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Driving out of the clubhouse parking lot, I make my way back across town and pull into the small driveway for the trailer park. Parking outside the trailer we used to share with our dad, I shut the engine off and race inside. Throwing the door open after unlocking it, I make my way to my bedroom and hastily pack as much of my clothing and personal belongings as I can. Most everything here I can leave behind and I won’t miss it at all. I make sure I have my important papers, pictures of Lyric, our dad, and myself over the years, and a few other things Lyric has gotten me over the years. While I’d love to say I’ll be back at some point, I can’t really be sure I’ll return to Cedar Bay. Lyric has cut all ties and it’s time for me to get out of the town I’ve always hated. To learn how to live on my own and focus on myself instead of putting myself behind every other person I care about.
I end up packing my large suitcase, two duffle bags, and a backpack full of the things I’ll bring with me. Before I load it all in the car to head out, I sit down in the living room with a notebook and pen. Opening it to a blank page, I begin to write my sister a letter.
My dear sister,
You’ll never know how truly sorry I am for hurting you the way I have. Never in my dreams did I think I could be so cruel and unloving to the one person who’s been at my side through every up and down in my life. Lyric, you’ve always had my back and never once tried to force me to deal with the loss I still haven’t been able to deal with. All you did was love and support me.
I am truly sorry for saying what I did that day in the kitchen of the clubhouse. I’d love to be happy for you. To be an aunt for your triplets and watch you throughout your pregnancy as you grow your children and glow as you already do. I want to remind you about how strong you are when you think you can’t deliver your children and be there to watch you fall in love with the kids you and Kevlar have created. I can’t though. It kills me to see you pregnant and know that’s something I’ll never have. I’ll never carry my baby in my body or have a family of my own. That was robbed from me because of the actions of another. I know you’ve tried over the years to put yourself in my shoes, and I hope you’re never able to.
Lyric, I hate myself on a daily basis. I hate our dad for choosing to drive drunk. Some days I hate you because we were out that night and it could’ve easily been you who lost the ability to have children and it wasn’t. I gave up everything for you and couldn’t look myself in the mirror on the days I hated you because you were still carefree, loving, and could have children of your own.
I’m so happy you’ve opened yourself up to love and found Kevlar. He’s one of the best men I know and makes me see that you don’t need me in your life. You’ve never really needed me, Lyric. It’s easy to see the love you feel for one another and I know he’ll protect you with his life. Together you’ve already been to hell and managed to survive. I hope the rest of your days are filled with nothing but love, happiness, and creating nothing but great memories with your family. I will always love you, Lyric. You’re my little sister. Thank you for the memories you’ve given me and the honor of watching you fall in love with an amazing man who’s completely perfect for you.
By now I’m sure you’ve realized I’m no longer in Cedar Bay. I’m not sure where I’m going or if I’ll ever return. Maybe getting out of town and away from all the painful memories is what I need to finally work through losing my dream and so much. I’m sorry I’ve pushed you so far away from me that you don’t want me around. While I’d love to say that was never my intention, we’d both know that was a lie. I promise you now, that once I find out where I’ll be staying, I’ll start working on myself and working through everything I’ve been putting off for the last few years. That’s my promise to you on your wedding day, Lyric. I’ll always love you and will check in at some point down the road.
Your Loving Sister,
Paige
Ripping the paper from the notebook, I fold the paper and put it in an envelope. After sealing it, I head outside and to the trailer next door. Tara moved in there and I know she’s planning on going to the wedding today. We talked about it yesterday when she caught me outside. Knocking on her door, she quickly opens it and I hand the envelope over.
“There’s some stuff going on and I’m not going to be able to make it to the wedding. Can you give this to Lyric after the ceremony for me please?” I ask Tara as she looks at me with concern and pity.
She knows something is going on and I’m sure Lyric has told her what’s going on with us. She’s just started working with Tara and the two have gotten close the few times I’ve seen them together.
“Are you sure you can’t make it?” she asks, accepting the envelope.
“I’m positive. I saw him propose and then something happened. It would be best for everyone if I weren’t there to ruin my sister’s day,” I say before turning and leaving Tara’s porch.
It doesn’t take me long to load everything in my car. Thankfully Ricochet recently took it to the garage the club owns and had Kevlar and Hawkeye look through everything to make sure there was nothing wrong with the car since he knows I can’t afford to be without a car and there’s no way I can buy a new one right now. With everything loaded up, I lock the trailer door and take one last look around. This is the place where Lyric and I grew up. We took care of one another and watched as our dad completely lost himself to grief for a woman he loved with his entire heart. The kind of love I once wanted for myself and the kind my baby sister has found. With tears sliding down my face, I get in my car, start the engine, and leave the trailer park, my memories, my sister, Ricochet, and Cedar Bay behind. It’s time for me to try and start a new life of my own.
Chapter Seventeen
Ricochet
YESTERDAY WAS FUCKING perfection. Despite Lyric getting mad at her sister and not allowing her to help her get ready for her wedding, the day turned out to be amazing. My only concern about the day is that Lyric will eventually regret telling Paige that she couldn’t help her get ready for her wedding and it caused Paige to leave the clubhouse and not attend the ceremony and reception at all. I know Lyric and Paige enough to know how truly close the sisters are. This is killing my sister-in-law and I know the day was so hard for her without Paige at her side. Paige is the only family she has left and this rift between the two of them is hard on everyone witnessing the toll it’s taking on them.
