keep to your normal routine, Tara. We’re gonna have men on you. Venom is gonna let everyone know later today that no ol’ lady is allowed off the compound unless it’s absolutely necessary. Then, they’ll have men with them at all times. We’re not gonna take any chances with the safety of anyone here,” I tell her, not really thinking about what I’m saying.
“I see. I’m allowed off the compound because I’m not an ol’ lady. My safety isn’t as important as theirs. It makes sense,” she says, hurt filling her voice and face as she lets the tears spill over her lashes and roll down her face.
“No! Tara that’s not it at all. You get to leave the compound because Venom knows how close you are to openin’ up your shop and that it’s what you want most in the world. It’s your fuckin’ dream and he wants it to happen for you. You’re gonna have so many fuckin’ men on you when you’re away from the compound that you won’t be able to breathe without one of them on your ass. For now, he doesn’t know you’re fuckin’ pregnant with Paige and Ricochet’s baby. He wouldn’t be lettin’ you off the compound if he knew, sweets. Shit! I’m sorry,” I tell her, slipping out the nickname I’ve called her for so long.
“It’s okay. I get it, Hawkeye. There’s nothing wrong with you all protecting those you love. It’s one of the reasons I like being around you guys so much. I don’t fall into that category and I never will,” she says, looking at me.
“That’s not necessarily true. If we keep seein’ the guy around your trailer, at the shop, or anywhere else close to you, Venom’s gonna put it at the table for someone to claim you. Either someone from here or one of the other chapters. He’d let the final decision be up to you, but it’s the only way we’d be able to give you full protection like the rest of the ol’ ladies. That’s just how the club works, Tara. I’m sorry to have to tell you this shit. For now, I’ll be goin’ to the trailer every night to see if I can catch the fucker again. I’ll stay there for a few hours or longer before comin’ back here. If I keep seein’ him, we’ll bring this to the table and go from there. Venom is gonna tell the ol’ ladies somethin’ generic because most everyone already knows Lucifer and that skank are on the run and hidin’ out. He’ll blame that shit for everythin’ and not say anythin’ about a biker bein’ parked outside your trailer,” I tell Tara, standing up and pacing the room.
“You’re gonna let some other guy claim me, Hawkeye? I know what that shit means. You won’t ever have another chance with me again. If that’s even what you want. I know bein’ an ol’ lady is for life and I need to know you’re okay with me choosin’ someone that’s willin’ to step up and have me as theirs instead of you ever gettin’ close again. There won’t ever be a second that I’m alone with you like this, that we can talk about shit, or you can give me any level of comfort,” Tara says, giving me one last chance to pull my head from my ass and make a move in the right direction.
“I know what it means, Tara. I can’t tell you right now what I’ll do. Just know you need to keep this shit to yourself for now. Don’t tell anyone what I’ve told you in here just now. Not a single fuckin’ word. We’ll let everyone know when Venom makes a decision to do so and not before. I just wanted to be the one to tell you what’s goin’ on. I don’t wanna keep you where you don’t wanna be any longer than necessary,” I tell her, looking away from her as she stands from the chair and leaves the room.
Tara stops just in the doorway of my room.
“It’s not that I don’t wanna be with you, Hawkeye. You’re the one who doesn’t wanna be with me. I’d stay with you for as long as you want me around. I’m not gonna force you to make a decision you don’t want or to do somethin’ that you can’t handle. So, yeah, I’ll let one of the other guys claim me. I’ll start gettin’ to know them since I’ll be spendin’ plenty of time with them while I’m away from the compound,” she says, her voice barely heard from where she stands.
My head snaps up and I watch as she leaves the room and closes the door softly behind her. I drop down onto my bed and hang my head. Pain fills me as my heart fucking shatters in my chest. Tara is willing to let another man fucking claim her as his. It might start out as something she’s doing for protection. However, I’ve gotten to know my sweets good enough in the time we’ve been spending together. She’ll fall for the man she chooses and I’ll have lost her for good. I’ve got no one to blame but myself for it either. I’m the one keeping us apart because I’m stupid as hell and won’t admit to myself what I fucking want. That makes me a fucking coward.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Tara
WAKING UP, I want to just take a few minutes to lay in bed and not think about anything or do anything but lay here as if my entire world hasn’t imploded. I’m pregnant, I can’t leave the compound without a ton of guys on me, and the one man I want by my side refuses to let me in. I’ve been told that if the biker that was at the trailer park is seen again, then I’ll have to be claimed by someone in the club. It hurt like hell to know that Hawkeye won’t claim me. However, I’m gonna do what I gotta do moving forward. The decisions I make will be the best for me and the safety of the baby I currently carry. Who knows? I might end up getting claimed by a guy who’s amazing and will be easy to be with. Part of my heart will always belong to Hawkeye, and there’s nothing I can do about that shit.
