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I could only guess what the punishment for such an infraction might be, and panic broke through the fog as I tried to push myself up from the bed. When I found myself tied by my wrists and ankles, grey turned to red and I struggled and thrashed against my restraints. A new, sharp pain in my left hand fuelled my terror; I opened my mouth to scream, but the only sound that emerged was a thin, dry croak, and even that hurt me.
“Whoa there, Finn my man – it’s okay, you’re safe,” a soft male voice assured me. “You’re in the Clinica del Valle just outside Santa Marita, Lilith’s just outside waiting for you and everything’s going to be cool. No one’s going to hurt you; I’m going to make sure everything’s good, and then we can take those cuffs off. Just breathe, Finn. Focus on my voice, and just let yourself breathe.”
He sounded kind, but I’d met countless men who’d sounded kind and then gone on to rip me a new arsehole. I tried to make myself calm down just as he’d ordered, but my body was having none of it and I pulled and wrenched at the bindings at my hands and feet with the meagre strength I had left. I felt the fabric on my left palm become sodden and my whole arm suddenly felt as though it was on fire.
“O-kaay my friend, you are one seriously determined individual and we’re going to have to take this just a little more slowly, I think. I’m just going to put a little something into the back of your hand here so we can make sure you’re not going to wreck the joint. Or yourself…”
As my head lolled back onto the pillow as the voice snaked its way around my soul:
shh, there now, pretty thing it’s fine everything’s going to be okay there’s a good boy just a little scratch and that’s the last you’ll know about it
I gave one last useless, silent cry as the darkness closed in once again.
*****
Lilith’s just outside waiting for you
That was new. It took forever for my thoughts to gather together enough to make sense, but that was definitely something important and I clung on to it through the fog. It wasn’t Lilith’s going to get hurt if you don’t behave, or Lilith’s just outside but you’re not allowed to see her, but a simple, bland statement that suggested that not only was she still around, but was a willing part of whatever the living fuck was going on.
I tried imagining Lili as being complicit in some plot to drag me back to Albermarle, but even in my current state that didn’t seem too likely.
Which meant that my as-yet-unseen captor might actually be telling the truth.
Lilith
It took three days for Finn to emerge from his sedation. Three long days that felt like three months as I took up residence in the plush relatives’ lounge, watching Spanish-language soap operas and leafing through the latest copies of Vogue and Cosmopolitan without taking in a single word. I went home to our apartment at night in an attempt to maintain some sort of normality, but every other minute was spent waiting for Finn to be brought back to consciousness.
I was flicking through some trite article about the fashion choices of female jihadists in Syria when Luis’ smiling face appeared around the door. “Morning, Lilith. So, you wanna come say ‘Hi’ to your man?”
I was glad that it was Luis who came to fetch me. The rest of his team were faultless in their care and I had no issue at all with Cavendish’s treatment, but the senior nurse’s calm, no-nonsense approach was the major factor that had kept me tethered to my own sanity. I didn’t need asking twice, and followed him down the corridor.
“He’s gonna be groggy for a while so don’t freak out too much about that. A good, slow climb’s what we’re aiming for.” Luis stopped by the doorway and ushered me forward. “I’ll be right outside, okay? Any problems, just give me a call, but I know you guys need a little privacy right now.”
I gave him a brief nod of gratitude and stepped into Finn’s room.
Finn
I managed a less than impressive ‘Mrngh’ as my first word to her. Utter genius. I’d had a whole speech ready that started with an apology and ended with a goodbye, but I hadn’t factored in the fact that whatever drugs I’d been whacked with would completely annihilate my words once I actually managed to open my mouth properly. I rapidly downgraded my plan for a grand gesture and aimed for the basics.
“Jus’ leave me,” I managed to slur. “Please.” As memorable oratories went, it was hardly up there with I have a dream, but at least Lilith would know what I was trying to get across.
“Is that truly what you want?” Lilith asked. If I hadn’t looked at her I might have managed to keep going, but she came to sit on the edge of my bed, placed her hand over mine, and appraised me with those otherworldly, unblinking glacial blue eyes.
Still, I kept going. “You. Need…”
“Not me. That’s not what I asked, Finn,” she said softly. “I asked if that’s what you want.”
And sweet Jesus but I did my very best to form the word ‘yes’ or at least to nod as I held her gaze, but lying to Lilith was nigh on impossible even when all my faculties were intact. Right then, absolutely nothing about me felt intact but still I tried to cut her free from the car crash that currently passed for my existence. To my shame, a single, traitorous tear escaped down my cheek and I knew I had lost. I slowly shook my head.
Lilith reached out and wiped away the tear with the pad of her thumb. “Could I hold you? Would that be okay?” she asked, and with the briefest nod and a sigh of surrender I buried my head into her shoulder and she wrapped her arms around me as though I were made of glass. “I will not walk away from you, Finn Strachan,” she assured me. “You’ve come so far, and been so brave for so bloody long, and I can’t imagine what all this must be like for you, but I promise you I’m not going anywhere. Not now, not ever.”
My head ached, my hand hurt, and I was struggling to remember who the fuck I was, but despite my best efforts Lilith still held me close. I grasped that thought to me like a lifebuoy in a storm-tossed ocean as I tumbled back into oblivion.
Lilith
I returned to the Clinica later that evening, and the walls of Finn’s room blazed with the light from the setting sun. He was lying with his back to me when I walked in but he stood slowly and unsteadily to greet me, like a man who’d just stepped off a rollercoaster.
He was still barefoot but he’d changed from the standard issue hospital gown into jeans and white t-shirt I’d brought on my earlier visit. His freshly-laundered pants hung off his narrow hips, revealing four inches of navy blue underwear fabric.