The horrible moment was lightened by Zoey. She made the trip down for the wedding without telling anyone. I know Kevlar told her he was getting married and she made some excuse about tests and needing to study or something like that. He was upset because it’s just another moment our big sister wasn’t going to be with us. When she showed up bright and early before breakfast was even served, we all lit up and rushed to her side. Zoey has a way about her that pulls everyone to her side. Right now, she doesn’t see it and has withdrawn into herself because of one person. The stupid fuck who can’t see what’s right in front of his eyes. We all see it and know that eventually he’ll pull his head from his ass. I just hope it’s not too late. Zoey has hurt more than anyone has the right to hurt and there’s nothing we can do to take her pain from her. Trust me, we’ve all tried. I even told her I’d beat his fucking ass because I can’t stand to see her hurting and doubting herself the way she has for so long now.
The ceremony was grand and exactly what Lyric wanted. Our dad walked her down the aisle to a song Kevlar chose. To see him watch her walk toward him in her wedding dress is something I won’t ever forget. My brother had tears in his eyes, the largest smile on his face, and it took everything in him to remain up front until our dad brought her to his side. During the ceremony, he didn’t take his eyes off her for even a second. Hawkeye and I were at his side while Zoey stood up for Lyric. Together, we all watched them exchange vows and promise to love one another for the rest of their lives. When it was time for my brother to kiss his new wife, I thought they were going to give us all a show. Thankfully, our dad put a stop to it because they got so lost in their love for one another, Kevlar and Lyric forgot where they were and that they were surrounded by everyone.
Even the reception was perfection. Nothing went off the rails, the food was excellent as always, the cake was the best I’ve ever eaten, and the music was on point. Lyric and Kevlar danced to a song perfect for them and encompassed everything about their relationship and the love they share. Jealousy ran straight through me because everything my brother has now is what I want. I’ve never been jealous of any of my brothers until Kevlar met Lyric and got everything he wanted in a best friend, lover, and the woman he’ll spend the rest of his life with. I don’t resent him for finding what I don’t have, but I simply want it for myself. Maybe it’s time for me to put thoughts of Paige out of my head and find someone who won’t push me away and continue to hurt everyone around her because of some huge secret she’s keeping that causes the weight of the world to weigh her down and break her soul on a daily basis. I can’t keep fighting for someone who won’t fight for me back.
The party is still going strong outside as Kevlar and Lyric get ready to go home. They aren’t going on a honeymoon because of the pregnancy. Eventually they’ll take one, but for now, they’re happy to be married and together. I came inside a little while ago to be alone and stop drinking for the night. Plus, I can’t watch them for any longer today. It simply hurts too much right now with how confused I am about my situation.
“Chance, what’s going on with you?” Zoey asks me as she sits with me while I drink a cup of coffee.
“Nothin’. What’s goin’ on with you?” I return, shaking off thoughts of Paige to be with my sister.
“Don’t lie to me. I know you three better than almost anyone else. The only ones who know you better are our parents and each of you. So, what’s going on with you? You aren’t one to mope about and be as quiet as you are today,” she says, moving closer to me as if we’re sharing some huge secret in a room full of people.
“It’s complicated, Zoey. I want someone who doesn’t want me back. Oh, she wants me enough to have sex and give me her body no matter what I want to do, but that’s it. She won’t let me in and she’s pushed everyone she loves away. It’s hurtin’ so many people. I’ve tried to fight for her. To show her what we can have together and all she does is throw it back in my face by not lettin’ me in. I’ve never seen anyone as closed off as she is. You know I’ve always wanted an ol’ lady and a family. I saw all of that happenin’ with her. She’s chosen not to fight for me. For what we could have together,” I tell her, leaning back in my chair after setting my cup on the table in front of me.
“I’m guessing that someone is Lyric’s sister. She’s very pretty. In the few minutes I saw her here earlier, I could see the pain and longing in her eyes. Someone, or something, has hurt her deeply and it can be a lot to get through. That’s if she’s even dealing with it. I know that better than anyone else. I haven’t handled situations in the right way and I’ve pushed you all away. You’ve all given me the space and time I need. Maybe you should try doing the same with this woman. Let her work through whatever is hurting her and then come to you when she’s ready,” Zoey says and I know she’s imagining her situation with the asshole who won’t fight for her.
“I just think maybe it’s time I push away all thoughts of anythin’ happenin’ with this girl and try to move on from what I want. If she’s not gonna fight for me, I have to stop fightin’ for her. I’ve fought for her for almost a year, Zoey. When is it enough? I truly don’t think she’s ever gonna work through whatever is hurtin’ her and get to the point she’ll let anyone close to her. Right now, she’s even pushin’ Lyric away and hurtin’ her like she means nothin’ to her,” I say, getting my private thoughts out for my sister to know.
“Chance, I love you and you’ve always been so damn strong. I’ve watched you fight for everything you’ve ever wanted in your life. Now, when it’s something this important, you’re gonna give up? If this girl is the one for you, don’t let her keep pushing you away. Give her some space and time and then fight for her again. If you settle for someone you don’t really want to be with, you’ll be miserable for the rest of your life. You’re already miserable and I can’t stand to see any of you hurting like this. We all know Hawkeye is never gonna get an ol’ lady. He doesn’t trust enough in anyone to let a woman close to him. He’s going to be content for the rest of his life to have sex with some woman he randomly meets or wants and then he’ll move on to the next one. I’ve always known you and Shawn are the ones who will give a woman your entire heart and soul. Give her a chance to get the love you have to give and be the happiest woman in the world. Only you can give that to her, Chance,” Zoey says, a wistful look on her face as she looks at me before making sure no one else is in the room with us.
