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“Well, for one, that lady scares the bejesus out of me. And for another…I don’t know. It feels kind of sacred. I never expected to set foot in one of these places. Well, not until I was a father myself, preparing to walk my little girl down the aisle someday.”
“You want children?” I ask, surprised.
“I did. With the right person. You know…before.” He sighs. “I guess my life for the foreseeable future won’t exactly revolve around finding love, having a family and settling down.”
I’m simultaneously hurt and deeply satisfied by his words. My heart bleeds for this imaginary future in which he has a new love that isn’t me, and I’m selfishly glad that he doesn’t feel it’s on the cards for him. I’m so incredibly fucked up. For wanting what I can’t have; for trying to have my cake and eat it too; for not wanting to share Zie’s or Kaiden’s love with anybody else – even though I’m marrying their best friend. Why can’t I let them go too? Set them free? Be content for them to find love and happiness elsewhere?
The idea cripples me.
“Always knew I’d be standing at the end of that aisle one day, with you walking towards me, dressed in white. I just never realised I’d be cast in the role of best man.” I don’t know what to say to Kaiden as tears prick at the corner of my eyes, but he simply squeezes my hand and gives me a rueful smile. “You’re going to be the most stunning bride, babygirl. He’s one lucky, entitled, son of a bitch.”
We both laugh, the tension of the moment momentarily lifted. Kaiden has always had a way of making me feel at ease, even in the most challenging situations. But as the laughter fades, a deep sadness settles within me. It’s as if time is slippingaway, and I can’t help but feel that I’m missing out on something crucial.
Zie reenters the boutique with Lou, Jess, Lucy and Steph trailing behind him, their vibrant personalities filling the space with energy. Their presence instantly lifts my spirits. They greet us with excited whispers, their eyes scanning the racks of dresses in awe before they gush over my ring. I can see they’re burning to ask questions about how this has all come about, but with a warning cough from Kaiden, they remain quiet. The shop owner hovers nearby, her disapproving gaze lingering on our group. I can’t help but wonder what she must think of this unconventional gathering.
Ignoring her judgmental stare, I join my friends in exploring the selection of gowns. The air is filled with excitement and anticipation as we browse through the racks.
There isn’t a single dress that isn’t breathtakingly beautiful on the racks, and my fingers dance over satin and silk, lace and crepe, beading, jewels and embellishments, even velvet. There’s a jet black wedding dress that I can’t tear my eyes away from, but remembering Axel’s reaction to my suggestion of a black themed wedding, I decline to try it on.
Each dress seems more elegant than the last, but none of them feel quite right. As silly as it sounds, I always kind of thought I would grow up and get married in my mother’s wedding gown, even though it isn’t possible anymore.Everything is gone.
Eventually, the time for browsing is past, and it’s time to slip into the fitting room. As I try on one gown after another, my mind drifts back to Kaiden’s words. The image of him standing at the end of an aisle, waiting for me, tugs at my heartstrings.
In that moment, everything becomes clear. The confusion surrounding Axel and me dissipates. It’s not about a love triangle or choosing between three men – it’s about findingmyself and embracing what truly makes me happy. And maybe that happiness doesn’t lie in conforming to traditional expectations. I mighthaveto marry Axel, but that doesn’t have to stop me from loving Kaiden and Zie.
I exit the dressing room, a frown on my face.
“What’s wrong, Odi?” Steph asks, sipping champagne. A part of me would kill for a glass to settle my nerves but I refrain.
“None of these feel right,” I tell her.
“What do you want?” Lou asks, coming over and taking my hand in hers. Her question seems loaded, about so much more than the dress.
I glance down at the tattoo, clearly visible in the sweetheart neckline of the strapless dress I’m wearing.
“Do you want to feel like a princess? Is that it?” Jess asks. “Something bigger?”
I shake my head. “No. I want to feel…confident. Powerful. Without this thing on my chest,” I wave my hand at the tattoo. “No fuss or frills. Just simple elegance.”
“You heard her girls, look for something with a high front, no boning and definitely no underskirts,” Lou instructs. They all scurry back into the shop to find the elusive ‘one’. I shoot Lou a grateful smile.
“Thank you. Will you be my maid of honour? I need a friend beside me on the day.”
“Of course, I’ve always got your back, babe.”
I nod. She really does. She’s been an amazing friend to me since day one, and I never stopped to ask why.
“Umm, can I ask you something? Well, it’s more that I need to tell you something…” I twist my hands in the satin of the gown I’m wearing.
“Sure thing. What’s up?” she asks, giving me a bright smile and carefully plucking the expensive material from my grasp.
“Saint is going to be at the wedding,” I say apologetically. “Is that going to be a problem? I probably should have said something before asking you to be my chief bridesmaid but?—”
“Odi, it’s absolutely fine. Saint and I can put our…issues aside for one day. No problem.”
“Have you guys spoken at all since the bar?” I ask with a grimace.
“No. It’s easier to go back to pretending he’s dead,” she replies flatly.
