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Going into the office, I find an older gentleman behind the counter. He’s half asleep with the late hour and I know it must be so boring to work in a place like this. When he hears the bell over the door, he perks up and looks my way. I offer him a sad smile before walking up to the counter.
“Can I help you?” he asks, his voice husky as if he smokes a pack a day and has for most of his life.
“Yes, sir. I’d like a room for the night if you have one available,” I tell him, holding my purse close despite there being no one else near me.
“I’ve got more than one. If you’d just sign in, I’ll get you set up. That’ll be thirty-five dollars for a night and I don’t take credit cards. I can’t ever get those machines to work right,” he says, laughing at his own inability to use electronic devices.
I laugh along with him and pull out my cash. Setting it out on the counter, I sign the book he pushed in front of me. This is what I imagine motels and hotels did in the past before various electronics were invented to make everything easier. The only plus side is I won’t be traced by Goose for using a credit card or having my details put into a computer. Though, I’m sure no one wants to know where the fuck I am. Ricochet and Lyric had to have gotten my letters by now and I know they’re probably even more pissed off at me than they were before today.
“I’m gonna put you in the room right next to the office here. I’d rather make sure you’re okay than risk something happening and me not hearing you call for help,” the man tells me as concern fills his eyes and he hands me over a key. “If you need anything, give me a call from the phone in your room and I’ll make sure to help you anyway I can. In the morning, there’s a diner across the street and they serve the best food. The coffee is almost as good as one of those chain stores where you can buy those fancy drinks.”
“Thank you. I appreciate that information. I’ll see you in the morning when I check out,” I tell him, grabbing the key and making my way out of the office to grab one of the duffle bags so I can take a shower and change.
I’m still wearing the dress I put on for my sister’s wedding today. It’s one I bought especially for the occasion. The dress is a pale blue to go with the wedding colors my sister has always wanted. It’s long and flows down from my chest to my feet. If I weren’t wearing high heels, the entire bottom of the dress would be dragging on the ground behind me. It’s held up by spaghetti straps and there’s lace flowers sewn into the silky material. I fell in love with the dress the second I saw it and knew it would be perfect. I just wish I had stayed at the clubhouse and watched my sister get married instead of leaving the second she told me she didn’t want my help to get ready. That’s something I’ll regret for the rest of my days and one more thing to add to the long list of hurt I’ve caused my sister.
After taking a hot shower and standing under the water until my skin was wrinkled, I finally got out and dried off. Putting on a pair of shorts and a tee-shirt I stole from Ricochet the first time we had sex, I brush out my hair and braid it down my back. I’ve been letting it grow out since the accident years ago and it’s long enough to style now. There are days I want to chop it all off so it’s not in my way, but I stop myself and let it continue to grow.
Sitting on the bed, I turn on the TV and turn the volume down low so I can barely hear it. I flip through the channels trying to find something I can watch while falling asleep. It’s crazy as hell because all I’m finding are crime documentaries and that kind of shit. When I can’t find anything else that’s not about murder and mayhem, I find a cartoon channel and put that on. It’s better than nothing as the old classics I grew up with are playing. Getting up, I pull the blankets back and slide into bed.
I grab my phone and check to see if there’s any messages or missed calls. There aren’t. I really wasn’t expecting my sister or Ricochet to contact me. However, I’d have read and responded if either one of them reached out to me. I guess this just goes to show that I’ve truly pushed them both away and neither one wants anything to do with me. It’s what I wanted when I started doing this shit. Now that I actually have it, I’m fucking sad that my plan worked.
After turning on my alarm, I set my phone down on the nightstand and make sure it’s plugged in to charge for the night so it doesn’t die. Before I can fully lay back down, the sound of a motorcycle pulling into the parking lot fills the almost silent room. My heartbeat speeds up and it takes everything in me to suck in a breath. I want to jump out of bed and hide in case it’s Kevlar coming to yell at me. He has every right to yell and scream at me for what I’ve done to my sister.
Soon after the motorcycle shuts off, there’s a knock on the door. It’s not a pounding like I’d expect from Kevlar or Ricochet. Hesitantly getting out of bed, I make my way over to the door and look through the peephole. Kevlar and Ricochet aren’t the ones standing there like I expected. No, it’s Tank. He patiently waits for me to open the door for him and he gives me a soft smile. There’s no anger or hate directed toward me as I’d expect with everything I’ve done.
“Hello Paige. Can I come in to talk?” he asks me, his voice as gentle as always.
“Um, of course. Can I ask what you’re doing here? Or how you even found me?” I question him as I step back and let Tank enter the room.
“It wasn’t hard to follow you, Paige. No one knows I’m here or that I know where you are. I was able to track your phone on my own. I’m guessin’ this is just a stop along the way and you don’t want anyone to know where you’re goin’ or what direction you’re headin’ in,” he answers me as he takes a seat in one of the chairs at the small table.
“No. I don’t want anyone to know where I’m going. I’ve done irreparable damage and pushed everyone away. Cedar Bay isn’t my home any longer.”
“Are you sure about that? Because I know my son is in love with you. Your sister misses you and loves you as well. You’ve hurt them both and right now they’re clingin’ to that hurt and pain because it’s all you’re allowin’ them to have of you. Lyric may know all of your secrets, but you won’t let anyone else in. You carry the weight of the world on your shoulders when you don’t have to. There are plenty of people ready to step up and help you. You just have to let them in,” Tank informs me, his voice still gentle as he looks at me while I take a seat back on my bed.
