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I consider getting out and going after him, but I stop.
I’ll let him have tonight. But tomorrow, we fucking deal with this.
FORTY-FOUR
“Ty?” Bill looks up with surprise as I enter the garage.
“Hi.” I head right to my bay and drop my bag, getting ready to work.
“Um.” I hear him slowly approach me. “You were supposed to be off for four days… it’s only been two.”
I turn around to face him with a sigh. “Yeah. I see the doctor this afternoon so I’m here for the morning. I’m fine.”
He just nods slowly as he observes me for a moment. “Ok.” He pauses before tilting his head to the parking lot outside. “Oil change in spot three.”
I turn back to my bench. “On it.”
I hear him leave and release a breath, thankful he’s not pushing this. Because I just can’t do it anymore. I had two days of nothing. No work, no training… nothing. And I can’t keep sitting around, waiting for potential bad news. I feel like I can be here working, so that’s what I’m doing.
My mind needs to be busy.
I can’t fall into the trap. Into old habits… finding other things that make me feel better. Or make me feel numb.
I’d be lying if I said those thoughts didn’t occur to me.
As soon as I pull the car in and am raising it up on the lift, Tim and Jake come into the garage.
“Oh, hey…” Jake eyes me.
I nod to them and move under the car.
“How are you doing?” Tim asks, stepping closer. “I didn’t think you’d be back so soon.”
“Alright,” I say, draining the oil into the pan.
But I see them out of the corner of my eye as they exchange a glance.
And an agitated feeling settles in my chest.
“I said I’m fine,” I say sharply, and immediately regret it.
“Ok,” Jake says, nodding at me. “Glad to hear it. Uh… we’re here to help. If you want it…”
“I’m good,” I mutter, watching the oil drain.
As they head to their own bays, I close my eyes and sigh. I know I’m being an ass. And they don’t deserve that. I haven’t seen anyone in two days, since Luca dropped me off at home, and I’m letting all that frustration and anxiety come out. All those thoughts I’ve had about my MMA career ending, and what is going to happen next… they’re scaring me. Because this can’t all end. I need it. It’s who I am, and is the only reason I am standing here today with a job, goals, a sense of self… friends… someone I care about…
But without it, what will happen?
As I’m removing the filter, I hear Jake laugh. I glance over to see him joking around with Tim, a big smile on his face as he starts walking towards me.
“Want some coffee, Ty? I’m heading into the kitchen to make some.”
I shake my head and he just smiles with a nod, then he continues on to the kitchen.
I watch him leave, and disappointment takes over me.
These guys continued to be friendly and try to connect with me when I was an asshole to them. And everyone at the gym accepted me for what I was, when I tried so desperately to push them all away.