The last week since I found out about the biker has been the longest week of my life. I’ve spent every fucking day at the shop putting the final touches on everything. Tank, Kountry, Riggs, and Marco have been there every day with me. They’ve done all the heavy lifting thanks to Ricochet. We still aren’t telling anyone I’m pregnant, but he’s made it clear that I’m not to do anything to strain myself. Tank’s a smart guy and I’m sure he suspects something more is going on, but he hasn’t said anything to me.
I’d say in a few more days the shop will be ready to open. I’ve got the last of the equipment in and it’s been installed. The most I have to do now is get the coffee delivery in before I start making the candy and other delicious treats I plan on selling. All the molds and ingredients are here already. I’m ready to get to work but everything is put on hold until I get the last shipment of shit I need. It’s mainly the coffee as I said, but there’s a few last minute things I need to get in. One of those being the boxes and bags for customers to take their treats home in. There’s been a long delay on that shit and I’m not happy about it at all. The company is fucking me over and I’m over it. I’m about ready to find a new supplier and cancel the order I already have placed. It probably won’t take any longer to get the new stuff in because I’m sure I wouldn’t be experiencing the delays and shit like I am now.
Kountry and Riggs are both great men. Riggs usually works at the garage and spends his time either towing vehicles or fixing them. He’s shown me some of the bikes they’ve been building too. The men of this club are wildly fucking talented and the bikes they create are some of the best I’ve ever seen. Kountry is funny as hell and always doing something to make me laugh. He’s sweet and always going out of his way to make sure I have something to eat or drink when I’m hungry or thirsty. I could easily see myself with either man. And I haven’t just been spending time with them at the shop either. When I’m at the clubhouse I sit with them and we have the best time.
When I’m at the clubhouse, I have to keep myself from watching Hawkeye. He’s withdrawn and not talking to anyone. When he’s in the common room, he always sits alone and doesn’t let anyone sit with him. Not his brothers, his parents, or anyone else. My heart hurts for him because I know I’m part of the reason he’s being like this. The entire time I talk to Riggs and Kountry, I can feel his eyes burning into my back. He doesn’t miss anything going on between the three of us for any reason and I’d like to say I can just get up and walk away so I don’t hurt him, but I can’t. I’m not doing anything wrong and I don’t have a problem spending time with these two guys.
Before I can move a muscle to get out of bed and try to go find something for breakfast, my stomach lurches. I have to jump out of bed and rush to the bathroom across the hall from the room I’m staying in at Paige and Ricochet’s house. I barely manage to get the door shut and in front of the toilet before I’m losing the contents of my stomach. There’s really not much in there to lose to begin with, but I’m getting rid of shit I ate years ago at this point.
Tears fall down my face and my hair sticks to my neck and face as sweat covers my body. I hate getting sick and I know this is just the beginning of this shit for me. I’ll have morning sickness because of the pregnancy. My main fear is that I’ll end up being like some of those women who are sick from the time they open their eyes until they close them each night. That’s really gonna suck if it ends up being what happens with me. Being nauseous, I can deal with. It’s the actual getting sick that I can’t handle. But I have to suck it up and understand that I can’t do anything about it. If it gets too bad, I’ll talk to Doc and see if there’s anything I can do to help.
When I feel safe to move from the toilet, I wash my hands and brush my teeth before leaving the room. Ricochet is leaning against the wall just outside the bathroom.
“You good, Tara?” he asks me, concern filling his face as he looks me over.
“I’m okay. Morning sickness has officially started,” I respond, slight laughter filling my voice despite the fact that I just want to go back to bed and climb under my blankets to hide from the world.