“There’s no reason for me to let Ricochet in, Tank. I love your son more than I ever thought possible. However, I’m not the woman for him. He doesn’t know my secret and I’ll never be able to give him what he truly wants in life,” I state, tears filling my eyes again as I try to hold them back.
“What don’t you think you can give him, Paige. Anyone who looks at you when you look at Chance knows how much you love him. It’s written all over your face. That’s all my boy needs. He only wants to have you at his side, your love, support, and the strength to go on when he can’t find it in himself. He wants you to fight for him and your relationship with him like he’s been doin’ for almost a year now. I might not be here all the time, but I’m here enough to have seen the two of you together. Paige, you light up when you’re with Chance. And you’re the calmin’ balm his soul needs when he can’t pull in the rage consumin’ him. I know what that’s like because I’m just like him in that regard. His mom does the same damn thing to me and always has,” he tells me, a soft smile on his face as he thinks of his wife.
“That’s not all Chance wants, Tank. He wants a family. Chance wants to have a houseful of kids and I can’t give him that. I can never have children. So, that’s how I know I’m not the woman for your son. He deserves to have someone who can give him everything you just said and the kids he wants more than anything. You want to see your son light up, ask him about kids. His entire face lights up in ways I’ve never seen,” I tell him, my heart breaking once again as I think of the family Ricochet will eventually have. “Besides, it looks like he already found someone else to be with. I saw him with that girl at the clubhouse when Kevlar proposed to my sister. She’s beautiful and the kind of woman who can give him everything he wants for his future.
Tank starts laughing and it only pisses me off. I don’t see what’s so funny because it truly hurt me more than I thought it would seeing Ricochet with another woman all over him.
“Paige, there are doctors out there who specialize in fertility and can help you figure out a solution to bein’ told you can’t ever have kids,” Tank says not realizing why I know for a fact I will never have kids despite seeing one specialist after another. “And just so you know, that would be weird for Chance to be with that girl. The girl you saw with him is his sister, Zoey. That’s why I was just laughing. My daughter came down for the weddin’ to surprise her brothers. She’s been at college as I’m sure you’ve heard. So, no, there’s no other woman in his life.”
“You don’t understand. I’m not infertile, Tank. I truly can’t have children. Years ago, Lyric and I were in a car accident with our father. We had gone out for the night and ended up at a party. When we were ready to go home, we couldn’t find a ride because everyone was drunk or high. I called him despite knowing he’d more than likely be drunk as usual. When he picked us up, everything started out okay. Just after leaving the party, it started to rain really hard. I don’t remember much of that night, but I know he lost control. Lyric had tried to get him to slow down and he refused. Thought he could drive the normal speed and get home just fine. That’s the night we lost him.
“Lyric and I both ended up in the hospital with multiple injuries. Mine were bad enough they had to perform a hysterectomy. I have nothing left in my body to be able to have children. It was only four months later that I learned they were able to save some of my eggs and they’re frozen. I’ve always wanted to have a ton of kids and be a mom. That’s all I ever wanted to be when I was younger. I know the success rate of trying to implant the eggs and I’m just not sure I can risk that. So, I’ve not let myself deal with the situation at all. It just hangs over my head because I can never have a true relationship with anyone who wants to have a family,” I tell Tank honestly.
He's the first person I’m letting in and if I’m honest, it takes a load off of my shoulders. It’s not such a burden with someone else knowing. Despite knowing there’s no easy answer or solution to my problem and the way I feel, it still feels good.
“I’m so sorry, Paige. However, you have to realize there are still so many options out there to have a family of your own. Even if none of your eggs are able to work with a surrogate, you can still foster children, adopt kids, and take a risk with a man you love that fate will be on your side and you’ll be able to have a family with the eggs that were frozen when you were in the accident. I think you need to talk to a counselor and start processin’ this shit after holdin’ it all in for so long. That’s the only way you’re gonna get the help you need, Paige.
“I know you hate Cedar Bay and don’t want to be there. However, I also know you love your sister and the rift in your relationship with her is killin’ you. You missed out on seein’ her get married today. You’re gonna regret that if you don’t already. So, I’m gonna ask you to think about somethin’ for me. I want you to reach down deep in your soul and ask yourself if you can see a life for yourself in Cedar Bay so you can remain in your sister’s life. I don’t give a shit if you’re with Chance or not. That’s somethin’ the two of you need to work out on your own. Your sister is the important one here. Take some time and think about it. I’m gonna get a room and head back in the mornin’. I’m tired as fuck and need to get a few hours of sleep. If you wanna head back with me, I’ll make sure everyone leaves you alone until you’re ready to talk to them,” Tank says, standing from his chair and going to the door.
He stops before opening it up and tells me that no matter what happens I’m family and he always takes care of his family. I lock the door behind Tank and climb back into bed. Instead of falling asleep from the exhaustion filling me, I think about Tank’s words and realize how right he is. I do need to see a counselor or someone so I can get the help I need. That’s the only way I’m ever going to be able to work through everything I’ve been feeling the last few years. I lay awake for hours and try to figure everything out. It’s going to take me some time and I’ll have to work hard every single day, but maybe going back to Cedar Bay is the right decision for me. That way I can still be close to my sister if she ever lets me back in her life. With a decision in mind, I finally roll over and get some sleep with a smile on my face.
Chapter Nineteen
