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That was what I was thinking about when I went off on Lori, but those are my selfish thoughts, my insecurities, my self-absorbed worries causing me to lash out. Lori’s done nothing wrong, and if she really wants to be with Adam, then I’m going to have to get over it and remember not everything’s about me.
“What do you mean?” he asks, but only talking to Lori will make me feel better, so I wave him off.
He seems to get it and drops it, instead saying, “Okay. But he’s also right in feeling like you’re ashamed of him and keeping him a secret.”
“I know. I spent all that time wondering if he wanted me, I didn’t consider that hedidand that he wanted to be public about it. I don’t want to hide Kellan; I just don’t want Adam to hate me even more than he does.”
“Adam doesn’t hate you.”
“He does and you know it.”
“Faye, that’s not true. And either way, it’s not fair to Kellan.
You can’t be with him and expect him to be happy sneaking around forever. If you really care about him, you’ll risk telling Adam and possibly upsetting him in order to be with Kellan.”
I let his words sink into the deepest part of me, considering everything with an open mind instead of only thinking about whatIwant. “You’re right, especially about me being single-minded and self-absorbed. It’s not Kellan’s fault I’m scared of disappointing Adam.”
As I say it, a weight lifts from my chest. Making Adam’s disdain for me even greater scares the shit out of me. But I’m in love with Kellan and have been probably forever, and I want to be with him . . . at least, if he still wants me after all of this.
A humorless laugh escapes me. “Adam told me a couple times this trip that I’m selfish. Who would’ve thought he wasright? I hid Kellan because I was worried about Adam’s opinion, got so wrapped up in Kellan that I used you, and even Dean, in a stupid plan to make him jealous, hurt Lori, and had a grudge against Kiara. Am I . . . am I a terrible person?”
I never thought I was, but hearing everything listed out like that, from this week alone, it’s obvious I really am self-absorbed.
How have I never noticed before? Why has no one called me out on it? My eyes sting as I hold back tears.
“What?” Dylan straightens and grabs my hands with both of his. “No, Faye, that’s not what I was saying. You’re not a terrible person. No one’s perfect, and no one expects you to be.”
“You literally just told me I’m selfish.” My throat burns, but I still refuse to cry.
“No.Youcalled yourself selfish.”
I rip my hands from his. “Because I am! Will Lori even want to be friends with me after the way I lectured her? Will Kellan want to be with me?”
Dylan’s voice is stern, his jaw set. “Everyone makes mistakes.
You’reseventeen, Faye. You’re going to make a shit-ton more before you figure it out, and that’s okay. It’s life. What matters now is how you fix it. Lori and Kellan love you, and right now they’re hurt. Stop this pity party you’re throwing yourself and go do something about it. Lori had a rough night, and I’m a poor substitute for you. I had absolutely no idea what to say to make her feel better, and even when I channeled my best Fayanna Murray, it was terrible. She needs you. Find Kellan and sort that out as well. It’s not the end of the world, and this—mopey—version of yourself isn’t you.” Dylan stands, his voice growing stern and more confident, like a coach riling up his team before a big game. “Your best—and sometimes worst—quality is going after what you want. But make it work for you. Right now, you want to make up with Lori and Kellan and make them happy. You have a goal in mind, now go get it the way only you can when you lock in on it. Let nothing stand in your way.”
He’s right. This isn’t me. I don’t sit around throwing myself pity parties, and the one and only time I allowed myself to do that was when I was puking my brains out at the club. I’m Fayanna Murray, and I always get what I want.
I jump up from the chair. “I want Lori and Kellan back.”
A grin slides onto Dylan’s face. “Then go do it!”
“Yes!” I exclaim, feeling better and refreshed, tears no longer threatening to spill. Dylan doubts his pep-talking skills with whatever he said to Lori last night, but I’m reenergized. Who knewDylanwas so wise? The dude dips pickles in mayonnaise and downs it with a side of milk, yet he’s spouting good, usable advice like a well-trained life coach. I’m going to make this better the only way I know how, and nothing is going to stand in my way.
“Thanks Dyl, you’re the best!” I throw my arms around him and squeeze him tight, then take off toward the gate, Kellan’s too-big flip-flops slapping on the ground with each determined step. I make it to the gate before I pause, then backtrack to Dylan, who’s staring at me with amusement.
“Where—”
“Lori’s at the small beach. I think Kellan’s at the party pool.”
“Great!” I hug him again because I just can’t help myself. I knew I could count on Dylan. He’s always been there to pick me up when I need him. He’s the one who wrote me fake notes signed by my dad when I wanted to get out of class. He’s the one who always convinced Adam to let me play video games with them when I was a kid. He’s known me practically forever, and he’s always been there for me.
When I leave Dylan and charge down the path, I don’t hesitate at the intersection where left leads to the pool and right leads to the small beach. I veer right and march toward Lori. As much as I want to beg Kellan to forgive me and fill the hole in my heart where he’s always been, Dylan said Lori’s upset—about more than what happened between us—and she needs me. My need for Kellan is going to have to wait until I sort Lori out and get her back to her cheerful self. Then, and only then, can I find Kellan and beg him to take me back, to be my boyfriend, to convince him I’ll set things right.
Even though my mood has lifted with my new resolve, the clouds above me are still gloomy. The breeze is warm but strong, and the temperature isn’t cold, but it’s cooler compared to the rest of the week. The path runs parallel to the water, where a thin strip of sand separates me from the angry crashing of waves.
Wind whips my hair in front of my face as I look for Lori, stumbling a few times on the uneven path in Kellan’s flip-flops.
