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Standing up, I kiss my sister on the top of her head. “I’m glad you made it here today, Zoey. Don’t leave without sayin’ goodbye. I love you and will see you in the mornin’.”
Leaving my sister in the common room of the clubhouse, I head for my room. I’ve left the door unlocked all day long and now I’m hoping none of the club girls made their way in there to wait for me. I don’t want any company tonight and they’re getting kind of petty when it comes to one of us turning them down. I know I should’ve locked my room, but I couldn’t be bothered with it. Opening my door, I find no one in my room or bed thankfully. Slamming the door shut behind me, I lock it before making my way to my bed.
I sit down on the side of the bed before looking up and around my room. When my eyes land on my nightstand, I find an envelope propped up with my name written across the front of it. Based on the handwriting alone, I know it’s from Paige. She’s got a flowing script when she writes. I pick the envelope up and open the flap to pull out a piece of paper. I’m not sure if I’m ready to see what she has to tell me, but I have to know what’s going on with her. If there’s a chance she’s told me her secret, I need to read her words to find out. So, I unfold the paper and take in her flowing script across the page.
Dear Chance,
I know I don’t have the right to call you Chance any longer. I’ve hurt you and made you feel as if I don’t care about you at all. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. Since the very first time I saw you, I knew you’d be the man to break down all of my walls and open my heart to a love I’ve never dreamed of receiving. However, there’s so much you don’t know about me. Secrets I’ve kept and a past that haunts me daily. I haven’t let myself work through my pain and trauma from the second I learned my fate. Instead, I pushed it deep down and put all of my focus on my sister and making sure she was happy, safe, and knew love. Everything I’ve ever done in my life has been for Lyric. Somewhere along the way, I lost my way and I don’t know if I can find a way back.
You’re an amazing man, Chance. You have so much love to give and I know there’s a woman out there who will love and cherish you the way you deserve. She’ll give you her entire heart and make you the center of her world. Together you’ll create a family of your own and make memories every day for the rest of your life. No matter how bad I want to be that woman for you, I can’t. I can’t give you what you truly want and it kills me to know I’ll never be the woman you settle down with. I’ll never be loved by you and shown daily what a great guy you are. Instead, I’ll be left on my own and forever be on the outside looking in.
I want to tell you my secret and why I can’t be with you more than anything, Chance. It’s a secret I’ve kept to myself for so long and I don’t know how to talk to anyone about it. Lyric knows and she’s kept my secret because of her love for me. A love that I’ve taken for granted and pushed away. I love my sister more than anyone else in this world and I can’t even be happy for the life she’s creating for herself. She’s found a kind, loving man who gives her the world. She’ll be a mom to three little ones in a matter of months and I can’t stand by and watch her have everything I want. I’ve always wanted to have a life built with the man I love at my side, a ton of kids running through the home we create, and to know I’ve got someone at my side. I want to shower all the love I have to give on my sister and the man of my dreams. Instead, I’m alone and it's time for me to remove the painful reminder from all of your lives.
Please, watch over Lyric for me. I know Kevlar won’t ever hurt her or let anyone get close enough to hurt her again. Just make sure that they’re both okay and are happy and don’t lose the love they’ve found together.
I will be leaving Cedar Bay. I’m not sure where I’m going yet, but I know I can no longer be in the same town where so many memories haunt me. I can’t watch on as everyone I care about falls in love and has the life I can’t have. Please know I truly do love you and I’m not sure if I’ll ever get over you. The happiest times I’ve had in the last year have all included you. With you I’ve never felt as sexy and loved as the time you spent with me. You’ve given me a glimpse of what true happiness could look like and I’ll be forever grateful for the times we shared. I love you, Chance.
Love Always,
Paige
I read her words over and over again. She didn’t tell me a damn thing other than she’s not willing to fight for us. Instead, she’s going to take the coward's way out and leave everyone behind because she doesn’t know how to work through something major going on in her life. If she’d only let me in and talk to me about everything, I’d be there to help her work through everything that she’s going through. I’d slay the demons haunting her and make sure nothing horrible ever touched her again. Instead, Paige has chosen to keep us all locked out and I don’t see that ever changing when it comes to her. Hell, she’s telling me to find someone I can be happy with and spend the rest of my life with that woman. That’s not the words of a woman planning on ever coming back and letting me in.
Leaving my room, I need to get to Kevlar. He needs to know that Paige has left Cedar Bay and figure out how to let Lyric know. I don’t want her to hear about this shit from someone on the street or anyone else. Racing back outside, I find Kevlar talking to our dad and Hawkeye. Rushing to their side, I have the letter still in my hand as I almost crash into my dad. They all turn to stare at me.
“We need to talk and it has to be somewhere Lyric won’t overhear us,” I say, keeping my voice low as I look around the backyard of the compound.
“What’s goin’ on, Ricochet?” Kevlar asks me as my dad steps up to my side.
“We need to go inside and talk where no one can hear us. I’ve got somethin’ you need to know so you can make a decision when it comes to tellin’ your wife, Shawn,” I plead with him, knowing this will get his ass in gear.
The four of us head inside and go into church. We know no one will hear us when we’re in there. Plus we can lock everyone else out so no one interrupts us. As soon as our dad locks the door, I hand over the piece of paper Paige left me.
“What’s goin’ on?” Kevlar says, taking it and lowering his eyes to read the words.
“Paige left. She’s not sure if she’ll ever come back to Cedar Bay. I still don’t know what the fuck secret she’s keepin’, but she essentially told me to find a woman I can be happy with and to spend my life lovin’ her. Paige would rather run than fight for us. So, I’m done. I can’t wait the rest of my life for her to figure out if I’m good enough to be at her side and to love her. I do love her and want to be with her, but I can’t be the only one fightin’ for us. Now, you need to figure out how to tell Lyric that her sister has fuckin’ left. She’s left us all behind and maybe that’s for the best considerin’ how bad she fucked up with Lyric,” I tell them as my eyes stay locked on my brother who’s reading the letter meant for me.
“Lyric already knows. Paige gave a letter to Tara before she left town. I’m not sure what it said yet, but I know my wife’s already read it. She cried like crazy and I’m ready to find Paige and chew her a new ass. She’s hurt Lyric for the last fuckin’ time and I hope she stays the fuck away from Cedar Bay. The woman needs to grow the fuck up and see that she has so many fuckin’ people who are willin’ to help her, love her, and be there for her without wantin’ anythin’ in return. I can’t even stand to look in her direction right now without hatin’ her. I don’t want to hate her, but I’ll always choose Lyric over everyone else,” Kevlar says, his voice hard and cold as he hands the letter back.
“I just wanted to make sure Lyric didn’t hear this shit from some random person. I didn’t know she got her own letter. I’m sorry I didn’t see this sooner so I could’ve warned you and protected Lyric from cryin’ on her weddin’ day. I’m sorry, Shawn,” I tell my brother as guilt fills me.
“This isn’t on you, Chance. You’re just as hurt as my wife is and there’s only one person to blame for that shit. Paige has hurt you both and she’s the only one who needs to fuckin’ apologize, Chance. I don’t want to hear about you takin’ this shit on your shoulders again. I’m gonna go find Lyric and make sure she’s okay. If you need me, we’ll be at the house. Love you, Chance,” Kevlar tells me before giving me a hug and leaving our meeting room.
My dad and Hawkeye follow him out and I’m left alone. Instead of staying in the room on my own, I make my way back to my bedroom. After taking a shower and drying off, I make my way to my bed where I haphazardly tossed the letter on my way inside. I put it back in the envelope and stuff it in one of the drawers in my nightstand before shutting off the lights and turning on my music. With a loud beat playing in the dark, I close my eyes and let sleep claim me. My only hope is that dreams of Paige don’t fill my head and I can find some peace among all the hurt, anger, and pain. The woman has broken my heart for her own selfish reasons and I don’t know if I can ever think of her again without the pain filling me.
Chapter Eighteen
Paige
I’VE MANAGED TO get several towns away from Cedar Bay. My entire drive was spent with tears sliding down my face and the thought of turning around several times filling my mind. I thought about going to Ricochet and telling him my darkest secret so he’d finally know the truth of why I can’t be with him. I’m not going to take his choice to be a dad away from him because he thinks he wants me. The only reason I finally decide to keep going and leave town, is because I don’t want to see the pity in Ricochet’s eyes or my sister’s growing belly. I want to be away from everyone and decide what I need to do to move forward with my life. For the first time I need to put myself first and not worry about everyone else around me. Lyric is going to be just fine and she doesn’t need me to guide her any longer. So, I stick to my resolve and continue leaving my past behind where it belongs.
I already miss my sister so much. I’ve honestly missed her over the last month when I completely pulled away from her. Lyric has always lit up my life and made me take chances I wouldn’t think to take on my own. She’s always been so full of life and gone out of her way to make sure I don’t get stuck inside the house on my own with a book in hand. While she was a social butterfly, I always preferred to stay in my room alone with a good book in my hand. I’d get lost in the worlds authors created. I’ve lived countless lives through the words of others and the men and women they create. Reading has always been my preferred activity because it didn’t cost me anything. I’d spend countless hours in the library checking out every book I found intriguing and discovering new authors to love and devour everything they publish.
If I’m being honest with myself, I miss Ricochet more than I thought I would. He wormed his way into my life and heart with a few simple gestures and kindness. He’s shown me more than any other man ever has and treated me like a queen. It’s the way our dad used to treat our mother before she decided to rip our family apart and be a selfish bitch who only thought of herself. I will never forgive her for what she’s done.
When I truly let myself think of myself and my mother, I realize I’m no better than she is. I’ve been selfish and hurt the people I love the most all because I can’t get over my pain and anger. I’m so fucking angry at myself, my dad, and the fact that I can’t have children and a normal life filled with love and memories. I’m running away just like she did and not giving a shit about anyone else. If that doesn’t make me exactly like the bitch who gave birth to us, then I don’t know what it means. I’d never betray my sister like she’s done to us, but I’m not better than she is at the end of the day.
Knowing I can’t drive any further with the pounding in my head from crying for so long, I find the first dingy motel and pull into the parking lot. I don’t have a ton of money saved up, but I have enough to get far away from Cedar Bay if I spend it sparingly. I can stay in my car after tonight and only get gas, some water, and the cheapest food I can find along the way. When I finally settle down, I can get a job and start over. It won’t be easy, but I’ll make it work. It’s the only way to stop hurting those I love and try to find a way to deal with the pain I feel daily.
